My Weekend.

My Weekend.
In Point Form
By H.

1. Guitar lessons. Oh, guitar lessons. I was so ill-prepared...I almost didn't want to go. I have just been lacking so much motivation these past few weeks. But nontheless, I pulled through. He said I'm definitely improving. I'm so glad :-). He gave me "Why Georgia" by John Mayer. I'm very excited to start. He told me I should jam with people more. It will apparently make me a better musician. jam with lot's of people he said...people who are worse than me, at the same level as me, and better than me; I can learn from everyone.

2. I keep crying. Tears keep escaping my right eye (and then my left follows (what a conformist :P)) and I can't get this stupid thing (whatever it is) out of my eye. It just HURTS. I want it to go away. This morning I looked in the mirror, and now my eyelid is all swollen. I look asymmetrical. I went to the chemist and he looked at my eye, and apparently it's not infected (for now), but if it does get infected, I should come back. He gave me some eyedrops. My aunt put some into my eye for me...but it doesn't seem to be doing anything.

3. Wedding yesterday. Dude, sitting at a table of girls who don't eat much is HARD. I had to force myself to be like "hey, can you pass that tray over...I want more prawns" while most of them sit in under-eating torment. Mara wasn't there...so I didn't dance much. I did Kolo...but EVERYONE does Kolo...and I danced with my mum at the end.

4. My sister had a car accident this morning. She spent the night here, and left today and she didn't get very far before she hit a parked car. Oh well. Luckily no one got hurt...her car just had to get towed. It was weird...when she called. In my head, when I see people, I'm constantly praying for them. I think "Please Lord, make sure they make it home safe," or "Please Lord, look after them through this rough time," when I'm talking to them or looking at them...but I never even THOUGHT my sister would be in any trouble today. Why didn't I think that? When I pray for people's long health, I have this sinking feeling in the back of my mind that they'll die the next day...but when something does happen that is bad...I don't even think of it.

5. I have to go to freaking work and they're going to be all "where were you yesterday, you were rostered on!?" Well, hello...I told you a few days ago I couldn't work today...why do you have to call my home and make my mum explain why I'm not there. Gahhh.

6. My mum got kinda annoyed at me for my eye problem because she had to do all this driving around which was preventing her from taking my relatives from interstate to the wedding after-party...and it made me feel guilty. Gahh, I hate being in people's way. I don't want to cause issues.

7. I pretended to be a teacher yesterday, and controlled a Croatian Year 2 Saturday school class for 2 hours yesterday and taught them CROATIAN. Colours and Numbers were the topics that we did activities for. I can't believe I made it through. I got to write on the board...and take a roll...and help them when they didn't understand. We said prayer together...and did activities...gahhh. I can't believe it.

The End.

I've been listening to "Seize the Day" all day today.

Today I worked for a long time.
Well...
5 hours.
But it felt like a long time...and I had to do an extra 20 minutes at the end to help pack away the cigarettes.

And while I was at my register...my ear started hurting.

And normally...you'd think "Ow, no! A freaking earache!?"
But no.
I was thinking "Yes! Does this mean I don't have to go to school tomorrow?"

Which brings me onto my main point in this confusing mess...I just don't want to go to school tomorrow.

This public holiday brought me so much comfort...a reminder of what school holidays felt like. I've never in my life missed school holidays *that* much. But I really, REALLY, don't want to go to school for a while.

It's too much. I can't take it.
I want it to disappear for a while, so I can sleep and have weird dreams and not have to worry and fret over things that I pretend not to worry about.
That's double the effort right there. There's the whole worrying part, then the whole, trying to cover it up part.

Save me, please?
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They played "Your Body Is A Wonderland" today on the supermarket radio thingy :-).

I'm sure John Mayer didn't purposely set out to write pleasant songs for shoppers to listen to and not be frightened by, but fortunately for me, his songs get played quite often.

It's a comforting feeling.

It's a part of home life.

Unlike that damn "Sarah" song. And I'm not talking about the song by Eskimo Joe...it's this song that says the name "Sarah" WAY too many times for it to be taken seriously. The funny thing about the situation...is that one day I was in the bathroom at Westfields when I first heard that song, and was first quite annoyed with it. But then, to top it all off...later that day when I was working...the "Sarah" song appeared AGAIN. Just my luck.

