AP @ TF w/ TDE & TF & JS 17122007

I've washed all the dried sweat off my body, discarded all garments worn this evening, and so now I feel prepared to tell you what happened in it.

Amanda Palmer.

First we must begin by fully understanding the enormity of it all.

Amanda Palmer is one amazing female I look up to and deeply admire for her passion, skill and personality. I kept going over in my head what I would say to her if I did eventually get to meet her...and it was overwhelming even to think about it.

Overwhelming so much that I cried in Ampersand and felt my heart break when she was talking about society's desensitisation to such horrors as school shootings

The vast array of people filled out the intimate venue, from people my age, up to people my parents', and we all packed up the front. The thumping energy of The Follow brought us all to life, if we weren't already...my review of them? I think they were pretty good. They have these moments of greatness, just sheer unique composition, that push them forward. This makes me happy, because they might not be the best now, but I can see them growing so much...they have a lot of potential.

Then, we were greeted by The Danger Ensemble, bringing out a "dead" Amanda, covered in a black sheet, we're left to wonder "Who *did* kill Amanda Palmer?". But quickly, she came to life, bouncing into "Astronaut".

The setlist as I can remember it :
Astronaut
Ampersand
New song (don't know name)
Coin Operated Boy
Princess?
Bad Habit
(somewhere around here...)
Mrs O
Old song never released until now (don't know name)
Ugh-merica (by Regina Spektor)
A Justin Webley song
Half Jack

Encore
Umbrella (by Rihanna)
Creep (by Radiohead)
Hallelujah (by Leonard Cohen)

All in all, it was beautiful. The lights, the acting, the music, the sounds the facial expressions... it was exhilarating to be apart of that. To scream and create a barricade of noise...to catch a beat and move your hips to it...to buy a sticker and give a smile...

(I think I must've had this goofy smile of adoration on for most of the night...)

I love the feeling of unity. Of everyone singing together "but I'm not the one that's crazy." Or "but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here?" supported by the ukelele in dazed yet invigorated unison.

And I love the way that my red "underage" stamp has bled into my hand and hasn't come out yet, even after my cleansing. And the way I was absentmindedly picking at the skin on my fingers during "Bad Habit".

(No Uno cards this time =] )

My little windmill!

I'm really liking this Saturday.

I forgot the emancipatory feeling of simply sitting in pyjamas on the rug and just watching TV.

I've undertaken relatively simple tasks this evening, but they all seem to make me feel so happy inside.

Maybe it was dinner that started it all...
Caramelisation is key to success, I think.

But after that I turned on High School Musical 2 and baked a cake. I love musicals. I wish I was in one...they're so expressive...and ANYTHING can happen in a musical. I loved the scene in HSM2 where Zac Efron (Troy Bolton *giggle*) sings that song "Bet On It" because the dance moves are just SO lame. It makes me feel so happy, because in a musical, you can do the lamest things and still be the coolest thing ever.

And then my cake baking involved meringue and cream and marscarpone and berries and sugar and everything beautiful in this world. I love licking spoons after cake baking. One of the singlehanded acts in the world where I feel such catharsis yet such guilt at the same time;
I enjoy the taste but poke my stomach and realise the fat isn't getting anywhere like this.

I watched a little Justin Timberlake too. His New York show apparently. How odd, but really, he's a fantastic performer and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. He was definitely born for this. For what he does, he's definitely innovative. Pop is lucky to have him.

This is when I realise that "Little Miss Sunshine" was going to be on! I love this movie, so so so much. I think when people say they don't like it, it's because they're looking at it too broadly, while I love it for the characters and their nuances. It's a perfect mix of comedy and drama.

And now, I'm singing "All The Small Things" by blink 182 and enjoying what is left of my Saturday evening.
The kinda of Saturday Fall Out Boy sung about...
"with promise and precision and mess of youthful innocence."

La la la.

"Someone feed the monkey while I dig in search of China,
White as Dracula as I approach the bottom"

I am not happy in this world.

However, for most of the time, I am completely optimistic. I maintain an enthralled state with most things. I'm easily entertained for the most part.

I strongly believe that this life has a purpose, whether we discover it in due time or not...

But when fiction meets fact...a cataclysm of worry overtakes me. My heart aches for a fictional existence...Not completely or irrevocably, just enough to be able to slip in and out of worlds. Because when fiction overtakes fact, the elation is temporary... but ever so fulfilling...

"Desperate and ravenous,
So weak and powerless,
Over you"

Musings and writings...

1. I'm not perfect like It is. One day I'm going to stop listening to It and simply dissolve away where It can't see me anymore in all my blatant imperfection. It makes me write blogs that don't get published. Half written rants, un-thought out poems and direct questions...


2. What am I to do when flesh and blood are making the same mistakes I did...and all I can do is get angry? I don't know how to respond, so I pretend I don't know. But I just want to scream at the top of my lungs (and the bottom, and the sides...) that I know. I understand. I want to envelop my flesh and blood into my arms and say it's okay...not yell and cry and fight.


3. When decision making fails you, once again.


4. They didn't believe that I could do it...yet I still foolishly believe I can?



5. For every task that didn't make sense.



6. When you pray so hard for all the souls in purgatory...can all the prayers in the world save them from the way the afterlife punishes for suicide and lives of general sin?
__________

Act Two – Scene 2

Disjointed murmurs, shouts and everyday conversation agitate the moment.

She must put on a brave face, and look up to a world that wants to bring her down.

Step, after agonising step, she trudges through the throng with absolute anonymity…
__________

?

Toast

Burnt toast tastes like the feeling of being in an unfamiliar house...

you haven't quite yet grasped the nuances of working this foreign toaster.

What a wonderful caricature of intimacy

I feel so tired.

But a good kind of tired (I think).

The kind of tired that comes from doing all your homework and cleaning up your room.

I finally removed all the paper off the floor. No I wasn't trying to protect the surface (lol), it just ended up there...accumulating...carpeting...eventually impeding my movement...but nonetheless, it's gone.

I still have a little fixing up to do tomorrow of the little things that I couldn't decide where to put and such. Need to throw away the paper in my rubbish basket and also the two plastic bags filled with other stuff I'm throwing away.

Reading over past work and thoughts on scraps of paper is always emotionally draining for me. I find myself wishing myself back into another time, another place...and hence save the article- nomatter how trivial- which connects me to that place.

I opened up a little Blue Bear diary I have (one of those things to put addresses and have dates written in etc...) and found on one of the weekly planner pages something relatively profound I had scrawled on one of the pages a few years ago in metallic pink gel pen. Something along the lines of, "How can I plan tomorrow, when I don't even know if it exists?"

It made me kind of laugh at how much of a morbid person I was and still am...

But yeah...back to the main idea of this blog...

In conclusion, I am tired. Therefore, I am going to bed.

Goodnight *waves*.

