the year is winding down

what have you achieved?

I was just reading an open letter on Gala Darling's blog.

"We all had some crushing lows & our fair amount of anguish, but despite all that, I think you’ve done really well."

I feel like I'm in a transitional moment. Like this year won't really end, but it shall continue. I don't feel resolved, but I feel on the edge of discovery.

"I think that when you are doing important things, the universe will throw challenges at you to see how serious you are. If you give up, it obviously didn’t mean that much to you. The universe will give your dream to someone else. But you haven’t given up. You keep forging ahead. You are so lionhearted & full of love & hope."

I will continue forging along this path. That has be rife with 'crushing lows'. But I see the silver lining. I see the progress I've made. I've seen the progress we've all made. Up and down.

"You are such an inspiration to me & everyone around you! We are so glad you are here. You make us really happy."

font?

Sometimes.
I don't like myself very much.

I'm sure this is a very relatable attribute.

Though this fact doesn't reassure me in times like this.

Today I'm in the process of creating my reinvention.
It isn't so much clinical as it is an adventure into art, smoke and mirrors.

I will be here.
Living.
But pulling the puppet strings of another.
Someone I can use to represent MY ideas, without ME.

Until I can get used to the idea of me.

(I hope this is the same font. It doesn't seem the same as before hrm.)

Anxiety (a poem)

Anxiety.
It has it's grip
in every facet
I can possibly see
in me.
Dreams plagued by
the notion
that it
really will
only be a dream.
Harrassed
by my head.
To overthink,
To recreate,
To give in,
To give up.
All we hear
is the constant
patter.
One by one
we move along,
thinking that
maybe it won't matter
once it all
drops.

bad romance

I highly recommend for you to watch Lady Gaga's new video for her song Bad Romance. It is really amazing how this collection of imagery is now apart of the pop mainstream. This isn't sexy for the sake of being sexy. This is being sexy and unsexy for art. To represent a collage of ideas visually. It's much simpler to sell music by not going to these lengths.

and how was I to know, that what we carved in stone, would be so temporary?

So I don't really know why I took 2 extra shifts at work this week. Which pretty much doubles how much work I usually do. I guess it'll be okay. I don't know, whatever. I have to do it now anyways. When I work I feel really good that I have the opportunity to do something productive to benefit wider society in my own small way and that I have the opportunity to learn important lessons about working, about money, about how things operate in general... but then sometimes I'd rather be doing something else, or doing nothing at all.

I've had a couple ideas lately. It's really rather exciting. I've been doing some research, been inspired. Maybe this will be one of those things I just think of doing and never do, but I hope it really works anyways. Hopefully I'll have something to show for my thoughts.

Hurry up and boil, water! It's taking far too long >.<

Anyways...
" I hope you're all doin' well and feelin' sexy !"- HW
=]

quotes + rambling

"What I've found out is there is beauty in "figuring out"... I hope I never have life figured out for myself. I want to be in a content state of learning and growing and I hope God can always show me from the bottom there are more ways to look up. " - Hayley Williams



"Dear Julie,

Do you ever feel like an extra in your own life? It seems like I'm forever stuck in the background, watching other people do and say all the things I feel inside. One day I'm gonna surprise everyone with my talents. They will be laughing and crying and texting me so often that I will be annoyed. Until then,

Sandy."



And one more quote...



"At the local communist party headquarters, the band played for an audience of 10 for almost that many hours." - Courtney Taylor



