"It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.You can't believe it; you were always singing along.It was so easy and the words so sweet.You can't remember; you try to feel the beat.
You spend half of your life trying to fall behind.You're using your headphones to drown out your mind.It was so easy and the words so sweet.You can't remember; you try to move your feet."
- Eet, by Regina Spektor
I feel like I hate you. Even though I don't hate anyone.
But by this logic, I must hate myself too.
This is a perplexing tragedy, I must admit.
I'm falling away.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
*deep voice*
"We're gonna ride the race cars!
We're gonna dance on fire!
We're the girls Le Disko!
Supersonic overdrive! "
-Le Disko, by Shiny Toy Guns.
Everything is one step off letting go and just having fun.
Just. one. step.
I'm awkward and I know it (so I clap my hands).
And!
I say nothing and everything at once. It's kind of funny reading the responses to that token sentence I always seem to find a place for in an essay...they have the most interesting responses though. They always get a response. This time it was 'elliptical'. That's a pretty good description for my sentences that sound like like they're saying nothing and everything at the same time. But they see past it, and just think I can't get to the point.
I have a list in my head of all the materialistic things I want.
I have a list in my head of all the spiritual things I want to achieve.
I believe there's a balance at times. Sometimes there's not however.
(clap your hands for me going back to cryptic blogs)
We're gonna dance on fire!
We're the girls Le Disko!
Supersonic overdrive! "
-Le Disko, by Shiny Toy Guns.
Everything is one step off letting go and just having fun.
Just. one. step.
I'm awkward and I know it (so I clap my hands).
And!
I say nothing and everything at once. It's kind of funny reading the responses to that token sentence I always seem to find a place for in an essay...they have the most interesting responses though. They always get a response. This time it was 'elliptical'. That's a pretty good description for my sentences that sound like like they're saying nothing and everything at the same time. But they see past it, and just think I can't get to the point.
I have a list in my head of all the materialistic things I want.
I have a list in my head of all the spiritual things I want to achieve.
I believe there's a balance at times. Sometimes there's not however.
(clap your hands for me going back to cryptic blogs)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
ideas and moments
Today, I would really like to blog about the Bible verses that have inspired me this week.
Job 8: 8 - 9
"Look for the moment at ancient wisdom; consider the truths our fathers learnt. Our life is short, we know nothing at all; we pass like shadows across the earth..."
This passage, in particular the ending, "we pass like shadows across the earth," really had a profound effect on me when I was reading it this morning. I stumbled across the book of Job by accident, when I was looking for something else, but this phrase simply floored me. I don't really understand the book of Job very much, I understand it on a basic level. This part of Job is a response by his friend Bildad, and it really made me consider my own place here. Sometimes I feel like I know it all, only to be brought to my knees by the idea that I don't. We feel we have everything in control, and that everything is working out fine, but as the passage continues in 13 - 15, "Godless men are like those reeds; their hope is gone, once God is forgotten. They trust a thread - a spider's web. If they lean on a web, will it hold them up?" It won't hold them up. People of all religions seem to agree on the main idea that materialism will not help you. Whether you're Islamic, Buddhist, Wiccan etc. the core of religions transcend the everyday. I personally have a very broad view of 'materialism.' I struggle with this, because I seem to put almost everything under this banner. It's a continual learning experience, to scale back and look at all that is important in this world, in your life. What makes you more than a shadow on the earth?
Psalms 91: 2 - 4
'"You are my defender and protector. You are my God; in you I trust." He will keep you safe from all hidden dangers and from all deadly diseases. He will cover you with his wings; you will be safe in his care; his faithfulness will protect and defend you."
Psalm 91, has for a while been one of my favourites, and I keep coming back to it because it has a profound affect on me when I feel scared or alone. It lifts up my spirit and helps me feel grounded, I recommend to anyone to read (or sing!) the whole thing when they feel this way. I need to learn that some things I can't control by myself. And people can't be there for me 24/7...it's simply impossible. Whilst anyone's walk with God is always a struggle, there are moments when you feel you can't do it anymore, you should just pray and be calm. Like that cliched, walking in the sand story...Sometimes our problems cannot be fixed when we are heavy of heart, or not totally control, or we're hurting ourselves. This Psalm reminds me to lift it up to God, to trust in Him.
Ephesians 4: 15 - 16
" Instead, by speaking the truh in a spirit of love, we must grow up in every way to Christ, who is the head. Under his control all the different parts of the body fit together, and the whole body is held together by every joint with which it is provided. So when each separate part works as it should, the whole body grows and builds itself up through love."
This passage has such beautiful imagery. The whole concept of being wholly encapsulated by love, living love, being a vessel of love, giving and recieving love etc. is I think a really beautiful concept. This passage motivates me to try and live more openly, more lovingly and more prayerfully. To take care of myself, and of everything around me, with the same respect. This is reminiscent of Jesus' Golden Rule, to love one another as I have loved you. Open you eyes, your arms, your hearts to love. Don't be afraid of something so pure.
Job 8: 8 - 9
"Look for the moment at ancient wisdom; consider the truths our fathers learnt. Our life is short, we know nothing at all; we pass like shadows across the earth..."