Failure.

fail·ure


–noun
1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure.
2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.
3. a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.
4. deterioration or decay, esp. of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.



Feeling a little disheartened and inspired at the same time...Strange... :





My bedroom is basically an imprint of my brain;

1. Cluttered. Randoms bits of information and history in the least organised places. Brain/Bedroom will therefore not function to it's regular efficient capabilities, but rather lags like a computer with not enough RAM and twenty four windows open.

2. Is a source of comfort. Many people like to think certain issues over; I've learned to on occasions ignore issues and pretend they don't exist in an attempt to prevent the guilt and general negative feelings. At the end of the day, I've escaped into my head, and I have a bed to curl up and read in.

3. I have three clocks that do not having running batteries in them. I put away the one with the pendulum that I used to swing for fun in an attempt to simulate a living, working clock...but somehow I remain informed of time through my mobile. I like time. I like looking at the time. Apparently there's this thing on my dad's side of the family that makes us have good internal clocks. I'd like to believe I have that...I'm pretty good at guessing the time, therefore, the unworking clocks are not as big of an issue as they seem to be.

4. It has musical capabilities. I feel like I'm advertising some new mobile phone or something...but really, the brain/room do.





"She looks to be that crazy weird girl you met in high school that was always making paper dolls- You kind of wanted to ask her out on a date, but you were afraid she would whip out the 7inch knife and hack you to pieces in the car after the grindhouse triple feature."

Apocalypse Please.

"- So it was only once you'd got into piano playing that you embraced the more technical, classical side of things?

Yes. I don't know why that is, but I think it could be something to do with the early 20th century piano music [that I was listening to]. It's very emotional but at the same time quite technical as well. I found that an interesting concept because with the guitar it seemed you could only be either emotional or technical, and it seemed you couldn't do both. But the piano helped me understand that it was possible to make music that was technical and also emotional at the same time. So for that reason I think the piano playing started to influence the songwriting on Origin of Symmetry, and probably a lot more on this album as well. It obviously has an influence on the way I'm thinking about playing chords on the guitar too. "

That is rather interesting.
In some ways...I can agree with that, and in others I can't. But it definitely caught my eye, how a piano can be more emotive while still being technical...
But then...you haven't heard beautiful, technical guitar music if you agree with it completely.

I think it's the common approach to the two instruments however...
Piano's are placed in higher esteem; there's a certain aura, a certain level one must attain to be deemed a good pianist, usually through the aquirement of technical skills and possibly harder yet, the ability to create feeling.
Guitar's on the other hand, are synonymous with various genres of rock music. To be deemed a good guitarist, one must either be technically skilled enough to wow people, or play with enough emotion, so as to be deemed technically skilled. But this is not always the case. This is when you get the real beauty. When you fuse skill with feeling and you get something so freeing. Maybe it's angry, maybe it's happy, or sad, or violent or nonchalant...but it's definitely something.

Bellamy talks prior to this of how some songs, were first written on piano. He fed off the contrast. There is SO much contrast in the instruments. They can play the same things, then they simply can't at the same time.
I've discovered that I can't play the piano to make it sound like a guitar. It sounds so empty to me, while the guitar sounds so brilliantly full. I can't explain it.

I wish I could play both like they were equally alive within me....

Manifest.

My first post of September...
I really haven't blogged in ages. Well, it feels like ages...

But right now, I need some catharsis. So I'm doing what I know.
I'm curled up in a foetal-like ball, listening to John Mayer and blogging. That is comfort for me.

I came back from Sara's party and it was lovely. I met some awesome people and had a lot of fun. But I cannot help but be plagued by odd thoughts that make me feel uneasy.

Maybe I'm looking too far into a lot of stuff and dwelling. My horoscope seems to think these weekend is cosmically fuss-free and that I should be happy, but since when did I listen to horoscopes anyways?

In the past couple of months...weeks...I don't know...I found myself insanely attracted to a vampire. He doesn't suck my life force at all. And today his actions made perfect sense. I had rationalised them in my head...but why did I react the way I did? Why am I so withdrawn? He scares me but he excites me at the same time. I feel like I'm being reborn yet killed at the same time when I see him.

I feel like a little girl a lot of the time, and who's to say I'm not? I am. I might have breasts and hips and am capable of making babies, but that doesn't make me a grown up woman.

This week in general ...*sigh*....so many questions and so many worries...just all piled up and exploded. The morbid music did *not* help my mental state either. Sometimes it did help...sometimes it just made me feel worse.

But I still have tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a new day after all.
I don't have to look in mirrors and see low self esteem manifesting itself.

In other news, it must be a slow news day

Mayer's A-List Ex's.

Puh-lease.

That's the headlining story for that msn news thing that pops up whenever you sign in. Seriously, why????

I like reading about John Mayer, I really do. But this is just pathetic. Definitely, slow news day.

But anyways, to fuel my curiosity mixed with annoyance, I open the link, and find a slideshow.

The first two pictures are of Jennifer Love Hewitt, fine, okay, fair enough. They did go out for a while, that's a legitimate claim. The next picture, is of Heidi Klum.

Gah, I remember those Heidi Klum rumours. It was when he was in Australia a few years back and they went to go eat together, but they did not " go out" as such, which begins to confirm my theory that these people really had NO OTHER INANE CELEBRITY GOSSIP TO DISCUSS...so they resort to this.

But.

It only goes downhill from there. The next few pictures (and yes, there's more than two) are of Jessica Simpson. Personally, I like the lady, I think she's really talented and pretty and I was really happy for her and John when they were going out, but showing various pictures of her, to fill up some crappy 7 picture slide show, is desperate.

The final picture, is of Cameron Diaz...who, isn't even dating John Mayer, all they allege is that they went to dinner recently. WOW.

What a fantastic string of A list Ex's John Mayer had. *sarcasm* Two women who were only claims and two that he actually did date. What a womaniser, that John Mayer, ya know??

Obsession, much?

Never before has a black cloud looked so beautiful,
Standing artistically like that.
Out of the corner of my eye,
You make an appearance,
and my heart leaps for joy.

Another encounter.

Another chance to show you how much,
I can make this worth your while.
Hopefully I can hide the fact that,
your presense made me shiver
just a little,
once you were gone.

Just speak.
Let me hear you say
"I like that,"
once again.

4:44pm

Four forty-four pm
at the end of winter,
I feel so at home.

Drenched in angels,
streaming through the stratosphere,
and into my heart.

Lala land has recreated it's front doors,
and opened up for me,
in the form of glowing orange,
leaping out from the hardened sky.

Everything for once,
Seems okay,
In the warmth,
the fire,
and the calmness in this fury.

While I just sit and stare at you...

Call an optimist, she's turning blue. Such a lovely colour for you.


This song goes 'boom-boom-boom-boom-boom'.
With grasshopper noises at the end for a nice touch.
Not so much a boom though. Maybe a 'da-da-da-da-da'?
It puts me into a trance. Not like trance music however.