The last quote is from the voiceover in this documentary called 'DiG!'. It's really amazing for reasons I probably won't even be able to effectively articulate. It's is basically a movie following two bands, The Dandy Warhols and The Brian Jonestown Massacre over a seven year period. It is narrated by the Dandy's lead singer Courtney and I guess when you look at this for a 'plot' of sorts...It's kind of coming down to the idea that just because you are really talented doesn't make you really 'successful' in terms of the music industry, but I guess this theme can be applied to many other situations. The two bands are initially friends - the two lead singers Courtney and Anton Newcombe have this crazy bond. The Dandy Warhols get signed by Capitol Records, go on tour, make videos, get screwed over, but succeed in the end. They're relatively stable. Anton's band is plagued by drug issues, band relationship issues etc...Even though, from an outsider's perspective, their music could probably be considered "better," whatever that term means to you. You get the idea that Anton is the 'crazy genius' character in all this, who'll do anything, doesn't stick to the norm, who is a self-professed multi-instrumentalist (he claims to play over 80 instruments). The Brian Jonestown Massacre released a staggering 4 full length albums within a period of about 2 years. All their music is available for free for download on their website. They're still around, but I guess not as commercially successful as the Dandy's. It's funny, I read a recent-ish interview from Anton, and he was saying something to the effect of "I didn't do a Radiohead or a NIN, [and release my music for free], Radiohead and NIN did a me." This theme of Anton being a revolutionary is evident within the film. I'm fascinated by this whole thing. I'm not exactly sure what's drawing it in. Would it be terrible cliche to suggest that this is "real". I'm obsessed with "reality" television. I've recently realised just how much I watch, but I've also become aware of how much can be plotted and fabricated. After the film's release, Anton wasn't very happy with it. He didn't like how it presented them in a Jerry Springer-like way...I guess because they showed the onstage fighting etc. I'm not sure why I wrote all this down...but ever since I watched this documentary I keep thinking about it. I keep listening to The Dandy Warhols. It's just...amazing to watch, for me. It feels real. It doesn't feel like your average story.

Some other highlights of music documentaries I've watched recently..
'Meeting People Is Easy.", the Radiohead documentary is really bizarre, because you feel so alienated watching it in a sense. You feel as alienated as the band maybe? But there are a lot of moments that are completely normal as well. I think it's very evident through in the opening...the disjointedness of the sound etc is creepy. I love when documentaries are effective. Like when they emphasise the repetition of things. It seems more realistic in a sense. We'd like to think rockstars do really cool things all the time and are never bored, but they have to deal with a lot of boring crap like everyone else.

In the Classic Album Series for Nirvana's Nevermind, I LOVED when they totally stripped back this song I can't remember the name of. There's a story behind everything...and I find myself most interested in those kinds of things. The thought processes and actions behind the way a particular line was recorded etc...I'm not sure why this stuff is so important to me. Maybe cause I hope one day someone will pick apart what I write or sing and really understand the meanings behind. I do most things so particularly. I'd love for people to spout off analysis' of what people say. It'd probably get very tedious after a while, but I think I'd enjoy it for a while =].

HappyHalloween

"It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.You can't believe it; you were always singing along.It was so easy and the words so sweet.You can't remember; you try to feel the beat.
You spend half of your life trying to fall behind.You're using your headphones to drown out your mind.It was so easy and the words so sweet.You can't remember; you try to move your feet."
- Eet, by Regina Spektor

I feel like I hate you. Even though I don't hate anyone.
But by this logic, I must hate myself too.
This is a perplexing tragedy, I must admit.
I'm falling away.

*deep voice*

"We're gonna ride the race cars!
We're gonna dance on fire!
We're the girls Le Disko!
Supersonic overdrive! "
-Le Disko, by Shiny Toy Guns.

Everything is one step off letting go and just having fun.
Just. one. step.

I'm awkward and I know it (so I clap my hands).

And!
I say nothing and everything at once. It's kind of funny reading the responses to that token sentence I always seem to find a place for in an essay...they have the most interesting responses though. They always get a response. This time it was 'elliptical'. That's a pretty good description for my sentences that sound like like they're saying nothing and everything at the same time. But they see past it, and just think I can't get to the point.

I have a list in my head of all the materialistic things I want.
I have a list in my head of all the spiritual things I want to achieve.
I believe there's a balance at times. Sometimes there's not however.

(clap your hands for me going back to cryptic blogs)

ideas and moments

Today, I would really like to blog about the Bible verses that have inspired me this week.

Job 8: 8 - 9
"Look for the moment at ancient wisdom; consider the truths our fathers learnt. Our life is short, we know nothing at all; we pass like shadows across the earth..."

