changes in life (part II)

For the past month I have remained silent on a few issues I've been happening, mainly because I did not correlate the relationship between them, or understand them very well at all.

As I wrote about before, I was in a car accident a little over a month ago that really seemed to shake me more than I am comfortable with. I am naturally apprehensive about heavy, moving machinery, and so having my worst fear manifest itself in my life affected me more than I could ever assume that it could.

Around that period of time, there was so much stuff happening. I had a lot of uni work and a lot of stress and a lot of really mixed emotions. I remember feeling so stressed I felt sick from eating food that usually calmed me down. I was really lacking focus after I was in the accident, and when time passed and I was gaining a little more focus again, I am feeling as though this important period in my life happened and I was totally messed up. Ever since I've been running ragged, falling behind on work, handing things late and trying to put a smile on my face and pretend to everyone else that everything's fine. I feel like if I am honest like I am being now to people, that they will just think I'm talking shit. Like the accident happened ages ago, why the fuck am I still talking about it. But I'm no longer so focussed on the psychological ramifications as I am the physical as well. A few days ago, I was talking to an acquaintance. We went to school together, and we weren't really close friends at school, but for some reason we have really good MSN conversations that seem to last into the early hours of the morning at least once a month or so. This person seemed to ask the right questions and I stopped feeling so ashamed of myself. I had been blaming myself so much over the past month, that this wasn't good enough, but I hadn't stopped to consider how I really felt. I was lying to myself as much as I was lying to everyone else.

Nonethless, it seems my diligant work has come undone, and my hormones cannot be reigned anymore. I dedicate so much thought, time, money and effort into creating some sort of homeostatic environment for my fucked up skin. For the past year it's been much better, still flawed, but generally I was happy with it. And now it seems I've taken a few steps back. My stress has wreaked havoc on face and I've broken out with acne again. I don't deserve this. I don't think I do at least. I'm not the person that says "why me?" but I'm just really annoyed right now. My face is my face - this is how the world sees me. So not only is my essay ridiculously late, but I look fugly. I need to study for my stupid exams, and I really hope I can catch up on all this shit I just wasn't mentally "there" for.