I find it odd that once you find out about a song...it seems to haunt you.

Maybe it always haunted you, but you just never noticed? I don't know.

But like I told Emily already..."Road Trippin'" is now haunting me ever since she showed me the song.

On the topic of shopping background music...the other day I walked into a clothes store...I can't remember exactly which one it was, but the music was loud, and not really "background". But hey, I'm not complaining, I'd rather they bring the music out from the background, and into the foreground.

But this particular shop...

Gahh...

I was scared.

That music was intimidating. And scary.

Which is weird...because it wasn't anything sterotypically considered 'scary' ie. shock rock Marilyn Manson or death metal etc. That I can handle and sometimes appreciate...but it was just....

this electronic,
ostinato
of fear.

I wanted to run out and cry.

But then I just thought to myself, "How the hell do they expect to sell clothes with this overpowering the ears of everyone?"

----------

Anyways, I need to go and sleep. Goodnight
<3Helena

The colours have built up in my mind/They're bleeding through my heart.

This blog scares me.

I am frightened by that first sentence I just plucked out of my cluttered head, and, predictably, will probably be frightened of every sentence to follow.

Every...painstaking word, is taking more and more out of me. And I shouldn't even be writing this.

That sentence sucked. And so did this one, and the one before it. It doesn't matter though.

It usually doesn't matter THIS much.

I usually shut myself up. Stop thinking so intricately, and stop analysing. I stop having ISSUES and simply write. I don't have to make decisions then.

But the funny (or not-so funny) part is, I'd rather it be me.

There's a certain control within having no control of yourself.

That sentence seems very contradicting, but I can explain it.

When it's no-one but me, fretting over what I'm doing and how I'm saying things, I am infinitely in control. When everyone else claims to know me, I start to lose that control. I start thinking "hey, this is so predictable, I bet they can tell right?"

I don't want to be a pattern. I don't want to have a key. I'd rather fall down and dust myself off and say "hey, you wanna go get ice-cream" like we've NEVER done it before. But I don't want to be so illogical that it becomes logical.

But right now, I am in control. Of myself, of my mind.

Don't try and take that away from me, because I'll probably crawl into a hole and die.

----------
The End.
---
The Beginning.
----------
"Now the war is over,
Mussolini's dead,
He wanted to go to Heaven with a crown upon his head.
The Lord said "No!"
You've got to stay below,
All dressed up,
With no where to go."

I found out what (by popular belief) it means.
It seems so out of place at the end of the song, but now it makes perfect sense.

The second character in the song (the 'you' character), the person the first character is directing all the stabs at...is compared to that of Mussolini, a fascist dictator. A lot of people think this song is based around a relationship turned sour, with the first character claiming that she's okay now they're not together, she's having a FANTASTIC time without him there, and would love to rub it in and in that way...the 'Mussolini' character, has gotten his comeuppance. He used to think he was "all that" ie. with the crown upon his head, but in the end...he sucks, and must stay in Hell.

<3Helena

I'll be your best kept secret, and your biggest mistake.

Music is forever a driving factor in my life.

I think, that if it wasn't there, I would probably die a sad and lonely person. But then I think, that if I hadn't discovered the wonders of it, I'd have no regret, and would probably find something else to be fulfilled with.

But that's the thing, I'd have to be a COMPLETELY different person.

It's a funny thing, music is. Most of the time, I love it. It's something to connect to, something that shares an emotion, something that might say something funny or profound. Sounds, notes, words...they all the have these infinite powers, and how they are interpreted are all up to the listener. Sometimes it makes me upset though. Not even just through the emotional aspect of a sad song, but just because it's there. Just because it *is* that driving force in my life.

Just because it's a mountain I'm trying to climb, but I'm never satisfied with how far I've gotten. It highlights how upset I am with myself, in other aspects of my life. It tears open the wounds, and reveals the flesh and blood and just leaves you there stranded. This one thing...this thing you counted on, as something that would be there forever...it makes you rethink your real achievement and says you're not good enough. Those are the times that make me hate it.

But it's not music's fault. It's not, whatever 'it' is. Music is an entity which embodies other things. In comes in different forms, and some of them I simply cannot handle sometimes. It's when you get the people, involved in the music, that's when it often starts to suck, but more often then not, it does enrich the cause. Seriously, it does.