(I shouldn't of done that.)
:-

Call an optimist,
I'm turning blue.

Oh...

Today's a very special day,
The boys will murder for it,
But what will the neighbours say?
It leaves you feeling pretty hollow...

When I analysed this song I only ever really saw what I wanted to see.
I'm doing it again (but in a different way...)

Let's play a game...

aljgaludhgfaligfalsjdkgfajlsdfgsvn;qieurhgkdsjgahlp!

I can't write.
The words aren't flowing.
I know what needs to be said, but I can't make it right.
Can't make the damn thing work.
I don't want him to laugh at me.
"Silly little girl," he will think, "with her stupid ideas and her incoherent speech that clutters."

There's too much to do.
I can't think straight. I want to sleep...but this will NEVER be done otherwise.
I need to set a goal and keep it.
But I don't want this to sound so LAME.

There's too much to lose with this.
Too, too much.

aljgaludhgfaligfalsjdkgfajlsdfgsvn;qieurhgkdsjgahlp!
the end.

To be continued...

We're both far away from home,
underneath these blinding city lights.
Compartmented hearts divide the fall,
between the crush and the conquer.

A closure to something I hoped would last forever.

It is...just past 1am.

I am to wake up in a few hours, well, six, to go to school. Where I shall do as I do most days.

I don't even know if I have homework to do.

But I know...

I just finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows...

and what an emotional rollercoaster it has been.

Intense is hardly a strong enough adjective to describe it. It was and end. Maybe not THE end, but definitely an end to THIS saga.

This epic that I have obsessed about for half my life. Eight years, this year, it will make it exactly. It's a hard fact to accept that this is really an end. No more waiting for another installment. No more wondering. Well, of course, we can always wonder, but a lot of things were explained. It's quite sad.
I'm quite upset.

A lot of people don't understand why I care so much. I know a lot of people do. But none of that matters. All I know, is that this story...has influenced me for the past eight years, so how can I not be impacted?

So I cocooned myself in my room for the most part of this weekend, and read.

I thought I would cry at the end, but I didn't. I cried near the end, but not the end. The end was bittersweet. A closure to something I hoped would last forever.

But now I'm just drained. Not so much tired. But now I can place this book amongst the rest that reside happily on my bookshelf and call it complete.

...so many things happened...

...so many things that I didn't expect, and yet some I did...

I need to convince myself that the end of this book does not signify the end of my childhood. Because it feels like it. So much. And it hurts.

falling. asleep. and into nothingness.

And you can feel them pressing your insides
inside,
against the walls,
and holding on so tight
they don't care.
They don't care, because they won't move anyways.
It's you they're moving.
It's you they're moving.
Slowly singing you to sleep.

A silent apathy where,
you don't care to push back against them,
pressing tightly...
very tightly.

A silent melody,
and a confused harmony.
The pitch is off,
The button's off,
And the little stitches you made,
To hold things together,
Decide to fall apart.
They just decided to fall apart.

Cradling you softly.
"Shh, Shh, Shh," they whisper.
They whisper,
They whisper,
They whisper.

Blue cup. Masking Tape. Silver Pen.

There are times in life when you just want to stay inside.

You want to shelter yourself from the outside world, and simply exist amongst your own familiar surroundings without anyone judging you for what you appear to be. The walls block out everything you don't want to hear, or not hear.

I write each of these words with trepidation. . .

They're slowly spilling themselves out into this blog...thoughtfully. I'm hoping I don't make a mistake. I'm hoping that this will make some sense.

But back onto the subject at hand...

I don't feel like I need to hide most of the time.

Lately I've just been wondering, "what's wrong with me?"

But now I KNOW.

I feel disgusting.
All the water in the world won't save me now (the water never worked, trust me). The water lost it's meaning and power...and chokehold over me...years ago. The water does not make me feel good.

It's the way that number can dictate your life...that's so ridiculous. They're just numbers...but they mean so much more. They made me feel like shit in Advanced Maths Yr 9 and 10. They make me feel like shit in Chem. They make me feel like shit when they tell me I've gained back nearly half the weight I fought to lose when I was 13.
But it's not the numbers fault.
I can't really blame it on them...it would seem rather silly.
It's my fault.

I live with this brain, I live with this body, and in this skin and with these consequences that derive from my actions.

I try so hard, not to be a failure.
But not hard enough.
Definitely, not hard enough.

I'm never satisfied. It's so contradicting however...that the rounded stomach and the thighs that touch are comforting sometimes...

Comments on the world around me...

Reading the SMH page today as I do most days (as it is my only source for a news fix because I do not have a long enough attention span to watch the news on TV), here are my thoughts on current issues/stories that have caught my attention:

The hype over the i-phone...
People lining up for hours to be the first ones to get it.
All this fuss somehow makes me feel a little pessimistic. I mean...what kind of depreciation occurs on mobile phones? How quickly will Apple decide to make a new model of it, quickly making all those original buyers seem oh-so out of date? And what are the chances that within a week or so, there'll be articles about all the bugs and faults within this first model? I can imagine the picture to go along with the story: Angry customers, littering major city streets with remnants of i-phones that randomly exploded due to an ill-programmed 'delete' function.

Australian Dollar...
Is tipped to be at around $0.90USD before Christmas. I'm excited! This is awesome! I always used to look at the exchange rate and be so disappointed as to where our dollar fared in the international market, especially next to world superpower America, so this is fantastic. Let's just hope this actually does happen.

Criss Angel...
Now...this dude. Is scary. I was always in awe of his power. His levitation went far beyond regular 'magicians', even so far that they called his show "Mindfreak". But off that point...they're saying now, that he has a wife, but he has never acknowledged her, and now they're getting a divorce, and I can't but help feel a little ashamed for Angel. I don't like these kinds of people, that abandon their old selves for flashy fame. His wife alleges that they had been dating for 10 years and then got married 5 years ago, but then he became famous...and basically just ignored her. Although it makes me angry...this article was very one-sided. And there are always two sides to a story. No one ever bothers to set the two stories straight, however.

Princess Isabella of Denmark...
Awww man, that pic of Prince Christian with his mum and dad and baby sister is SO DAMN CUTE. He's got cute little blonde hair and looks so innocent. How did he grow up so fast? Yes, I must admit...I pay attention to royals. I watched their wedding on TV, read those special lift-outs in newspapers and magazines, watched as Mary became a fashion icon, then watched as everyone thought she was going anorexic. And now this. Another baby. She's baptised in the same font as all the other Danish royal babies have been baptised in since 1671 and is wearing the same gown that was worn in 1870. It's mind boggling, time is. How things can remain for so long. The weird part of this whole article is this sentence: "Princess Mary's sisters Jane Stephens and Patricia Bailey, who live in Hobart, and her brother John Donaldson, from Western Australia, did not attend the christening."...are they trying to suggest some sort of rift? It feels fishy...just the way they slided that sentence in, with no explanation at all. Journalists are confusing people.