This passage, in particular the ending, "we pass like shadows across the earth," really had a profound effect on me when I was reading it this morning. I stumbled across the book of Job by accident, when I was looking for something else, but this phrase simply floored me. I don't really understand the book of Job very much, I understand it on a basic level. This part of Job is a response by his friend Bildad, and it really made me consider my own place here. Sometimes I feel like I know it all, only to be brought to my knees by the idea that I don't. We feel we have everything in control, and that everything is working out fine, but as the passage continues in 13 - 15, "Godless men are like those reeds; their hope is gone, once God is forgotten. They trust a thread - a spider's web. If they lean on a web, will it hold them up?" It won't hold them up. People of all religions seem to agree on the main idea that materialism will not help you. Whether you're Islamic, Buddhist, Wiccan etc. the core of religions transcend the everyday. I personally have a very broad view of 'materialism.' I struggle with this, because I seem to put almost everything under this banner. It's a continual learning experience, to scale back and look at all that is important in this world, in your life. What makes you more than a shadow on the earth?

Psalms 91: 2 - 4
'"You are my defender and protector. You are my God; in you I trust." He will keep you safe from all hidden dangers and from all deadly diseases. He will cover you with his wings; you will be safe in his care; his faithfulness will protect and defend you."

Psalm 91, has for a while been one of my favourites, and I keep coming back to it because it has a profound affect on me when I feel scared or alone. It lifts up my spirit and helps me feel grounded, I recommend to anyone to read (or sing!) the whole thing when they feel this way. I need to learn that some things I can't control by myself. And people can't be there for me 24/7...it's simply impossible. Whilst anyone's walk with God is always a struggle, there are moments when you feel you can't do it anymore, you should just pray and be calm. Like that cliched, walking in the sand story...Sometimes our problems cannot be fixed when we are heavy of heart, or not totally control, or we're hurting ourselves. This Psalm reminds me to lift it up to God, to trust in Him.

Ephesians 4: 15 - 16
" Instead, by speaking the truh in a spirit of love, we must grow up in every way to Christ, who is the head. Under his control all the different parts of the body fit together, and the whole body is held together by every joint with which it is provided. So when each separate part works as it should, the whole body grows and builds itself up through love."

This passage has such beautiful imagery. The whole concept of being wholly encapsulated by love, living love, being a vessel of love, giving and recieving love etc. is I think a really beautiful concept. This passage motivates me to try and live more openly, more lovingly and more prayerfully. To take care of myself, and of everything around me, with the same respect. This is reminiscent of Jesus' Golden Rule, to love one another as I have loved you. Open you eyes, your arms, your hearts to love. Don't be afraid of something so pure.

Operation Beautiful

I discovered http://operationbeautiful.com today.

It's mission is to end "fat talk" and let people know in random acts of kindness that they are beautiful. It makes me want to join in, and leave a random note for girls in a bathroom somewhere...

I love this paragraph: "So, what do we really mean when we say, "I’m so fat"? We actually mean that we are FULL WITH AN EMOTION. Oftentimes, it’s shame. Or sadness. Or fear. Why do we express our inner turmoil by hating our bodies? Because that’s what Fat Talk and society tells us to do. Don’t admit you’re scared, just feel fat! Don’t admit you’re lonely or depressed, you’re just fat! We can deal with ugliness, we cannot deal with weakness. The next time you feel the urge to say, "I’m so fat," think about what you REALLY mean. By berating your body, you aren’t doing any favors. But by honoring your emotions, you’re living a happier, more honest life."

It's very true. Fat talk is just another way to lie, and lies are just emotionally draining amongst other things. Because in all honesty, eating something does not make you fat immediately. That is just impossible.

I'm sick of fat talk. I'm sick of partaking in it, and having to listen to it. It's just blatant misinformation. When you say it, it's not only hurting yourself, but hurting other people around you. There seems to be no positive in this action. I don't want to be lied to, I want to stop lying to myself.

