"why do the good girls always want the bad boys?"*

It is always disheartening to continuously half-look, and never have the courage to really look. Or to keep the gaze. I'm thinking that's what I'm missing out on. I look, or half-look, then turn my head away because I'm afraid to see the reaction. Everything is made simpler and harder at the same time if I can't see the potentially disgusted look on their face.

The speakers are not functioning at this moment, so I'm sitting in this weird silence that I'm not really prepared for. I keep pressing the 'play' button, just in case... I could just go get the mp3 player, but it doesn't have the songs that I want to listen to right now. Funny that.

I started writing a story between that last paragraph and this, about someone who hasn't got a name yet and half a character. Hrmms.

This blog has definitely gone in a different direction.

I guess I just want to come out of invisibility a little. I want to make the world stop.
_______
*If you got the above No Doubt reference. Yay!

an excerpt

"if i'm a bad person, you don't like me - well i guess i'll make my own way.
it's a circle, a mean cycle, i can't excite you anymore
where's your gavel? your jury? what's my offense this time?
you're not a judge, but if you're gonna judge me, then sentence me to another life.

you treat me just like, another stranger...
it's nice to meet you, so, i best be on my way out...

ignorance is your new best friend.

this is the best thing that could've happened
any longer and i wouldn't have made it.
it's not a war, it's not a rapture,
i'm just a person and you can't take it."

***

This is just a few excerpts from the new Paramore single 'Ignorance'. I didn't like this song at first. There's a lot of speculation as to what the lyrics are about. And taking the most widely spread opinion - it kind of makes me uncomfortable to think it is about that certain relationship...only because it makes me kind of sad. But ...today and last night, my mind has been moving a million miles an hour. So many trains of thought, colliding haphazardly with each other, nothing really being directed to it's proper route or resolution.
But one of these trains...suddenly aligned itself with this song. And for some reason, having a song express how you feel seems to make you feel like you're not alone. Because some other person out there has been through it, it's not like uncharted territory. Reading through some old blogs from the writer in question, has kind of made this whole story click.

I talk about me and them and everyone else all the time. It's nice to try and find a place or a category, but also disheartening at the same time.

simple

Today I won and lost.
I pushed myself to the point of feeling overheated and pink and sweaty on my adventure.
I went to places I'd never been before by myself.
And searched,
always teetering,
on the brink of my heart skipping a beat when I'd think I'd be nearer to my goal.
I didn't find what I was looking for,
But I was reminded of being carefree. Of adventure. Of Carpe Diem and all that.
It was fun =]

embrace

Here is an embrace to:

being obsessed and "in love";
not being one of the skinny bitches;
trying to be at least the former;
being ignored;
being inspired;
colour and fabric and co-ordination in all ways possible;
creativity and the imagination;
getting something for nothing, or at least, not much;
getting something after hard work;
making vanilla slice with the vaguest, out of order recipe;
dead skin;
paranoia;
shiny cherry reds and electric sky blues;
extended metaphors and film;
bubblegum pop and brutal metal at once;
being straight up, yet fanciful;
having a head;
foreign exchange students;
the sense of smell;
nicknames;
sharing desserts;
anniversaries;
musical side projects and thoughtful covers;
asymmetry and symmetry;

quote hearts.

"You see, if I was a guy, and I was sitting here with a cigarette in my hand, grabbing my crotch and talking about how I make music because I love fast cars and fucking girls - you'd call me a rockstar. But when I do it in my music and in my videos, because I'm a female, because I make pop music, you're judgemental, and you say that it is distracting. I'm just a rockstar. " - Stefani Germanotta aka. Lady Gaga.

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction." - Chuck Palahniuk

Does the feeling of inadequacy keep you going or does it bring you down?
I think I feel the former until I really know it's pointless. Too optimistic at times.
In other news I'd like to vent a little frustration: Stop using me for these pointless games!! gah The suspense is killing me. Say it or don't. Stop messing around.

the question is, who really, is faye greener?

I feel very blessed at the moment. I feel like...God has allowed me to open myself up a little more and take chances. And I'm seeing the good and bad of these choices, but nonethless, it feels as though there is more good than bad. However, I am forever, at heart, the optimist.
I think last semester was really the first time I had to "travel alone" so to speak. Not in terms of physical travel, but in many different ways. I was forming my own path, and was for the most part alone in the decisions I had to make. When you travel alone, you learn a lot about yourself as an individual. What your strengths and flaws are. I am so appreciative of where I am at this moment. I love the fact that being at university makes me apart of this world I've dreamt about. Not of students, but of education! I'm getting taught by people who write books on the things I have to study. I'm getting taught by people who live in these worlds. I feel priveleged to learn about Australia from a convict descendant. To learn religion from someone who shaped my religious studies at school through their work. To learn from published journalists, writers, poets. I feel like I'm at the source of a pool of knowledge. I feel more willing and able. I feel inspired a lot lately. There is always the underlying darkness - the what ifs? the self doubt. the loss. But at the moment the light and dark are balanced.