Hum Hallelujah

Foreword: The thoughts that follow may be disordered and confusing at times. I tried to make sense. I really did.
----------

"Hum Hallelujah"

One - Two - Three - Four.
How can something so simple make you believe in so much more?

It's been done before. Oh, we all know.

That same rock drum beat, where the (hopefully) co-ordinated drummer hits the snare on the two and four. It keeps the other instruments in line and essentially pushes them into rhythmic subordination. No one can emphasise the two and four but the snare. Some may argue that this role as the backbone belongs to the bass drum. But the bass drum is often flighty, in my opinion. Well, that is unfair. It sometimes keeps the one and three instead, right? Right. But no, not here. Hence the reason why I'm glorifying the almighty snare.

But then the guitar kicks in with it's discordant, "I thought I loved you."
(Because sometimes the guitar can sing words you can't hear over the distortion.)

And then the lyrics...

The bass and drum bridge section that tributes Leonard Cohen's original "Hallelujah" was done with hardcore-kids-turned-pop-punk class. And it brings the song up to a totally different level.
Knowing that the bassist overdosed on the anxiety medication Ativan while listening to Jeff Buckley's version of "Hallelujah" gives a whole new meaning to the song. I'm not taking pleasure in someone else's pain; I'm actually promoting the opposite.

This song...
This song,
is saying "don't be me, don't make my mistakes".
A unique message to send into a world that just wants to FIT IN. But when did fitting in become giving in? Giving in to become someone you're not.

I often question how the bassist hits such clean notes when his technique looks so callous. But somehow, he's definitely on the ball.
(Lesson two in band dynamics: Make sure your bassist has the rhythmic skill of a drummer.)

This song makes me feel like I'm wrong. But in a good way.

It feels like closure.

Like all those times I looked your way and melted, were simply chemicals in my brain.
Because "I thought I loved you. But it was just how you looked in the light."

So is this how the beauty of freedom feels?

In the end...you can hear the passion.

The vocals are clean and earnest; they always are. There's even a few moments of falsetto that make you want to sigh in delight. The personality in each word is so tight. It's the perfect fit.

It's a love affair...

Of words and music intertwined. They're all on the same page emotionally, so it makes it all work. It's manipulative genius.

Or maybe it's just the right chord progression?

----------

So hum hallelujah
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
It was just how you looked in the light

A teenage vow in a parking lot
"Til tonight do us part"
I sing the blues
And swallow them too

Foolishly Optimistic

"There is thing keeping everyone's lung and lips locked. It is called fear and it's seeing a great rennaissance." - 'Sing' by The Dresden Dolls.

I'm afraid. I'm deathly afraid. To the point where I think I'm going to begin and then stop. Where I'm going to face the turning point and want to run. But there is no way back. Time doesn't stop and it definitely doesn't go backwards.

So,

I write.

I write and record. So maybe when I get to that turning point in my life, I'll still have the past there, to show for something. At least I'll have concrete proof that I lived. I don't want to be left with just empty spaces within my head. Empty boxes that say "memories deleted". Because I forget everything.

A slight exaggeration, I know, but really...my memory is not to be trusted. It plays it's own games, and twists things around, so that two years ago seems like five.

----------

"Just Sing." - 'Sing' by The Dresden Dolls

This is honesty:

I don't think I write in any diaries anymore because it's easier to type.

I don't think I write poems anymore because it's easier to blog.

I don't think I do my homework at home a lot, because it's easier to be lazy.

I'm never going to be the best. So people will always be disappointed in me.

I hate disappointment, so

...I don't give up easily
...so in the end it makes me

...foolishly optimistic.



Sometimes I "just sing". And sometimes I don't sing at all because of what people tell me about other people.

----------
"Love’s not good enough, I want photographs. Something that will stand the test of...time and time again." - 'Bank Of Boston Beauty Queen' by The Dresden Dolls.

How poetic.

I feel like I'm stuck.

Maybe it's the invisble box again?

Maybe it's a hole (no, not the band Hole...).

But really...

I have to finish this Religion Assignment but I'm blogging instead. Trying to see if this makes me feel any better.

...

I don't want him to go.
No.
Why?
Don't make him leave, Lord.
This will be so weird.
I can't take it.
He can't leave.
Can he?
He's supposed to be here.
He's not meant to be the reason for my tears.
No.
I don't know what I'll do.
I'll cry and cry and cry.
Because I know he'll go.
He has to go.

...

He has to leave.

But he'll be back.
Why don't I think of the positive?
What am I going to do without him?

There'll.... be. just emptiness.
A cold.

He leaves in winter too.
How poetic.

<3Helena

Phase One Involves Me Ignoring You

"brothers and sisters put this record down,
take my advice cause we are bad news,
cause we will leave you high and dry,
it's not worth the hearing you'll lose,
it's just past eight and im feelin' young and reckless,
the ribbon on my wrist says do not open before christmas...

we're only liars but we're the best,
we're only good for the latest trends,
only good cause you can have almost famous friends,
besides weve got such good fashion sense..."

Source: "Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued" - Fall Out Boy
----------

You know what's crazy?
When Patrick sings the part "we've got such good fashion sense."

Yes.
That's the moment.
When you just know, that this song is so biting.
This seemingly happy-go-lucky song, suddenly could be taken for metal with the harsh downstrokes on a distorted guitar. It's malicious. It's evil.

It's so peculiar, that I keep listening to it. Over and over again.
That in itself, is not peculiar, because I usually listen to songs I've just heard, on repeat, because I come somewhat obsessed for a few days, but what's peculiar is what this simple 4 bar riff does to me. What it does to the rest of the song. In my opinion, it makes the song. It makes the song make sense.

It's not tearing down the fans. No. But it is an attack nonetheless.

Why is Fall Out Boy attacking?

Or more likely, why is Pete, attacking?

Only moments ago I was watching him help him mom with the groceries and show Fuse around his home, where he is still a momma's boy indeed. And he was smiling. And he was saying 'like' way too much.

But that's it. Right there.

Everything can change.

The kid smiling at you could've yelled at his sister two minutes ago.
The guy saying hello might feel so ashamed deep down.

Everyone's got this nastiness.
There's awful in all of us.

We're all hurting, we're all in pain sometimes.

Not all the time. But still, we can't pretend that everything's always fine.

This probably means nothing to nobody, but I've decided I don't care anymore.
I'm sick of vying for attention.
I'm sick of trying to be your friend.
I don't want to be cool to you, because cool to you fades.
And one day you're going to be left with just me.
Just me.
Does anyone know what that means?

"Single serving saccharine packets dripping black with lipstick kisses."

Today I figured out a few things.

I figured out:
1. I can make that flicky side of my head go straight if I just use the hair/putty/fibre stuff artistically enough to make it inconspicuous.
2. I've sunk into that anti-school mode again...