That is all. x

ba da ba da

This is the narrative of my sad life.
My assignment was due on Monday. It is now 12:06am Thursday. I have written approximately 300 words since I began writing it on the day it was due. This is not a completely sad story. I had 1 assignment due last Thursday and 2 due on Friday. Then the weekend was filled with birthday celebrations. I said to myself, I'll hand it in on Tuesday, one day late isn't too bad, it's only 1 mark off per day. Then on Monday I couldn't bring myself to write more than 300 words, and Tuesday I was creating my presentation for class on Wednesday. A few minutes ago it was Wednesday night, and I said to myself I'd write at least 600 words so I could wake up tomorrow and finish it and then I could go watch "Whip It" and feel free and stuff like that...
But no.
I have procrastinated for the past 2 hours or so, listening to The Dandy Warhols and reading blogs.
I'm not the only one though. That's meant to be comforting I guess. But it doesn't really help me further this essay. Bah!

Open Letters

1.
I'm so sick of dealing with people who don't understand anything that's coming out of my mouth. Like I'm talking a different language. I guess I don't make it any easier with the way I say things and they're weighted with double meanings a lot of the time. But honestly, I don't understand how I can feel so helpless right now. I feel like crawling into a ball when you don't understand what I'm saying. When you want to change the subject, as if what I'm saying isn't important to you, or you don't get that what I'm saying IS important to me. I hate the fact that I believed you were capable of doing such things to me, that honest to God I believed you and I took it. And I thought to myself "oh well, I can't expect anymore, really, can I? And I hate that you asked me why I believed you, and I didn't tell you the whole truth.
2.
It disturbs me when you can't handle the most positive of truths. When they compare us and come up to the conclusion that you're better. It's kind of bizarre how in such scenarios people are not afraid to openly judge us. But really, we're all the same right? We're all worth the same, and we're all loved the same, but in truth, we're not. I wish you wouldn't say some things...I wish I could tell you a story so you'd truly understand. I wish I didn't have to be your comparison. I wish I didn't feel so fucking stupid next to you and everyone else.
3.
I wish you'd just believe me. I wish I could figure out how. It disturbs me knowing that I'm letting you pass by and I have no idea what's going on. Something of an idea, but not much.
4.
I wish you'd remember my name. I wanted to mean something to someone, even if I don't like one of your friends. I don't even know for sure how I feel about you, if I want you as a friend, but I really just wish I was important enough for you to at least remember my name.
5.
I pray that I'm worth it. Maybe you'll think I'm worth it? I'd like to think I am, but I can't force you into doing something that isn't a natural feeling to you. That I was not an ugly wallflower, blending into the background music. I'm not made to do that, though somedays I think I am? I always wish to find someone outspoken and oozing with unapologetic individuality just so I can feel some balance. But I think I act the wrong (right) way. This is who I am? Does it matter? Does it change?
6.
Stop telling me to shut up. You told me today and I stopped talking, that's what you wanted right? I never felt so unappreciated. I will never understand how you keep your friends without falling to your knees. I feel like I owe everyone something. I try treat them so nice, I must be boring, but just so I can keep a friend. It's easier to be outwardly happy and boring with friends than to be alone and interesting with no one to share it with.
7.
Because I hate the number 6.

I can't believe we almost hung it up! woahhhh

I can't be bothered to do anything really.
It's kind of bad that I know that things will just pile up and then I will struggle to complete them. But what to do, what to do? I'm preoccupied with other things. People underestimate the power of simply doing nothing. It has just hit me hard today. Probably because I got forced out of bed. No one likes being forced into anything.
I have to take a passport photo. Probably will do it today once I start getting a move on all the things that have to be done. It's weird getting an adult passport...I have to keep it for 10 years. All I keep thinking is how in 10 years time I'mma have this passport photo and I'll look so different. Better or worse, I don't know. But I'll probably look different. I keep obsessing over my fringe length. It says my eyes have to be visible...and my eyes are visible. But when I take a photo, I've noticed I naturally tilt my face down , so you see less of my eyes. I need to either cut off more of my fringe or just remember to keep my face straight. At least I don't have to smile with teeth. Or show my ears. I don't not like my ears, I just prefer not showing them.
I've really been inspired by new music lately.

"why do the good girls always want the bad boys?"*

It is always disheartening to continuously half-look, and never have the courage to really look. Or to keep the gaze. I'm thinking that's what I'm missing out on. I look, or half-look, then turn my head away because I'm afraid to see the reaction. Everything is made simpler and harder at the same time if I can't see the potentially disgusted look on their face.

