sound

A period of upheaval...or perhaps just a period of stagnance.

I am so uninspired, yet bursting with emotion that I can't share with pretty much anyone.

To take a more narrative-like approach, I got my results yesterday. And...
And, I look at them and think "this is what my education has amounted to?" Actually, no, I never thought that until now, when I'm stuck in this contemplative mode, blogging. I look at them and feel nothing. So empty. Because of they way they hold so much negative meaning, and they in which they truly don't mean anything at all, you know.

What is a number?
I remember I tried to escape them, evict them from my existence about a month ago. It was an impossibly hard task, that subsequently failed. It wasn't even an eloquent failure. Nothing poetic about running away from something that most definitely cannot be run away from.

I really like this old song at the moment. It's called 'Moonlight in Vermont.' Now, that is poetic. Each verse is a carefully constructed haiku ...

Pennies in a stream
Falling leaves a sycamore
Moonlight in Vermont

Gentle finger waves
Ski trails down a mountain side
Snow light in Vermont

and it continues, in a certain elegance. I'd like to do that...not say much, but say everything in such purely beautiful imagery. But that's where the music enhances it. The way it's composed is so smooth. It's hard to not be hypnotised by the outcome.

However much I jabber on...it's all a symbol.

sighh.

When nothing else exists but me and these sounds.
They make me feel safe when I really feel so desolate.

I will be okay.

I keep telling myself that. And I do believe it.

Ouch

I want to do a lot of things.
A whole, elaborate string of ideas that come to fruition.
They'll be good stories to tell...

Oh

I believe...
That I will try and find a new way to make sounds that throw invigoration. New ways that mean something, not just new ways for the sake of new ways. Like when you eat chips all your life, and suddenly you try some really nicely seasoned, flaky, soft in the middle chips that totally win over all the chips you've ever eaten. In the end, they're still chips, but so so so much better.
It shall embody whatever I need it to.
Portable, and accessible. It will work. I just need to keep thinking.

A year later

Almost a year later, I'm editing the setlist....kinda weird, but nonethless, for the sake of continuity (I'd do this in a private diary if I knew how to use a pen)

The setlist as I can remember it :
Astronaut
Ampersand
New song (don't know name) Strength Through Music
Coin Operated Boy
Princess?
Bad Habit
(somewhere around here...)
Mrs O
Blake Says
Ugh-merica (by Regina Spektor)
A Justin Webley song
Half Jack


Encore
Umbrella (by Rihanna)
Creep (by Radiohead)
Hallelujah (by Leonard Cohen)

still life.

Last night I had a dream...

And I woke up in tears, because I hated seeing her tears. It's always dreams about her upset that makes me upset.
It was all a product of what was said yesterday. Too many memories being brought into the forefront of my brain, that they ended up permeated in my subconscious, while the complexities underneath the surface were elucidated in my dream.

The grave was just a square. I have a no idea why. They're supposed to be rectangles. Squares are even though - the same four-sided figures. Is this the closest I get to full-circle, because things are definitely not full circle. Maybe all sides are even now, but all the issues have certainly not been changed and fixed enough to form a perfect circle with no apexes to bump upon.
It all just reminded me all the pain she would feel. All the pain many people feel, long after. And then there was another her. And she didn't do much in the dream, but spark my brain when I woke up.

I wish I could have seen what they had seen. Or had more time to see than me.
I do remember those times of happiness though. I remember him wearing the hat. I remember the cigarettes and I remember being young and getting pizza every Sunday there...where we'd eat with my uncle, because he is only 9 years older than my sister, and thus, 19 years older than me. But this was ages ago.

It makes me sad that most of my life I spent only knowing the worst, the years nearing the end.
I really liked hearing their stories. Their stories make me jealous of what I missed out on - but truly bring me closer into this understanding. A calm reverie.
I've never had such perspectives before, because like I said - for most of my life, I'd only seen the struggle. But now I know - I realise how much I look up to him, and hope I can be like that. Fearless. I don't want to follow the rules. I want to be ahead of my time.

Now that I'm at a pivotal moment in my life, I realise how very much I value these ideals, and how very much they're hard to live up to. Sometimes I stop and think "what the hell is going on?" Sometimes I can't figure it out.
But I think I'll just keep doing what I feel I've been doing for the most part- just following that gut instinctual feeling. Once I start to think too much, I start to become unable to make decisions.

Water Imagery

Monsoon
1000 Oceans.

Something you can't shake I guess?
So much cold and water imagery present.

Cleansing.
Are you guilty?
It feels like you're permanently lost, only to be directed by the sheer power of water.
Does it make you feel like anything can happen?

I feel the same in the way I need to run away too.

I just don't take such a current I suppose.

>.<

aksdjfha;dvba;odifgha

so so so so so alone here.

I feel so very silly right now.
Like I've made a mistake, but I know it's not a mistake.

Stop making me feel so gross.

(whyyy did you mess with forever??
or a little
wai did u mess wit fo-evaa. ?)