...and what I mean by that, is that I feel like I want to escape it again. This coming week feels like a chore. Like I need a survival guide and a compass and perhaps a brick wall to bang my head on.

It's moments like these, that I detach myself. I stop talking so much, and start building a little world inside my head. I set up a tent to stay overnight, create a little fire for warmth and of course, I bring along the blankets as I'm always cold (even with the fire). Because I can't stand the outside right now.

I can't stay and watch and get involved and be happy about it.

I need to plan my own revolutions in my head.

I need to separate from all this disheartening stuff.

Of course it's not all bad. I make it sound like everything's gone wrong; it hasn't.

Just maybe this week I need a raincoat, not necessarily for the rain.

----------

“We wanted out of it. It was the most negative thing in the world.”- Patrick Stump.

Uuuuuhhh...

It is 1:13am as I begin typing this.

Why, you may ask, am I awake, at 1:13am? It was out of my control...but I think I should start with last night's story...and move onto this.

To put it bluntly, I am ridiculously sick. It isn't fun at all getting all feverish and then vomiting. But the thing is...this whole sickness deal...timed itself out pretty crappily as I need to finish my 1500 Extension English Essay for tomorrow (well, today now). At about 10:30 I couldn't take it anymore, and went to bed. I wasn't even halfway through the assignment...but still, I planned to wake up early to finish it once I was rested and could think clearly.

No, I didn't plan to get up *this* early, but all night I've been plagued by dreams...where it's simply me TYPING OUT MY ASSIGNMENT. If only my dreams could be transferred into the computer...

But nonetheless, I woke up a few minutes ago with the urgent desire to use my up-chuck reflex...and therefore, thinking that wasting all my ideas in a dream, would be pointless...

... I'm finishing this now.

It's another kind of green, trust me.

Mimes.

Dressed in black and white,
and pushing for my life,
I'm stuck stuck stuck.
In this invisible box.

I press.
But you can't hear me,
You can't see me.
You don't believe me,

This box won't let me out,
This box won't let me out.

----------

Yeah, that was my attempt to push myself out of this writer's block. Its not working.
It's not working *bangs head against wall*.

The words just don't mean the same thing like they used to.

----------

I've been going through things I'll essentially need to get for my guitar and whole musical vision. It's quite an expensive list right now. Funny, because I'm not even supposed to spend the money I earn lol...so far I need...

1. Capo
2. Hardcase
3. Tuner
4. Fretboard conditioner/cleaner
5. Cleaning cloth
6. Microphone

Most of that is what I need, right now...but there are other fanciful things I could've added to that list...like getting my guitar operated on to get another strap button affixed to it, so I don't have to use a ribbon anymore or buying an amp...

On the topic of guitars...

Why does no-one ever discuss the physical pain they bring sometimes?!?! At least not in real life...Because yes, it is physically straining sometimes, and yes when you first start learning, your fingers feel like they're going to split and bleed all over your poorly formed F major chord...so why am I the only one willing to admit this?

----------

I'm screwed over this English thing...I've basically got to do the whole thing tomorrow. Yay. It's going to suck.

I'm a last minute, writer's blocked child who's relating herself back to street performing mimes...

How can 0.374g of AlCl3 have the same amount of moles as Al?

A blog before bed. I'm so tired. I'm so overwhelmed. But it's not over yet.

I feel like I need to say everything but nothing at all.

I need to write this bibliography...and finish this log book...I need to study for Chemistry and face people from work on Wednesday right after I skipped two shifts...

I need to be warm, because I hate being cold. I need to be more responsible, but I need to be more childish.

Everything's been moving so fast. Everything just needs to slow down for a while, you know?

I've been at this heightened level of emotional-ness this week. I keep taking things the wrong way, and I get severely hurt and don't end up telling anyone. I just try and ignore it.

I want to try Vegan egg substitute. I wonder what that would be like...

I just need to recommend the song "Good Love Is On The Way" by The John Mayer Trio (John Mayer + Steve Jordan + Pino Palladino = John Mayer Trio (which equals one mole :-)))

And this blog: http://postsecret.blogspot.com

I discovered it yesterday, and it's a fantastic and truly touching experience. People make their own postcards and decorate them as they see fit, along with a secret of some sort. They send them to Post Secret, and every Sunday, the secrets posted, get updated with new ones.

I also recommend Apple and Watermelon juice. I had a sip. I wish I had more...

Until next time,
<3Helena

My Weekend.

My Weekend.
In Point Form
By H.

1. Guitar lessons. Oh, guitar lessons. I was so ill-prepared...I almost didn't want to go. I have just been lacking so much motivation these past few weeks. But nontheless, I pulled through. He said I'm definitely improving. I'm so glad :-). He gave me "Why Georgia" by John Mayer. I'm very excited to start. He told me I should jam with people more. It will apparently make me a better musician. jam with lot's of people he said...people who are worse than me, at the same level as me, and better than me; I can learn from everyone.

2. I keep crying. Tears keep escaping my right eye (and then my left follows (what a conformist :P)) and I can't get this stupid thing (whatever it is) out of my eye. It just HURTS. I want it to go away. This morning I looked in the mirror, and now my eyelid is all swollen. I look asymmetrical. I went to the chemist and he looked at my eye, and apparently it's not infected (for now), but if it does get infected, I should come back. He gave me some eyedrops. My aunt put some into my eye for me...but it doesn't seem to be doing anything.

3. Wedding yesterday. Dude, sitting at a table of girls who don't eat much is HARD. I had to force myself to be like "hey, can you pass that tray over...I want more prawns" while most of them sit in under-eating torment. Mara wasn't there...so I didn't dance much. I did Kolo...but EVERYONE does Kolo...and I danced with my mum at the end.

4. My sister had a car accident this morning. She spent the night here, and left today and she didn't get very far before she hit a parked car. Oh well. Luckily no one got hurt...her car just had to get towed. It was weird...when she called. In my head, when I see people, I'm constantly praying for them. I think "Please Lord, make sure they make it home safe," or "Please Lord, look after them through this rough time," when I'm talking to them or looking at them...but I never even THOUGHT my sister would be in any trouble today. Why didn't I think that? When I pray for people's long health, I have this sinking feeling in the back of my mind that they'll die the next day...but when something does happen that is bad...I don't even think of it.

5. I have to go to freaking work and they're going to be all "where were you yesterday, you were rostered on!?" Well, hello...I told you a few days ago I couldn't work today...why do you have to call my home and make my mum explain why I'm not there. Gahhh.

6. My mum got kinda annoyed at me for my eye problem because she had to do all this driving around which was preventing her from taking my relatives from interstate to the wedding after-party...and it made me feel guilty. Gahh, I hate being in people's way. I don't want to cause issues.