The speakers are not functioning at this moment, so I'm sitting in this weird silence that I'm not really prepared for. I keep pressing the 'play' button, just in case... I could just go get the mp3 player, but it doesn't have the songs that I want to listen to right now. Funny that.

I started writing a story between that last paragraph and this, about someone who hasn't got a name yet and half a character. Hrmms.

This blog has definitely gone in a different direction.

I guess I just want to come out of invisibility a little. I want to make the world stop.
_______
*If you got the above No Doubt reference. Yay!

an excerpt

"if i'm a bad person, you don't like me - well i guess i'll make my own way.
it's a circle, a mean cycle, i can't excite you anymore
where's your gavel? your jury? what's my offense this time?
you're not a judge, but if you're gonna judge me, then sentence me to another life.

you treat me just like, another stranger...
it's nice to meet you, so, i best be on my way out...

ignorance is your new best friend.

this is the best thing that could've happened
any longer and i wouldn't have made it.
it's not a war, it's not a rapture,
i'm just a person and you can't take it."

***

This is just a few excerpts from the new Paramore single 'Ignorance'. I didn't like this song at first. There's a lot of speculation as to what the lyrics are about. And taking the most widely spread opinion - it kind of makes me uncomfortable to think it is about that certain relationship...only because it makes me kind of sad. But ...today and last night, my mind has been moving a million miles an hour. So many trains of thought, colliding haphazardly with each other, nothing really being directed to it's proper route or resolution.
But one of these trains...suddenly aligned itself with this song. And for some reason, having a song express how you feel seems to make you feel like you're not alone. Because some other person out there has been through it, it's not like uncharted territory. Reading through some old blogs from the writer in question, has kind of made this whole story click.

I talk about me and them and everyone else all the time. It's nice to try and find a place or a category, but also disheartening at the same time.

simple

Today I won and lost.
I pushed myself to the point of feeling overheated and pink and sweaty on my adventure.
I went to places I'd never been before by myself.
And searched,
always teetering,
on the brink of my heart skipping a beat when I'd think I'd be nearer to my goal.
I didn't find what I was looking for,
But I was reminded of being carefree. Of adventure. Of Carpe Diem and all that.
It was fun =]

embrace

Here is an embrace to:

being obsessed and "in love";
not being one of the skinny bitches;
trying to be at least the former;
being ignored;
being inspired;
colour and fabric and co-ordination in all ways possible;
creativity and the imagination;
getting something for nothing, or at least, not much;
getting something after hard work;
making vanilla slice with the vaguest, out of order recipe;
dead skin;
paranoia;
shiny cherry reds and electric sky blues;
extended metaphors and film;
bubblegum pop and brutal metal at once;
being straight up, yet fanciful;
having a head;
foreign exchange students;
the sense of smell;
nicknames;
sharing desserts;
anniversaries;
musical side projects and thoughtful covers;
asymmetry and symmetry;

quote hearts.

"You see, if I was a guy, and I was sitting here with a cigarette in my hand, grabbing my crotch and talking about how I make music because I love fast cars and fucking girls - you'd call me a rockstar. But when I do it in my music and in my videos, because I'm a female, because I make pop music, you're judgemental, and you say that it is distracting. I'm just a rockstar. " - Stefani Germanotta aka. Lady Gaga.

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction." - Chuck Palahniuk

Does the feeling of inadequacy keep you going or does it bring you down?
I think I feel the former until I really know it's pointless. Too optimistic at times.
In other news I'd like to vent a little frustration: Stop using me for these pointless games!! gah The suspense is killing me. Say it or don't. Stop messing around.

the question is, who really, is faye greener?