I seem to be all doom and gloom, but without the people, there'd be nothing to show for it. There'd be notes never discovered, and never written down. Never performed as an art, never revered. I love the passion in it. I love the creativity. I hate it when I can't have some of it too.

I'm annoyed at the mentality sometimes, that what is old is fantastic (and what is new is crap or vice versa, old=crap, new=good). I mean, in a way, I understand it completely. Antiques, are worth a lot of money, because they are relics of the past, they are a part of a time gone, a history. But with music, I just want people to like music for what it is, not for what people say it is. When people give me the excuse "but it's a classic" that doesn't tell me much at all. In any artform, not even just music. It tells me it's an old song/movie/piece/artwork etc. but doesn't tell me anything about it's merits. People seem to like things just because other people said it was cool. It became a 'classic' because someone found something in it that was awesome, and spread the word, which other people agreed with. But when you start telling me you like things simply for it's popularity, don't you think you've become just as bad as the people drinking in the consumerist arts of the now? Great lovers of these 'classics' often sneer down their noses of people who enjoy new contributions to their art of choice, but in the end, it just doesn't make sense to me.

I am not saying, what's old and classic is bad, nor am I saying what is new and faddish is bad either. I just wish time were not so segregated. I'll use a Studies Of Religion word, "metatemporal". I want the past, the future, the now, to combine as one in the arts, so that people aren't casting off things due to the opinions of others. I just want people to use their senses. See. Hear. Touch. Taste. Smell. Don't walk around completely blind to what is in front of you.

Experience and form an opinion.

I can't seem to find the right words to say what I feel right now. It's all a jumble. I just want things to be fair.
Yeah, in the end, that's all what I want.
Equality. Fairness. Free-thinking.
Never give in to what other people tell you, you should believe. Think about it before agreeing or disagreeing, because it's just as rude to let someone down without proper reasoning.

"So much sacred in the month of April too"

Last night.
I saw.
John.
Clayton.
Mayer.

My idol, love of my life, the guy I've been waiting 4 YEARS TO SEE.

And I saw him.

And in all honesty, he played brilliantly.
I realised last night, that the album versions of his songs are like bases. They provide the general outline, but when JM get's to being creative, he changes them up in all these awesome ways.

His crowd banter was fantastic and witty as usual. I was almost scared he'd get onstage, tired of doing this tour (Sydney was the last stop on his Australia tour) and do it halfheartedly, but you could most definitely tell his soul was in it.

The best solo of the night was during 'Gravity'. It seems like such a tame song on the album, but the way he played it last night...began similar enough, and ended HUGE, with a long solo filled with bluesy riffs and even some shredding.

The songs I wanted him to play were:
No Such Thing x
Heart Of Life x
Stop This Train x
Your Body Is A Wonderland
Comfortable
Home Life
Why Georgia x

(The x's next to the songs mean those are the ones he actually played off my list.)
So I was very content with the set list. I loved the fact that he didn't just stick to 'Continuum' but he spanned all his years, going from the Inside Wants Out EP, to Room For Squares, to Heavier Things, to Try! (by the John Mayer Trio) and then Continuum as well (obviously, he didn't play his songs chronologically in order of year ^o^.)

I was really happy with the familiarity I saw.
I didn't want to go to a John Mayer concert, and feel really out of tune with him and the audience he now has. But you know what, in the end, John was still the funny guy, who bonded with the audience, did his 'honky-tonk' dance with his leg, and did those random, breathy "i-quickly-move-back-from-the-microphone-to-create-the-effect-of-distance" 'Yeahs'...just like I've always known, even before I got to see him live last night.

I love it when he changed the lyrics. Hence the title of this blog. The original line is "so much sacred in the month of June". Is it lame of me to feel special because April is the month I'm born...so John isn't leaving me out of his whole "this is sacred" deal. He probably changes the lyric every month...to show that all the months are sacred ^o^.

Ahh, there was this point near the beginning of the show, where he was in between songs and talking to the audience. And he was basically describing how, in the last song "No Such Thing", like just before he began, he saw this kid in an orange t-shirt up front, and just thought "that's a complete love of music". So he thought about it in the song, when a little break would be, so he could throw a guitar pick for this kid in the orange shirt, and so he threw it, and it landed somewhere else, and this other man got it. Anyways, at the end of this speech, John then stepped down from the stage, and onto some amps and personally gave this kid a pick.