7. I pretended to be a teacher yesterday, and controlled a Croatian Year 2 Saturday school class for 2 hours yesterday and taught them CROATIAN. Colours and Numbers were the topics that we did activities for. I can't believe I made it through. I got to write on the board...and take a roll...and help them when they didn't understand. We said prayer together...and did activities...gahhh. I can't believe it.

The End.

I've been listening to "Seize the Day" all day today.

Today I worked for a long time.
Well...
5 hours.
But it felt like a long time...and I had to do an extra 20 minutes at the end to help pack away the cigarettes.

And while I was at my register...my ear started hurting.

And normally...you'd think "Ow, no! A freaking earache!?"
But no.
I was thinking "Yes! Does this mean I don't have to go to school tomorrow?"

Which brings me onto my main point in this confusing mess...I just don't want to go to school tomorrow.

This public holiday brought me so much comfort...a reminder of what school holidays felt like. I've never in my life missed school holidays *that* much. But I really, REALLY, don't want to go to school for a while.

It's too much. I can't take it.
I want it to disappear for a while, so I can sleep and have weird dreams and not have to worry and fret over things that I pretend not to worry about.
That's double the effort right there. There's the whole worrying part, then the whole, trying to cover it up part.

Save me, please?
----------

They played "Your Body Is A Wonderland" today on the supermarket radio thingy :-).

I'm sure John Mayer didn't purposely set out to write pleasant songs for shoppers to listen to and not be frightened by, but fortunately for me, his songs get played quite often.

It's a comforting feeling.

It's a part of home life.

Unlike that damn "Sarah" song. And I'm not talking about the song by Eskimo Joe...it's this song that says the name "Sarah" WAY too many times for it to be taken seriously. The funny thing about the situation...is that one day I was in the bathroom at Westfields when I first heard that song, and was first quite annoyed with it. But then, to top it all off...later that day when I was working...the "Sarah" song appeared AGAIN. Just my luck.

I find it odd that once you find out about a song...it seems to haunt you.

Maybe it always haunted you, but you just never noticed? I don't know.

But like I told Emily already..."Road Trippin'" is now haunting me ever since she showed me the song.

On the topic of shopping background music...the other day I walked into a clothes store...I can't remember exactly which one it was, but the music was loud, and not really "background". But hey, I'm not complaining, I'd rather they bring the music out from the background, and into the foreground.

But this particular shop...

Gahh...

I was scared.

That music was intimidating. And scary.

Which is weird...because it wasn't anything sterotypically considered 'scary' ie. shock rock Marilyn Manson or death metal etc. That I can handle and sometimes appreciate...but it was just....

this electronic,
ostinato
of fear.

I wanted to run out and cry.

But then I just thought to myself, "How the hell do they expect to sell clothes with this overpowering the ears of everyone?"

----------

Anyways, I need to go and sleep. Goodnight
<3Helena

The colours have built up in my mind/They're bleeding through my heart.

This blog scares me.

I am frightened by that first sentence I just plucked out of my cluttered head, and, predictably, will probably be frightened of every sentence to follow.

Every...painstaking word, is taking more and more out of me. And I shouldn't even be writing this.

That sentence sucked. And so did this one, and the one before it. It doesn't matter though.

It usually doesn't matter THIS much.

I usually shut myself up. Stop thinking so intricately, and stop analysing. I stop having ISSUES and simply write. I don't have to make decisions then.

But the funny (or not-so funny) part is, I'd rather it be me.

There's a certain control within having no control of yourself.

That sentence seems very contradicting, but I can explain it.

When it's no-one but me, fretting over what I'm doing and how I'm saying things, I am infinitely in control. When everyone else claims to know me, I start to lose that control. I start thinking "hey, this is so predictable, I bet they can tell right?"

I don't want to be a pattern. I don't want to have a key. I'd rather fall down and dust myself off and say "hey, you wanna go get ice-cream" like we've NEVER done it before. But I don't want to be so illogical that it becomes logical.

But right now, I am in control. Of myself, of my mind.

Don't try and take that away from me, because I'll probably crawl into a hole and die.

----------
The End.
---
The Beginning.
----------
"Now the war is over,
Mussolini's dead,
He wanted to go to Heaven with a crown upon his head.
The Lord said "No!"
You've got to stay below,
All dressed up,
With no where to go."

I found out what (by popular belief) it means.
It seems so out of place at the end of the song, but now it makes perfect sense.

The second character in the song (the 'you' character), the person the first character is directing all the stabs at...is compared to that of Mussolini, a fascist dictator. A lot of people think this song is based around a relationship turned sour, with the first character claiming that she's okay now they're not together, she's having a FANTASTIC time without him there, and would love to rub it in and in that way...the 'Mussolini' character, has gotten his comeuppance. He used to think he was "all that" ie. with the crown upon his head, but in the end...he sucks, and must stay in Hell.

<3Helena

I'll be your best kept secret, and your biggest mistake.

Music is forever a driving factor in my life.

I think, that if it wasn't there, I would probably die a sad and lonely person. But then I think, that if I hadn't discovered the wonders of it, I'd have no regret, and would probably find something else to be fulfilled with.

But that's the thing, I'd have to be a COMPLETELY different person.

It's a funny thing, music is. Most of the time, I love it. It's something to connect to, something that shares an emotion, something that might say something funny or profound. Sounds, notes, words...they all the have these infinite powers, and how they are interpreted are all up to the listener. Sometimes it makes me upset though. Not even just through the emotional aspect of a sad song, but just because it's there. Just because it *is* that driving force in my life.

Just because it's a mountain I'm trying to climb, but I'm never satisfied with how far I've gotten. It highlights how upset I am with myself, in other aspects of my life. It tears open the wounds, and reveals the flesh and blood and just leaves you there stranded. This one thing...this thing you counted on, as something that would be there forever...it makes you rethink your real achievement and says you're not good enough. Those are the times that make me hate it.

But it's not music's fault. It's not, whatever 'it' is. Music is an entity which embodies other things. In comes in different forms, and some of them I simply cannot handle sometimes. It's when you get the people, involved in the music, that's when it often starts to suck, but more often then not, it does enrich the cause. Seriously, it does.

I seem to be all doom and gloom, but without the people, there'd be nothing to show for it. There'd be notes never discovered, and never written down. Never performed as an art, never revered. I love the passion in it. I love the creativity. I hate it when I can't have some of it too.

I'm annoyed at the mentality sometimes, that what is old is fantastic (and what is new is crap or vice versa, old=crap, new=good). I mean, in a way, I understand it completely. Antiques, are worth a lot of money, because they are relics of the past, they are a part of a time gone, a history. But with music, I just want people to like music for what it is, not for what people say it is. When people give me the excuse "but it's a classic" that doesn't tell me much at all. In any artform, not even just music. It tells me it's an old song/movie/piece/artwork etc. but doesn't tell me anything about it's merits. People seem to like things just because other people said it was cool. It became a 'classic' because someone found something in it that was awesome, and spread the word, which other people agreed with. But when you start telling me you like things simply for it's popularity, don't you think you've become just as bad as the people drinking in the consumerist arts of the now? Great lovers of these 'classics' often sneer down their noses of people who enjoy new contributions to their art of choice, but in the end, it just doesn't make sense to me.