I feel very blessed at the moment. I feel like...God has allowed me to open myself up a little more and take chances. And I'm seeing the good and bad of these choices, but nonethless, it feels as though there is more good than bad. However, I am forever, at heart, the optimist.
I think last semester was really the first time I had to "travel alone" so to speak. Not in terms of physical travel, but in many different ways. I was forming my own path, and was for the most part alone in the decisions I had to make. When you travel alone, you learn a lot about yourself as an individual. What your strengths and flaws are. I am so appreciative of where I am at this moment. I love the fact that being at university makes me apart of this world I've dreamt about. Not of students, but of education! I'm getting taught by people who write books on the things I have to study. I'm getting taught by people who live in these worlds. I feel priveleged to learn about Australia from a convict descendant. To learn religion from someone who shaped my religious studies at school through their work. To learn from published journalists, writers, poets. I feel like I'm at the source of a pool of knowledge. I feel more willing and able. I feel inspired a lot lately. There is always the underlying darkness - the what ifs? the self doubt. the loss. But at the moment the light and dark are balanced.

sabbatical

Uni is going quite well, in the past few days I've returned =]. I'm making small movements and changes and I feel quite proud of myself, to accomplish such small things because I need to start small again. Whilst it feels like I'm still in Year 6 at the moment (getting to know myself increasingly well due to the fact that I have no one else to get to know), I realised that by the end of Year 6, I did make friends anyways. So in a way, I hope this is just history repeating itself. Once I started high school I had many friends, I had musical epiphanies and a new love for life. I became energised, and eventually coaxed myself into becoming a little more extroverted. I think maybe this theory is true because it makes sense for life to be cyclical. And seven is a very important number. The sabbath day - on the seventh day, God rested. He had built his wonders, and took a break. After years of work, people often take a sabbatical - a whole year of not working. This year has felt like my sabbatical for so long. I even wrote about it on paper which I rarely seem to do. I could never pinpoint why, but I believe now it's just to do with cycles. I felt my whole self withdrawing from the things I had built up in the years prior. My walls came down very quickly, and I soon patched them up, haphazardly, trying to remember how they had been arranged before..but it didn't work as well as a slow patchwork. I had no time to confer with maps or memories. And so I made rash decisions, that seemed to be based on ideas of quick, self preservation. There was no long term plan, so to speak. And in such a way, this isn't really a sabbatical - it wasn't planned, it was brought upon me. I feel like now I have a chance to pause and rebuild properly though. I'm very grateful for such a chance.

Hey guys

Hello!
I haven't updated in a while, eh?
Many things have happened since then! I have completed one semester of university, and am trying to pluck up the courage to go look at my results LOL.Its not going well obviously, because I haven't checked. Though I think that they'll come in the mail tomorrow anyways. I've been playing a lot of jazz guitar lately and listening to a lot of random stuff. Both the Paramore and AFI albums are coming out on the 29th of September, and I'm very excited for that! I'm also excited to start my new subjects and buy new books this semester =]. I've become a little more immersed in colour lately. There's a whole wide world of colour...why not utilise it? I've been working a lot and watching a lot of youtube.
If a cake was 50% cocoa, 50% flour, is that overkill?

circle. subconscious. consciousness. stream of.

I've been thinking about relationships and interactions. And the ones I've had in the past, and the ones I have now. I've been thinking of what decisions I should make. It's kind of fun and kind of not. I have exams that need to be aced. I have plans that need to be set into motion. And events to attend. Maybe the plans are already set in motion without me knowing ? To say twitter has decreased my extended writing skills would be a cliche now - and false. I want more than 140 characters all the time. I want to command attention for a good few hours.
I'm listening to those songs that make me feel full of youth. Ready-set-go right? I'm dealing with my perceptions of people's perceptions of me. It's a very confused circle...but it kind of makes me feel better if I believe my perceptions. That's something to keep, and believe in. It's very hard to be a person for everyone. Well, comparatively, not as hard as other things. I decided the other day that anon1. usually makes me feel as though I'm an idiot. and anon2. makes me feel alone at the moment. It's ok, you don't have to believe me.

!

I have come to somewhat of a medium or conclusion.

A while ago, I wrote about how I hated numbers and what they mean. So I tried to get rid of them in my life...
and it didn't work (obviously).

But lately...
I've been inspired to contemplate that I don't need to be in denial anymore.
I'd like to feel like my worth as a person is not invested in numerical forms.
It only really matters what kind of person I am to myself and to others. My integrity and self-worth should remain in tact if I choose to simply understand that the numbers are not for me, and they have never been a deciding factor.