How I wished that I was that kid right there. ^o^.

Nonetheless...I bought John Mayer guitar picks, and my sister bought me a John Mayer hat, so I'm all excited. I feel. I just feel. Like. Concerts make me feel better. They re-inforce the belief in me that everything will be okay. That everything will be fine. That I just need to go to school and work, and come home and fall into music. Just fall into John Mayer and other music that makes me feel okay for a 3 minute song, or a 50 minute album.

It inspires.

"If you're reading this with an instrument in your lap - get to work, and deep in it. We all need you." - John Mayer

One Hundred Things About Me.

I've seen this done on blogs before. They're usually pretty entertaining (at least to me). So I thought I'd give it a go, something a little more joyous and insightful than my last post ^o^.

100. I was named after a 1970's-early 1990's Australian children's television show presenter.

99. If my mum didn't give me this name, I would have been either a Melissa or Michelle.

98. I've had my mobile phone for 3-4 years. It is not a colour phone, and doesn't have any nifty camera actions. I call it 'vintage'.

97. I am immediately attracted to people of the Aries star sign. I often feel a connection to them and automatically want to know more about them or be their friend.

96. Music is my life. I have an obsession with sounds.

95. I have one sister and two brothers. I am the third, and generally...middle child.

94. I don't think I got middle child syndrome, however. Being the middle child has it's perks.

93. The first John Mayer songs that got me instantly hooked on him in 2003, were 'Your Body Is A Wonderland' and 'Comfortable'.

92. Nomatter how many memories I forget, I remember that one as clear as day. My sister was having a shower and I was pressing the speakers to my ears and smiling in delight, because I had found such awesomeness.

91. I don't have a best friend. I have close friends.

90. I have myopia in my eyes and therefore need glasses to see distances clearly.

89. I am terrible with streets and street names. Half the time, I don't know where I am.

88. I am very protective of myself and will not easily let you in.

87. I like laughing and making jokes (even lame ones).

86. I laugh at my own jokes more than other people laugh at them.

85. In the A7X video for 'Bat Country', Synyster's solo moves=making love to his guitar. Do you know how long I've been waiting to tell someone that?

84. I don't get very sick very often.

83. I used to suffer from an anxiety disorder, now I just deal with it.

82. I'm really good at ignoring things/people.

81. When I grow up I want to be a rockstar.

80. I'm Catholic and quite religious.

79. I'm intrigued by the dead and the spirit world and spend time researching and trying to find paranormal activity.

78. I love to cook.

77. I pick/bite/cut off the dead skin around my nails and on my fingertip calluses (from playing guitar.)

76. I bite at my nails, but never bite them off.

75. I don't like playing music for my family.

74. I am a check-out chick, so how are you today and would you like this in a bag?

73. I have no middle name.

72. I live inside my head and dream too much.

71. I write.

70. If all else fails, I want to be a journalist. If that fails. I'll figure something else out...which brings me onto my next point...

69. "Which number am I think of?" "69!!!"--> I enjoy 80's and 90's movies like Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, The Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink, Wayne's World 1 and 2 and Sixteen Candles.

68. A lot of people I know or casually meet love the movie "The Nightmare Before Christmas." I've never seen it, but know more about this movie than any other movie I have not seen due to all these people and plain curiosity.

67. I only like manipulating sounds and words (and play-doh). People hate you if you manipulate them, so I don't.

66. I generally can't choose favourites. So I make fake favourites of things that I like a lot, just to make people happy. Pink is my 'favourite' colour, and 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' is my 'favourite' movie.

65. I get easily obsessed.

64. These obsessions have their moments and fade. Then come back again.

63. I used to wonder how teachers with lolly jars never used to eat all the lollies inside. Such self-control.

62. I was born with a Hernia and had to have an operation when I was 11 days old.

61. I love scars. They always have the best stories. I can tell you a story for just about all of scars on my body.

60. One of these scars came from when I was 5. I accidentally spilled boiling water onto my left thigh and burnt it.

59. I cringe when I hear crappy imitations of accents.

58. I sometimes get up at weddings with my cousin onto an empty dance floor and dance like an idiot while people watch in an attempt to make more people come and dance.