A truth

Rant of sorts I suppose.
I don't know.
I'm a mess and the best at the same time. I don't know how to deal with anything going on right now.
I can't talk to anyone because I know exactly what they'll say, and this is something I just cannot fix.
I can't fix myself; I can't fix the way I am. Well, I guess sometimes you can, but this time, I've just got to stick through this, type at super speed and get anything I can out of my head, onto the screen, onto something tangible.
I feel so alone.
Such a failure. So lost and so dizzy. I know, and then I don't. Life isn't meant to be simple - and this is simple, if you think about it in relative terms. There is a black and white if you want there to be - and there's always the shades of grey if you want there to be too.
I want to fast forward and rewind all at once. Just escape.
Escape escape.
Scratch at the this wall, bring it down. Hands and nails and aggression. Watch it crumble before me - dust dissipating and floating away. And then there'll be peace.
I don't want pity, I don't want 'I told you so.' I don't want to talk to you or anyone else for that matter.
I hate the way I build things up.
I hate the way I know so much yet so little.
I hate the way I feel sick right now. Sick at these thoughts. Sick at my attempts to think positively. Sick to watch everyone else.

In the end, I will be fine. In the end I shall find reasons to be positive. I will find distractions. I will find.
But not now.
Now is a time for death and deliberance. For obsessing and dying a little inside.

Woah

Maybe we all secretly desire 'crazy.'

We're all like "no, no...don't do the drugs, don't go over the top, into excesses," but we all loved those eyes that opened so brightly.

Now we've got 'spirit fingers.'
It's interesting to watch...
I still can't form a proper opinion other than "it's different, but the same."

Modern-Day Sign From God

I keep getting these emails from this person called "Become an Educator" and the subject is always "Get a Great Job With A Teaching Degree."

I've gotten at least 20 of these in one day. And whilst I AM the one that has >1000 unopened emails in my inbox...just because I rarely delete junk mail, doesn't mean I want to be inundated with it. I like a slow, steady progressive increase - not a freaking monsoon. (Hah. monsoon, get it? probably not...)

So the question is this - these emails keep staring me in the face at a time when my future is up in the air. Is this a modern-day sign from God? Has He given up on symbolism, and just gone straight to the point...the very source of our screwed up interactions - email. Well, no, not the source...but I guess, it's less aggravating getting a 20 emails, than say getting 20 letters (and more environmentally friendly, I must add), or getting 20 calls from a telemarketer (who probably wouldn't even get their message across once my "sorry, not interested" cuts them down...actually...sometimes I just hang up. This is not very good etiquette, but I just don't want to waste theirs or my time...).

It's nice to know no-one cares sometimes.
It'd oddly comforting =].

Study break contemplation

It was all about living vicariously through songs that made them feel as if they were living a life more glamorous than they really were.

So the new album was an interesting career move right there.
Folk rock really could've been the new 'scene'. They've positioned it in such a way, that really, it still could be. But it was so out of the blue; so out of context. Wait, no. I take it back. This is their 'grown up' album, right?

Life imitating art I suppose?
They just need to go back in time for this one...
"It's not so pleasant, and it's not so conventional"

But what about all the oh-so glamorous ones?
They sure as hell aren't removing the tiara for the hemp head band !

la la love <3

Oh.
Isn't it quaint?
To hear about the boy so totally obsessed and utterly in love with the girl of his dreams. The girl of his life. The LOVE so strong, so passionate, so unfailing, so determined. And they speak as if caressing and caress as if kissing and kiss as if...
And their heads are spinning.
And their future is dreamed and planned on clouds and blood promises. Pricked fingers pressing together for an eternity.
And the same for the girl. The girl - unrelenting, forever loving.

So many WORDS.
And so many times...
these words get broken down by one simple thing.
Well, maybe not a simple thing. There are complexities to mistakes...but really...a love for eternity broken by a mistake?

Suddenly "I love you's" turn into "I hate you."

And their words...bodies...and lives disconnect.
Just like that.
End.

Maybe they'll be friends, you know?
Maybe they'll regret the time they spent?
Maybe they won't.

The lesson? I don't know.
Don't 'deep' into it?
I have no idea.

I just throw myself.
into whatever...anything.
Throw and collide and twirl and rejoice and fall.
Maybe, maybe...

Just like a memory it twists meeee.

Life seems to be looking somewhat in an upwards direction.
Though I cannot sleep...and not for reasons that I usually cannot sleep.

The irony: When I do assessments last minute/last night/morning of/walking to the assessment class etc. I lose much sleep, simply because I'm still active at that time of night, busily buzzing around, praying the computer won't crash and holding in my pee.
But...
I finally get the motivation to start my assessments early (never in my life has this occurred)...and I cannot go to sleep anyways, simply because my brain stays awake and won't rest. Worry. Ideas. I wish they'd happen at different times of day...

"But before I move on, I don't want to give the wrong impression here; my mathematical skills are barely-there, probably on an extended holiday? I figure rivalry with a calculator can get you killed..." - Myself

Sorry, you've been disconnected.

This recurring feeling of disconnection from my own existence plagues me every so often.

I don't know how to describe it.

=/

And everything in existence keeps pushing forward, but I don't. I'm just stagnant and losing it.

In other news...I don't think my vocals have ever sounded this good. It's psyching me out...I hope it doesn't go away...
I heard myself recorded...just spur of the moment, and I realised I did actually hit all the notes, and I didn't sound that much annoying to myself. This was miraculous. My biggest fears are pitching and tonality. They scare me. But I'm sounding okay lately, it seems...