with a day off from school and a lot of time to think.
Oh. And a lenten promise.
No MySpace to satiate my blogging addiction anymore...
Maybe this is wrong? And I shouldn't be doing this? I said I wanted to be able to express my feelings to a book or to myself or to other people with ease, rather than simply running to a blog. I think if this goes out of hand again...I'll just have to erase it all...but for now, I get to express myself again.
I'm just sitting here in my pyjamas, listening to music I wish I made and dreaming of what could happen to me. I've tried to plan out my life before. No matter how much I tell people I have no idea what I want to do with my life, that kind of lack of direction just seems to uncharacteristic of me. I mean, sure, I don't really know *exactly* what I want to do all of the time, but just because I can't decide what I want for lunch doesn't mean I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I remember my sister telling me years and years ago that she knew she wanted to go to university from a young age. Within herself, she felt that if she did not achieve that goal, she would be a failure. I understand that, but in a way, those words make me different from her (among other things). Her exterior was rebel, but her inside was quite contained in the end. While that's the opposite for me. I appear to be meek, but inside I just want to scream and shout and run.
If I didn't go to university, it wouldn't bother me. But I know I have to, and you know what, I'm even looking forward to it. I know I couldn't really explain to my parents "hey...well, I don't want to get any qualifications, I just want to move overseas and play music. " And you know what, even I'm not that daring to do that. Even I want that Plan B. So this is it. I'll finish school with awesome marks, study in university and make my parents proud. Then at least, I can't disappoint them much after that can I? I'm not dumb. I might have stupid moments, but I realised at an early age to learn that I have a capability to learn a lot.
So I don't know. I've tried not to make plans. In my mind, they can't go wrong if I had nothing to put it up against. If things don't happen the way I want them to, I can accept that change much easier if there was nothing planned in the first place.
But you know what? In the back of my mind...I'll know about those fake "plans" I never made. And I'll still be disappointed...