57. Dictionaries distract me. I go to one to look up one word...then end up dwelling upon other pages because I see new and interesting words I want to know. Wikipedia has the same effect on me.

56. I used to read Encyclopaedia's a lot. I like general knowledge.

55. I don't like doing Bob Tasman's singing exercises not because they're bad, but because they remind me of my old keyboard teacher.

54. I believe I'm going to get cancer.

53. I will never get a tattoo.

52. I have trouble watching TV, not because there's not anything good on (that's the problem), it's that I can't make a decision on only watching ONE thing.

51. I enjoy watching infomercials. They suck me in. Gahh, if only I had a credit card...I'd be a hairagami wearing, 60's music collection listening, magic bullet using person... in debt.

50. I love thinking about intricacies of life and analysing other people.

49. Sometimes I get lost in thought so much that I don't believe I exist anymore. It's really scary when I do that. The only way I bring myself back is by reminding myself who I am.

48. I don't like watching Dora The Explorer. At all.

47. I love clothes but I don't love fashion.

46. I don't know how to whistle.

45. I've never had a boyfriend.

44. I don't like eating raw tomatoes, anchovies, pink Extra gum, coffee, tea, alcohol, Yakult and most beans. The only thing I get made to eat is the beans. (And the Yakult when I'm sick).

43. I press really hard when I write and colour in in pencil. I dislike writing lightly or with light coloured pens.

42. I sing in two choirs.

41. I have incorrect pen grip, and like it that way.

40. Google holds the answer to most of my problems.

39. I like reading the back of shampoo bottles, make-up, toilet roll bags, instructions etc.

38. I just like reading in general. Fiction is an escape, and I remember things better when they have been written down. I'm not good with the whole verbal communication only thing.

37. I like extremes a lot.

36. I am a contradiction.

35. I don't want to get older.

34. I believe in Girl Power!

33. I like cats.

32. My teeth are not perfectly straight.

31. When I buy clothing I don't think about how I'm going to look in it a lot of the time. If it makes me happy enough...

30. People intimidate me a lot.

29. I pretend like I'm not scared/intimidated. It get's me through many situations.

28. Sometimes I like to dwell, and sometimes I like to laugh things off.

27. I love getting and making mix CD's.

26. I hate mediocrity.

25. I often talk to people after accidental suicide attempts. I don't know if I've gotten any better at it.

24. Can you tell I like pretending to be a counsellor/psychologist?

23. I want to design and make my own clothes.

22. I am not afraid of bees, but have been stung by them twice.

21. There's a certain shade of purple I dislike, and certain shade I like. I call them yukky purple and nice purple.

20. If I was living through the things I lived through as a child, I don't know how I'd cope because I would be fully aware of the situations for once.

19. I don't have an mp3 player.

18. My signature is the product and was influenced of an episode of a show called 'Eerie Indiana'.

17. I think 17 is the perfect age.

16. I've never seen a complete Star Wars movie and don't intend to.

15. When I was younger I didn't believe in boy and girl germs.

14. Chocolate Nesquik is my all-time favourite drink, and I can say that it is truthfully my favourite and not my 'favourite' ^o^.

13. I say stupid things. A lot.

12. I dislike the cold immensely, and therefore wear a lot of clothing in winter.

11. I enjoy Autumn and Summer the most, but I like all the seasons. Only Spring sometimes annoys me...

10. I always fall for people who don't like me back.

9. I like listening to the rain and the thunderstorms when I'm in bed.

8. I sleep on the right side of my bed, because the left is closest to the window, and when I was younger, I thought this meant that the robbers/murderers would get to me quicker if I was on the left.

7. I learned to accept the dark as simply a place with no light and therefore lost fear of it.

6. I listen to Green Day's "Time Of Your Life" before or after changing events.

5. I still haven't changed my mobile phone clock to the right time. It's still set to be an hour ahead.

4. That often confuses me. Especially when I wake up at 5:30am, thinking it's 6:30am and I freak out.

3. I love sleeping. I don't get enough sleep in my opinion.

2. I don't like it when people call me Helz.

1. I hope I didn't screw up any of the numbers. If I do...blame it on my lack of mathematical skills.



THE END.