People can judge all they want, but I want to be the person to smile right back and be their friend.

here's to hoping you'll keep me honest.

Been thinking of extending this blog (enterprise?) thing.

I feel really annoyed about stuff. Just rubbed the wrong way...feathers ruffled. That sort of thing. I need to let go of some stuff. It's just hard.

But yeah...
I've been thinking of making words speak louder.

I started uni 2 weeks ago...tomorrow will be the start of my 3rd week. It's very different. And challenging in a way I didn't expect it to be. Academically it's different, but manageable. Socially...I feel like I'm being swallowed whole (just dislocate your jaw...).
I didn't think I'd be one of those people who'd contemplate dropping out merely weeks into it, but it feels like a somewhat viable option at the moment. The drop out rate in first year is very high. I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just encapsulated by loneliness that's eating away at me because nothing will happen the way I want it to. This is a tree. Really. It is. Like...different paths and options, but somewhat intertwined. And the issues shouldn't just be taken on face value.

The logical part of me knows I'll stay, at least for now. I'll tough it out.

I'm going hunt-ing...

"I thought I could organise freedom" - 'Hunter' by Bjork

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" - Matthew 6:26

I wish I could organise my freedom. Put things away in pockets, and in time, in specified time, they'll grow and change in the exact way I wished that they would. Then I'd be free.
But I also understand how this is impossible. Things hardly ever go exactly the way in which you plan them. So I'll just tell them I have faith. I have no plans, but faith that I'll be directed to where I am supposed to be. I need to step out of this box. These pockets can't hold me anymore. But it's so hard to leave and take risks.

postsecret

I do not understand the picture one bit, but the words in this postsecret make so much sense to me.

I wish we could all understand this, when we're feeling useless.

don't ask me

I'm stroking the keys in this weird, circular, rhythmic way, almost as if urging them to tell me how I should word these next few sentences.

Stuck. Just stuck.
And it isn't really that I've got a great thing going (good yes, but not great.) There's always room for improvement after all.
I feel scared to venture into these depths I've never ventured into before. It is an age-old problem, I guess.

Which reminds me of something I read the other day...
I don't know how true this anecdote is, but it's brings up an interesting idea.

A test group of people were asked to write their birthday and time of birth on a sheet of paper and they would be provided with a ...I guess, psychic...or astrological reading of their lives to date. Once they received their readings, they were then asked to grade the accuracy, 5 being the most accurate and 1 the least. They all gave their readings 4's and 5's.

They were then asked to hand back their reading to the person behind them (the last person in the row was to hand it up front to the first person). As they read the other person's life reading, they all eventually came to the realisation that they were reading the same thing that had been given to them. All the readings were exactly the same for everyone.

This story makes me realise the connections between us all - all the living and breathing humans here. We all essentially live the same story, in different ways. But I think if you looked at life in 'themes' as you would deconstruct a novel or film (art of course, is an imitation of life...), you'd find that we all go through the same things. Happiness and sadness, being the most obvious....but despair and hurt and loss...fear. Love, rejection, anger... They range is complexities, but whatever name you want to give them, no one can escape these human 'themes'. They permeate all our existences.

While most of these blog posts are about that time every once in a while when I feel so disconnected from life and everyone in it - and that emptiness I feel when this happens - I don't think I've ever written about how very connected I feel at times.

We're all buzzing and thrumming with the emotions in this existence. It runs in all our veins.

A Question For The Masses

"When do you feel most like yourself?

I read that question today and had a mind implosion.
It was just...woah.
It made me really think.
When do I feel most like myself?
I'm not sure.

So maybe I can tell you when I don't feel like myself at all. That might narrow things down."

I wrote that in my blog on the 22nd of May last year and never published it. It began and never finished. I've got several of these segments that never get to breathe here. For some reason, I like bringing them out after a while, when they're not so relevant...

This will be my attempt to try and answer the question I posed myself over half a year ago.

