changes in life (part II)

For the past month I have remained silent on a few issues I've been happening, mainly because I did not correlate the relationship between them, or understand them very well at all.

As I wrote about before, I was in a car accident a little over a month ago that really seemed to shake me more than I am comfortable with. I am naturally apprehensive about heavy, moving machinery, and so having my worst fear manifest itself in my life affected me more than I could ever assume that it could.

Around that period of time, there was so much stuff happening. I had a lot of uni work and a lot of stress and a lot of really mixed emotions. I remember feeling so stressed I felt sick from eating food that usually calmed me down. I was really lacking focus after I was in the accident, and when time passed and I was gaining a little more focus again, I am feeling as though this important period in my life happened and I was totally messed up. Ever since I've been running ragged, falling behind on work, handing things late and trying to put a smile on my face and pretend to everyone else that everything's fine. I feel like if I am honest like I am being now to people, that they will just think I'm talking shit. Like the accident happened ages ago, why the fuck am I still talking about it. But I'm no longer so focussed on the psychological ramifications as I am the physical as well. A few days ago, I was talking to an acquaintance. We went to school together, and we weren't really close friends at school, but for some reason we have really good MSN conversations that seem to last into the early hours of the morning at least once a month or so. This person seemed to ask the right questions and I stopped feeling so ashamed of myself. I had been blaming myself so much over the past month, that this wasn't good enough, but I hadn't stopped to consider how I really felt. I was lying to myself as much as I was lying to everyone else.

Nonethless, it seems my diligant work has come undone, and my hormones cannot be reigned anymore. I dedicate so much thought, time, money and effort into creating some sort of homeostatic environment for my fucked up skin. For the past year it's been much better, still flawed, but generally I was happy with it. And now it seems I've taken a few steps back. My stress has wreaked havoc on face and I've broken out with acne again. I don't deserve this. I don't think I do at least. I'm not the person that says "why me?" but I'm just really annoyed right now. My face is my face - this is how the world sees me. So not only is my essay ridiculously late, but I look fugly. I need to study for my stupid exams, and I really hope I can catch up on all this shit I just wasn't mentally "there" for.

changes in life.

I've been having some really interesting mental conversations with myself lately. I still haven't found my final answers (but I guess they never really become final?), but I find myself having changing ideas, just in regards to love, in regards to sexuality and all that kind of stuff.

I was just thinking about how in high school I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend, and I'd been directly told this by my parents maybe a couple times, and indirectly hinted at. When I think back to those conversations, I just remember being really blank. Like, for some reason, I would feel more embarrassed now having that discussion with my parents, talking about boyfriends and stuff. I realised that I'm actually quite terrified to have to come out and tell them if I was in a relationship, because now I have a different perspective of what a boyfriend would be. When I was in high school...I think I just wanted a boyfriend for the sake of it. Now I'm 19 - I am an adult? - it just carries so many other implications. I wish I could have had my stupid kind of love and told that to my parents first. And yeah, if I had a boyfriend now...I'd like to think that I would only get into serious relationships, long term type of things, because that's what I want, that's what I've always wanted, a relationship with security...but yes, if I had a boyfriend now...this person becomes so implicated in your life, in my head it feels so personal, almost too personal to share with my family just because they've never seen that side to me before. They've never witnessed me bring in someone of the opposite sex so close. It's not a normal part of my life, to have a boyfriend. My perspectives are evolving and I haven't even been in a relationship yet, which is bizarre. Likely, they will evolve even further if/when I get involved in one. But yeah, are you afraid of telling your family/friends when you begin a relationship? I think I have a further pressure in this situation because my parents actually do not want to know about it unless it's serious/long term thing.Which I wouldn't want to tell them about if it wasn't anyways. But idk, I would feel so terrible if I went out with someone for so long and then broke up with them. Like I've wasted time, wasted my families time. I know it's not so - every experience is a worthwhile one in some way, but at the same time I do not feel like what I'm looking for in a relationship is so readily available to me. I think it's very likely I'll become a cat lady.