I am not saying, what's old and classic is bad, nor am I saying what is new and faddish is bad either. I just wish time were not so segregated. I'll use a Studies Of Religion word, "metatemporal". I want the past, the future, the now, to combine as one in the arts, so that people aren't casting off things due to the opinions of others. I just want people to use their senses. See. Hear. Touch. Taste. Smell. Don't walk around completely blind to what is in front of you.

Experience and form an opinion.

I can't seem to find the right words to say what I feel right now. It's all a jumble. I just want things to be fair.
Yeah, in the end, that's all what I want.
Equality. Fairness. Free-thinking.
Never give in to what other people tell you, you should believe. Think about it before agreeing or disagreeing, because it's just as rude to let someone down without proper reasoning.

"So much sacred in the month of April too"

Last night.
I saw.
John.
Clayton.
Mayer.

My idol, love of my life, the guy I've been waiting 4 YEARS TO SEE.

And I saw him.

And in all honesty, he played brilliantly.
I realised last night, that the album versions of his songs are like bases. They provide the general outline, but when JM get's to being creative, he changes them up in all these awesome ways.

His crowd banter was fantastic and witty as usual. I was almost scared he'd get onstage, tired of doing this tour (Sydney was the last stop on his Australia tour) and do it halfheartedly, but you could most definitely tell his soul was in it.

The best solo of the night was during 'Gravity'. It seems like such a tame song on the album, but the way he played it last night...began similar enough, and ended HUGE, with a long solo filled with bluesy riffs and even some shredding.

The songs I wanted him to play were:
No Such Thing x
Heart Of Life x
Stop This Train x
Your Body Is A Wonderland
Comfortable
Home Life
Why Georgia x

(The x's next to the songs mean those are the ones he actually played off my list.)
So I was very content with the set list. I loved the fact that he didn't just stick to 'Continuum' but he spanned all his years, going from the Inside Wants Out EP, to Room For Squares, to Heavier Things, to Try! (by the John Mayer Trio) and then Continuum as well (obviously, he didn't play his songs chronologically in order of year ^o^.)

I was really happy with the familiarity I saw.
I didn't want to go to a John Mayer concert, and feel really out of tune with him and the audience he now has. But you know what, in the end, John was still the funny guy, who bonded with the audience, did his 'honky-tonk' dance with his leg, and did those random, breathy "i-quickly-move-back-from-the-microphone-to-create-the-effect-of-distance" 'Yeahs'...just like I've always known, even before I got to see him live last night.

I love it when he changed the lyrics. Hence the title of this blog. The original line is "so much sacred in the month of June". Is it lame of me to feel special because April is the month I'm born...so John isn't leaving me out of his whole "this is sacred" deal. He probably changes the lyric every month...to show that all the months are sacred ^o^.

Ahh, there was this point near the beginning of the show, where he was in between songs and talking to the audience. And he was basically describing how, in the last song "No Such Thing", like just before he began, he saw this kid in an orange t-shirt up front, and just thought "that's a complete love of music". So he thought about it in the song, when a little break would be, so he could throw a guitar pick for this kid in the orange shirt, and so he threw it, and it landed somewhere else, and this other man got it. Anyways, at the end of this speech, John then stepped down from the stage, and onto some amps and personally gave this kid a pick.

How I wished that I was that kid right there. ^o^.

Nonetheless...I bought John Mayer guitar picks, and my sister bought me a John Mayer hat, so I'm all excited. I feel. I just feel. Like. Concerts make me feel better. They re-inforce the belief in me that everything will be okay. That everything will be fine. That I just need to go to school and work, and come home and fall into music. Just fall into John Mayer and other music that makes me feel okay for a 3 minute song, or a 50 minute album.

It inspires.

"If you're reading this with an instrument in your lap - get to work, and deep in it. We all need you." - John Mayer

One Hundred Things About Me.

I've seen this done on blogs before. They're usually pretty entertaining (at least to me). So I thought I'd give it a go, something a little more joyous and insightful than my last post ^o^.

100. I was named after a 1970's-early 1990's Australian children's television show presenter.

99. If my mum didn't give me this name, I would have been either a Melissa or Michelle.

98. I've had my mobile phone for 3-4 years. It is not a colour phone, and doesn't have any nifty camera actions. I call it 'vintage'.

97. I am immediately attracted to people of the Aries star sign. I often feel a connection to them and automatically want to know more about them or be their friend.

96. Music is my life. I have an obsession with sounds.

95. I have one sister and two brothers. I am the third, and generally...middle child.

94. I don't think I got middle child syndrome, however. Being the middle child has it's perks.

93. The first John Mayer songs that got me instantly hooked on him in 2003, were 'Your Body Is A Wonderland' and 'Comfortable'.

92. Nomatter how many memories I forget, I remember that one as clear as day. My sister was having a shower and I was pressing the speakers to my ears and smiling in delight, because I had found such awesomeness.

91. I don't have a best friend. I have close friends.

90. I have myopia in my eyes and therefore need glasses to see distances clearly.

89. I am terrible with streets and street names. Half the time, I don't know where I am.

88. I am very protective of myself and will not easily let you in.

87. I like laughing and making jokes (even lame ones).

86. I laugh at my own jokes more than other people laugh at them.

85. In the A7X video for 'Bat Country', Synyster's solo moves=making love to his guitar. Do you know how long I've been waiting to tell someone that?

84. I don't get very sick very often.

83. I used to suffer from an anxiety disorder, now I just deal with it.

82. I'm really good at ignoring things/people.

81. When I grow up I want to be a rockstar.

80. I'm Catholic and quite religious.

79. I'm intrigued by the dead and the spirit world and spend time researching and trying to find paranormal activity.

78. I love to cook.

77. I pick/bite/cut off the dead skin around my nails and on my fingertip calluses (from playing guitar.)

76. I bite at my nails, but never bite them off.

75. I don't like playing music for my family.

74. I am a check-out chick, so how are you today and would you like this in a bag?

73. I have no middle name.

72. I live inside my head and dream too much.

71. I write.

70. If all else fails, I want to be a journalist. If that fails. I'll figure something else out...which brings me onto my next point...

69. "Which number am I think of?" "69!!!"--> I enjoy 80's and 90's movies like Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, The Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink, Wayne's World 1 and 2 and Sixteen Candles.

68. A lot of people I know or casually meet love the movie "The Nightmare Before Christmas." I've never seen it, but know more about this movie than any other movie I have not seen due to all these people and plain curiosity.

