Phase One Involves Me Ignoring You

"brothers and sisters put this record down,
take my advice cause we are bad news,
cause we will leave you high and dry,
it's not worth the hearing you'll lose,
it's just past eight and im feelin' young and reckless,
the ribbon on my wrist says do not open before christmas...

we're only liars but we're the best,
we're only good for the latest trends,
only good cause you can have almost famous friends,
besides weve got such good fashion sense..."

Source: "Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued" - Fall Out Boy
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You know what's crazy?
When Patrick sings the part "we've got such good fashion sense."

Yes.
That's the moment.
When you just know, that this song is so biting.
This seemingly happy-go-lucky song, suddenly could be taken for metal with the harsh downstrokes on a distorted guitar. It's malicious. It's evil.

It's so peculiar, that I keep listening to it. Over and over again.
That in itself, is not peculiar, because I usually listen to songs I've just heard, on repeat, because I come somewhat obsessed for a few days, but what's peculiar is what this simple 4 bar riff does to me. What it does to the rest of the song. In my opinion, it makes the song. It makes the song make sense.

It's not tearing down the fans. No. But it is an attack nonetheless.

Why is Fall Out Boy attacking?

Or more likely, why is Pete, attacking?

Only moments ago I was watching him help him mom with the groceries and show Fuse around his home, where he is still a momma's boy indeed. And he was smiling. And he was saying 'like' way too much.

But that's it. Right there.

Everything can change.

The kid smiling at you could've yelled at his sister two minutes ago.
The guy saying hello might feel so ashamed deep down.

Everyone's got this nastiness.
There's awful in all of us.

We're all hurting, we're all in pain sometimes.

Not all the time. But still, we can't pretend that everything's always fine.

This probably means nothing to nobody, but I've decided I don't care anymore.
I'm sick of vying for attention.
I'm sick of trying to be your friend.
I don't want to be cool to you, because cool to you fades.
And one day you're going to be left with just me.
Just me.
Does anyone know what that means?

"Single serving saccharine packets dripping black with lipstick kisses."

Today I figured out a few things.

I figured out:
1. I can make that flicky side of my head go straight if I just use the hair/putty/fibre stuff artistically enough to make it inconspicuous.
2. I've sunk into that anti-school mode again...

...and what I mean by that, is that I feel like I want to escape it again. This coming week feels like a chore. Like I need a survival guide and a compass and perhaps a brick wall to bang my head on.

It's moments like these, that I detach myself. I stop talking so much, and start building a little world inside my head. I set up a tent to stay overnight, create a little fire for warmth and of course, I bring along the blankets as I'm always cold (even with the fire). Because I can't stand the outside right now.

I can't stay and watch and get involved and be happy about it.

I need to plan my own revolutions in my head.

I need to separate from all this disheartening stuff.

Of course it's not all bad. I make it sound like everything's gone wrong; it hasn't.

Just maybe this week I need a raincoat, not necessarily for the rain.

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“We wanted out of it. It was the most negative thing in the world.”- Patrick Stump.

Uuuuuhhh...

It is 1:13am as I begin typing this.

Why, you may ask, am I awake, at 1:13am? It was out of my control...but I think I should start with last night's story...and move onto this.

To put it bluntly, I am ridiculously sick. It isn't fun at all getting all feverish and then vomiting. But the thing is...this whole sickness deal...timed itself out pretty crappily as I need to finish my 1500 Extension English Essay for tomorrow (well, today now). At about 10:30 I couldn't take it anymore, and went to bed. I wasn't even halfway through the assignment...but still, I planned to wake up early to finish it once I was rested and could think clearly.

No, I didn't plan to get up *this* early, but all night I've been plagued by dreams...where it's simply me TYPING OUT MY ASSIGNMENT. If only my dreams could be transferred into the computer...

But nonetheless, I woke up a few minutes ago with the urgent desire to use my up-chuck reflex...and therefore, thinking that wasting all my ideas in a dream, would be pointless...

... I'm finishing this now.

It's another kind of green, trust me.

Mimes.

Dressed in black and white,
and pushing for my life,
I'm stuck stuck stuck.
In this invisible box.

I press.
But you can't hear me,
You can't see me.
You don't believe me,

This box won't let me out,
This box won't let me out.

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Yeah, that was my attempt to push myself out of this writer's block. Its not working.
It's not working *bangs head against wall*.

The words just don't mean the same thing like they used to.

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I've been going through things I'll essentially need to get for my guitar and whole musical vision. It's quite an expensive list right now. Funny, because I'm not even supposed to spend the money I earn lol...so far I need...

1. Capo
2. Hardcase
3. Tuner
4. Fretboard conditioner/cleaner
5. Cleaning cloth
6. Microphone

Most of that is what I need, right now...but there are other fanciful things I could've added to that list...like getting my guitar operated on to get another strap button affixed to it, so I don't have to use a ribbon anymore or buying an amp...

On the topic of guitars...

Why does no-one ever discuss the physical pain they bring sometimes?!?! At least not in real life...Because yes, it is physically straining sometimes, and yes when you first start learning, your fingers feel like they're going to split and bleed all over your poorly formed F major chord...so why am I the only one willing to admit this?

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I'm screwed over this English thing...I've basically got to do the whole thing tomorrow. Yay. It's going to suck.

I'm a last minute, writer's blocked child who's relating herself back to street performing mimes...

How can 0.374g of AlCl3 have the same amount of moles as Al?

A blog before bed. I'm so tired. I'm so overwhelmed. But it's not over yet.

I feel like I need to say everything but nothing at all.

I need to write this bibliography...and finish this log book...I need to study for Chemistry and face people from work on Wednesday right after I skipped two shifts...

I need to be warm, because I hate being cold. I need to be more responsible, but I need to be more childish.

Everything's been moving so fast. Everything just needs to slow down for a while, you know?

I've been at this heightened level of emotional-ness this week. I keep taking things the wrong way, and I get severely hurt and don't end up telling anyone. I just try and ignore it.

I want to try Vegan egg substitute. I wonder what that would be like...

I just need to recommend the song "Good Love Is On The Way" by The John Mayer Trio (John Mayer + Steve Jordan + Pino Palladino = John Mayer Trio (which equals one mole :-)))

And this blog: http://postsecret.blogspot.com

I discovered it yesterday, and it's a fantastic and truly touching experience. People make their own postcards and decorate them as they see fit, along with a secret of some sort. They send them to Post Secret, and every Sunday, the secrets posted, get updated with new ones.

I also recommend Apple and Watermelon juice. I had a sip. I wish I had more...

Until next time,
<3Helena