changes in life.

I've been having some really interesting mental conversations with myself lately. I still haven't found my final answers (but I guess they never really become final?), but I find myself having changing ideas, just in regards to love, in regards to sexuality and all that kind of stuff.

I was just thinking about how in high school I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend, and I'd been directly told this by my parents maybe a couple times, and indirectly hinted at. When I think back to those conversations, I just remember being really blank. Like, for some reason, I would feel more embarrassed now having that discussion with my parents, talking about boyfriends and stuff. I realised that I'm actually quite terrified to have to come out and tell them if I was in a relationship, because now I have a different perspective of what a boyfriend would be. When I was in high school...I think I just wanted a boyfriend for the sake of it. Now I'm 19 - I am an adult? - it just carries so many other implications. I wish I could have had my stupid kind of love and told that to my parents first. And yeah, if I had a boyfriend now...I'd like to think that I would only get into serious relationships, long term type of things, because that's what I want, that's what I've always wanted, a relationship with security...but yes, if I had a boyfriend now...this person becomes so implicated in your life, in my head it feels so personal, almost too personal to share with my family just because they've never seen that side to me before. They've never witnessed me bring in someone of the opposite sex so close. It's not a normal part of my life, to have a boyfriend. My perspectives are evolving and I haven't even been in a relationship yet, which is bizarre. Likely, they will evolve even further if/when I get involved in one. But yeah, are you afraid of telling your family/friends when you begin a relationship? I think I have a further pressure in this situation because my parents actually do not want to know about it unless it's serious/long term thing.Which I wouldn't want to tell them about if it wasn't anyways. But idk, I would feel so terrible if I went out with someone for so long and then broke up with them. Like I've wasted time, wasted my families time. I know it's not so - every experience is a worthwhile one in some way, but at the same time I do not feel like what I'm looking for in a relationship is so readily available to me. I think it's very likely I'll become a cat lady.