67. I only like manipulating sounds and words (and play-doh). People hate you if you manipulate them, so I don't.

66. I generally can't choose favourites. So I make fake favourites of things that I like a lot, just to make people happy. Pink is my 'favourite' colour, and 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' is my 'favourite' movie.

65. I get easily obsessed.

64. These obsessions have their moments and fade. Then come back again.

63. I used to wonder how teachers with lolly jars never used to eat all the lollies inside. Such self-control.

62. I was born with a Hernia and had to have an operation when I was 11 days old.

61. I love scars. They always have the best stories. I can tell you a story for just about all of scars on my body.

60. One of these scars came from when I was 5. I accidentally spilled boiling water onto my left thigh and burnt it.

59. I cringe when I hear crappy imitations of accents.

58. I sometimes get up at weddings with my cousin onto an empty dance floor and dance like an idiot while people watch in an attempt to make more people come and dance.

57. Dictionaries distract me. I go to one to look up one word...then end up dwelling upon other pages because I see new and interesting words I want to know. Wikipedia has the same effect on me.

56. I used to read Encyclopaedia's a lot. I like general knowledge.

55. I don't like doing Bob Tasman's singing exercises not because they're bad, but because they remind me of my old keyboard teacher.

54. I believe I'm going to get cancer.

53. I will never get a tattoo.

52. I have trouble watching TV, not because there's not anything good on (that's the problem), it's that I can't make a decision on only watching ONE thing.

51. I enjoy watching infomercials. They suck me in. Gahh, if only I had a credit card...I'd be a hairagami wearing, 60's music collection listening, magic bullet using person... in debt.

50. I love thinking about intricacies of life and analysing other people.

49. Sometimes I get lost in thought so much that I don't believe I exist anymore. It's really scary when I do that. The only way I bring myself back is by reminding myself who I am.

48. I don't like watching Dora The Explorer. At all.

47. I love clothes but I don't love fashion.

46. I don't know how to whistle.

45. I've never had a boyfriend.

44. I don't like eating raw tomatoes, anchovies, pink Extra gum, coffee, tea, alcohol, Yakult and most beans. The only thing I get made to eat is the beans. (And the Yakult when I'm sick).

43. I press really hard when I write and colour in in pencil. I dislike writing lightly or with light coloured pens.

42. I sing in two choirs.

41. I have incorrect pen grip, and like it that way.

40. Google holds the answer to most of my problems.

39. I like reading the back of shampoo bottles, make-up, toilet roll bags, instructions etc.

38. I just like reading in general. Fiction is an escape, and I remember things better when they have been written down. I'm not good with the whole verbal communication only thing.

37. I like extremes a lot.

36. I am a contradiction.

35. I don't want to get older.

34. I believe in Girl Power!

33. I like cats.

32. My teeth are not perfectly straight.

31. When I buy clothing I don't think about how I'm going to look in it a lot of the time. If it makes me happy enough...

30. People intimidate me a lot.

29. I pretend like I'm not scared/intimidated. It get's me through many situations.

28. Sometimes I like to dwell, and sometimes I like to laugh things off.

27. I love getting and making mix CD's.

26. I hate mediocrity.

25. I often talk to people after accidental suicide attempts. I don't know if I've gotten any better at it.

24. Can you tell I like pretending to be a counsellor/psychologist?

23. I want to design and make my own clothes.

22. I am not afraid of bees, but have been stung by them twice.

21. There's a certain shade of purple I dislike, and certain shade I like. I call them yukky purple and nice purple.

20. If I was living through the things I lived through as a child, I don't know how I'd cope because I would be fully aware of the situations for once.

19. I don't have an mp3 player.

18. My signature is the product and was influenced of an episode of a show called 'Eerie Indiana'.

17. I think 17 is the perfect age.

16. I've never seen a complete Star Wars movie and don't intend to.

15. When I was younger I didn't believe in boy and girl germs.

14. Chocolate Nesquik is my all-time favourite drink, and I can say that it is truthfully my favourite and not my 'favourite' ^o^.

13. I say stupid things. A lot.

12. I dislike the cold immensely, and therefore wear a lot of clothing in winter.

11. I enjoy Autumn and Summer the most, but I like all the seasons. Only Spring sometimes annoys me...

10. I always fall for people who don't like me back.

9. I like listening to the rain and the thunderstorms when I'm in bed.

8. I sleep on the right side of my bed, because the left is closest to the window, and when I was younger, I thought this meant that the robbers/murderers would get to me quicker if I was on the left.

7. I learned to accept the dark as simply a place with no light and therefore lost fear of it.

6. I listen to Green Day's "Time Of Your Life" before or after changing events.

5. I still haven't changed my mobile phone clock to the right time. It's still set to be an hour ahead.

4. That often confuses me. Especially when I wake up at 5:30am, thinking it's 6:30am and I freak out.

3. I love sleeping. I don't get enough sleep in my opinion.

2. I don't like it when people call me Helz.

1. I hope I didn't screw up any of the numbers. If I do...blame it on my lack of mathematical skills.



THE END.

It all began...

with a day off from school and a lot of time to think.

Oh. And a lenten promise.

No MySpace to satiate my blogging addiction anymore...

Maybe this is wrong? And I shouldn't be doing this? I said I wanted to be able to express my feelings to a book or to myself or to other people with ease, rather than simply running to a blog. I think if this goes out of hand again...I'll just have to erase it all...but for now, I get to express myself again.

I'm just sitting here in my pyjamas, listening to music I wish I made and dreaming of what could happen to me. I've tried to plan out my life before. No matter how much I tell people I have no idea what I want to do with my life, that kind of lack of direction just seems to uncharacteristic of me. I mean, sure, I don't really know *exactly* what I want to do all of the time, but just because I can't decide what I want for lunch doesn't mean I don't know what I want to do with my life.

I remember my sister telling me years and years ago that she knew she wanted to go to university from a young age. Within herself, she felt that if she did not achieve that goal, she would be a failure. I understand that, but in a way, those words make me different from her (among other things). Her exterior was rebel, but her inside was quite contained in the end. While that's the opposite for me. I appear to be meek, but inside I just want to scream and shout and run.

If I didn't go to university, it wouldn't bother me. But I know I have to, and you know what, I'm even looking forward to it. I know I couldn't really explain to my parents "hey...well, I don't want to get any qualifications, I just want to move overseas and play music. " And you know what, even I'm not that daring to do that. Even I want that Plan B. So this is it. I'll finish school with awesome marks, study in university and make my parents proud. Then at least, I can't disappoint them much after that can I? I'm not dumb. I might have stupid moments, but I realised at an early age to learn that I have a capability to learn a lot.

So I don't know. I've tried not to make plans. In my mind, they can't go wrong if I had nothing to put it up against. If things don't happen the way I want them to, I can accept that change much easier if there was nothing planned in the first place.

But you know what? In the back of my mind...I'll know about those fake "plans" I never made. And I'll still be disappointed...