I feel most like myself when I'm wearing pyjamas. They are the most comfortable clothing I own, and even when not sleeping, I try and spend as much time as I can wearing these articles of sleepwear. Maybe it's a reflection of how closed off I can become, but I really hate being seen by most people in my pyjamas. I think because they potentially misrepresent me. If the door bell rings and I'm the only one home and in my pyjamas, I will not answer it. I can't even quickly duck upstairs to change clothes because they'll see me through the glass. It will always appear as if I just woke up, or am too lazy to change into regular 'daywear'...

I feel most like myself when I am excited and focussed and determined to figure something out. When I think and have epiphanies, or when I research and make discoveries that seem oh-so very grand (to me).

I feel most like myself when I don't have any explaining to do. Or at least when there's no expectation for me to explain. The expectation looms over my head and trips me up. When there are no questions asked, I'm free to just exist.

I feel most like myself when I am trying to be kind. I don't feel that I have a malicious purpose here...I think that negative part of me just gets set off by injustices.

I feel most like myself when I'm listening to sounds that really make me happy, or sad or make me feel something strong. Music that makes me feel, for very unpretentious reasons.

When do you feel most like yourself?

Plans

In all seriousness, I feel the importance for me to get away for a while.
While often people want to escape from the people they know, the people who love them and the people they love and subsequently find themselves far away from all the important things to them - I don't feel like this is one of those escapes. I appreciate the here and now so much that I need to go away and better myself to feel worthy and happy here.
I won't be able to leave for a little while though. But when I'm gone, you'll know. And you'll know I'll be back too. I need to regain myself. Or develop some confidence through the unpredictable situations of consequence. Go explore and adventure and start again so I can come back and fully function the way I want to. I'm sick of halves - half existences. But right now, I'll just plan this exit. I don't know how other people can live amongst the same forever. I need a break from normality. I need difficulty and challenges and a way to prove to myself that I am alive. That all these things I hide can exist here. That I can speak and be heard. Or at least not be afraid to speak.

outline

I'm creating a person.
For now, they are imaginary. They'll probably remain imaginary, because I don't know how I'd bring them to life, and if I did, maybe I wouldn't like them anyways.
Talk is cheap, right?

Anyways...on paper, this is a rough outline of who they are.

They know nothing of music, but everything of musicals.
Enjoy eating handfuls of cereal they've never eaten before, sans milk, and of course, from the hand.
Likes to sit in the 'kukaloris' sunlight directly underneath venetian blinds, but only when very sunny.
Gets along with their family very well.
Vibrant disposition and general rainbow-like appearance in clothing colour.
When upset tends to breathe excessively.

To Anna

In response to your comment, yes I still sing.
I sang just a moment ago actually...
I wish I was better though.

(but art isn't worth it if you think you're amazing all the time is it? or at least it loses it's point(s) or essense...either way, something isn't right if I'm not being critical of myself to a point.)

Ever go through stages where sometimes, sonically you just feel, all off?

I found out this interesting thing the other day that I never much thought of....singing 'healthily'
does not always produce 'nice' sounds. That intrigued me because so often we want to hear 'nice' sounds...but maybe they're not always correct? Truth, lies and everything in between...I don't want to get started on this topic or it will drag on...>.<

Thank you for calling today. I knew it (or hoped) it was you when the phone rang...and it was fun discussing a 'text' with you...haha like in Extension...
*nostalgia*

was it a dream?

Reading back of the past few blogs, I realise I sound like a really sad person...
I guess because I usually feel the need to vent my feelings when I am in that state of mind, and when I'm in a more positive state, which is the majority of the time, I can more tangibly show my emotions in real life...

Another thing that seems to get covered up in here is my incessant 'lol'-ing I do in everywhere else, it seems, but here. Maybe that can also be attributed to the dark subject matter I seem to discuss...or more like allude to vaguely heh. >.<

I want to talk about something normal.
Like how I'm going to buy a new mobile phone...
and how I miss my friends.
How I really need to pay my fine at the library because there are so many books I want to read within the next two months at least... (I never knew there was a $15 lost book processing charge as well >.<)
How I'm determined to have more will power.
And how I shall develop a thick skin that deflects the terrible but allows the brilliant to penetrate.

Bye ...