'sup?

So right, anyways...
Been super busy. I feel slack that I haven't updated my Lena blog with my Regina Spektor review and a bunch of other reviews I have whirling around in my head.
I'm feeling super industrious and creative and I don't know, I need to finish this academic stuff for the semester and then move on to achieving some of my holiday goals.
I just felt the need to check in here to say I'm not dead, I'm alive and inspired <3

part deux

I thought I could move on and forget about you. And for a while, I very much did. You ceased to occupy my thoughts. Which, was a good and a bad thing. Good, because I could breathe. I could finally escape that void in my head. Those what ifs. Because you don't exist - not really, do you? At least...you exist on the perimeter of my existence, unknowing, and yet changing. But it was bad because it's always nice to have something to wake up for. Not that I invested all my happiness in you...but it was nice to have that hope, to go that extra step and apply the eyeliner (because I don't apply eyeliner for no-one).

But nevertheless - there you are. Re-entry. Without my permission, no less. What am I to do with you? I like how you seem as if you are a loner. Or at least whenever I see you, you're by yourself. I'm over hanging around people with too many friends. I feel like they're not truly listening to me. I don't ever have their attention. I could get your attention maybe. If I had your attention, then I at least would no whether I was right or not about you. Instinct. It's failed me before, why shouldn't it again? Maybe we wouldn't get each other at all. But I at least want the opportunity to find out.

Your re-entry. I want to believe that I'm onto something here. How many more signs do I need? How many more near-misses do I need to tell me to give up? What am I doing anyways? Why am I so invisible? I've wanted that so much for a long time, but sometimes I do not want that at all. Explain to me what's going on. I need something tangible. I want your hand in mine. I want to know you're a good person. I want you to exist in my world. I want to exist in yours.

california girls, so hot we'll melt your popsicle

Do you believe in fate? In a beginning and an end?

Even if I had the benefits of hindsight right now...it still wouldn't make me stop feeling this way.
This urgency is getting to me.

I want you to know me.
I don't want to be wrong about you.
I don't want to be so helpless.

blogging bay

Today I'm going to fill up this space with stuff that you don't need or want to know. Just fill it up. Fill it up. Fill it up. I think about my lips sometimes. What kind of proportion do they take on with the rest of my face? In comparison to other lips. Are they on the full side, the thin side, the in between side? I am going to brunch today. I love brunch. Okay, so big commotion going on in nail polish world at the moment. OPI suing e-tailers. That's what my "Oh, Hell no" was about. How am I going to get my nail polish? They ridiculously inflate the prices here! *disgruntled*. I can honestly say I felt quite crap hearing about this news. I'd be happy to just be able to get it for the price you can get it retail in the US. So yeah, maybe amazon or something? I don't know, I don't know. It's nice to worry about how I'll get my next fix of colours instead of worrying about uni. Oh how it is a relief to just think about colours and design. I want to escape to this part of my head a lot of the time.

yuck

I got my Roswell DVD's in the mail today.
I will watch them once I hand in this assignment today. That is making this day somewhat worth it.
Assignment progress is going well! I wish I could crank them out this quickly all the time, but I'm afraid it's the morning urgency that makes me focus.

I just feel so sick. So wrecked. So emotionally done and dusted. So over this. I want someone else to make this better, but I know no one will. Life is in your hands more often than you think.
There's just so many processes to go through. I'm getting lost and I feel really neglected. I feel like my eyes are open wide and shut at the same time. I feel like I could talk and talk and talk and get no where. Talk myself into a circle because NO ONE FUCKING CARES. They really don't. It's okay. Everyone has their own problems to deal with but why do I feel so unloved right now? So worthless. So bleh. I want to find a hole and bury myself in it. Stop existing for a little while.

ok that last post sucked more than insecurity.

This is why you should like me:

I am insanely loyal.
Empathetic.
Can tell you stuff about music, make-up, english, history, cooking, general knowledge etc.
I can cook you really nice food.
I will do your nails anytime you like (and I won't make it flood your cuticles).
I pay attention and will listen.
I like weird things. If you're weird, I'll prob like you too because you're interesting.
I have nice eyes and boobs.
I can sing/play you a song.
I'm easy to contact.

This is why you won't like me:
EDIT 15/08/2010 - Mara made me delete this list for my sanity.

insecure.

Sometimes I think really negatively.

I think you will never, can't possibly like me. Because I don't have ______. Or I'm not like _____. Because at least so and so has ____, and ____ is what matters right?

Gah.
Insecurity sucks.