This passage, in particular the ending, "we pass like shadows across the earth," really had a profound effect on me when I was reading it this morning. I stumbled across the book of Job by accident, when I was looking for something else, but this phrase simply floored me. I don't really understand the book of Job very much, I understand it on a basic level. This part of Job is a response by his friend Bildad, and it really made me consider my own place here. Sometimes I feel like I know it all, only to be brought to my knees by the idea that I don't. We feel we have everything in control, and that everything is working out fine, but as the passage continues in 13 - 15, "Godless men are like those reeds; their hope is gone, once God is forgotten. They trust a thread - a spider's web. If they lean on a web, will it hold them up?" It won't hold them up. People of all religions seem to agree on the main idea that materialism will not help you. Whether you're Islamic, Buddhist, Wiccan etc. the core of religions transcend the everyday. I personally have a very broad view of 'materialism.' I struggle with this, because I seem to put almost everything under this banner. It's a continual learning experience, to scale back and look at all that is important in this world, in your life. What makes you more than a shadow on the earth?
Psalms 91: 2 - 4
'"You are my defender and protector. You are my God; in you I trust." He will keep you safe from all hidden dangers and from all deadly diseases. He will cover you with his wings; you will be safe in his care; his faithfulness will protect and defend you."
Psalm 91, has for a while been one of my favourites, and I keep coming back to it because it has a profound affect on me when I feel scared or alone. It lifts up my spirit and helps me feel grounded, I recommend to anyone to read (or sing!) the whole thing when they feel this way. I need to learn that some things I can't control by myself. And people can't be there for me 24/7...it's simply impossible. Whilst anyone's walk with God is always a struggle, there are moments when you feel you can't do it anymore, you should just pray and be calm. Like that cliched, walking in the sand story...Sometimes our problems cannot be fixed when we are heavy of heart, or not totally control, or we're hurting ourselves. This Psalm reminds me to lift it up to God, to trust in Him.
Ephesians 4: 15 - 16
" Instead, by speaking the truh in a spirit of love, we must grow up in every way to Christ, who is the head. Under his control all the different parts of the body fit together, and the whole body is held together by every joint with which it is provided. So when each separate part works as it should, the whole body grows and builds itself up through love."
This passage has such beautiful imagery. The whole concept of being wholly encapsulated by love, living love, being a vessel of love, giving and recieving love etc. is I think a really beautiful concept. This passage motivates me to try and live more openly, more lovingly and more prayerfully. To take care of myself, and of everything around me, with the same respect. This is reminiscent of Jesus' Golden Rule, to love one another as I have loved you. Open you eyes, your arms, your hearts to love. Don't be afraid of something so pure.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Operation Beautiful
I discovered http://operationbeautiful.com today.
It's mission is to end "fat talk" and let people know in random acts of kindness that they are beautiful. It makes me want to join in, and leave a random note for girls in a bathroom somewhere...
I love this paragraph: "So, what do we really mean when we say, "I’m so fat"? We actually mean that we are FULL WITH AN EMOTION. Oftentimes, it’s shame. Or sadness. Or fear. Why do we express our inner turmoil by hating our bodies? Because that’s what Fat Talk and society tells us to do. Don’t admit you’re scared, just feel fat! Don’t admit you’re lonely or depressed, you’re just fat! We can deal with ugliness, we cannot deal with weakness. The next time you feel the urge to say, "I’m so fat," think about what you REALLY mean. By berating your body, you aren’t doing any favors. But by honoring your emotions, you’re living a happier, more honest life."
It's very true. Fat talk is just another way to lie, and lies are just emotionally draining amongst other things. Because in all honesty, eating something does not make you fat immediately. That is just impossible.
I'm sick of fat talk. I'm sick of partaking in it, and having to listen to it. It's just blatant misinformation. When you say it, it's not only hurting yourself, but hurting other people around you. There seems to be no positive in this action. I don't want to be lied to, I want to stop lying to myself.
That is all. x
It's mission is to end "fat talk" and let people know in random acts of kindness that they are beautiful. It makes me want to join in, and leave a random note for girls in a bathroom somewhere...
I love this paragraph: "So, what do we really mean when we say, "I’m so fat"? We actually mean that we are FULL WITH AN EMOTION. Oftentimes, it’s shame. Or sadness. Or fear. Why do we express our inner turmoil by hating our bodies? Because that’s what Fat Talk and society tells us to do. Don’t admit you’re scared, just feel fat! Don’t admit you’re lonely or depressed, you’re just fat! We can deal with ugliness, we cannot deal with weakness. The next time you feel the urge to say, "I’m so fat," think about what you REALLY mean. By berating your body, you aren’t doing any favors. But by honoring your emotions, you’re living a happier, more honest life."
It's very true. Fat talk is just another way to lie, and lies are just emotionally draining amongst other things. Because in all honesty, eating something does not make you fat immediately. That is just impossible.
I'm sick of fat talk. I'm sick of partaking in it, and having to listen to it. It's just blatant misinformation. When you say it, it's not only hurting yourself, but hurting other people around you. There seems to be no positive in this action. I don't want to be lied to, I want to stop lying to myself.
That is all. x
Thursday, October 15, 2009
ba da ba da
This is the narrative of my sad life.
My assignment was due on Monday. It is now 12:06am Thursday. I have written approximately 300 words since I began writing it on the day it was due. This is not a completely sad story. I had 1 assignment due last Thursday and 2 due on Friday. Then the weekend was filled with birthday celebrations. I said to myself, I'll hand it in on Tuesday, one day late isn't too bad, it's only 1 mark off per day. Then on Monday I couldn't bring myself to write more than 300 words, and Tuesday I was creating my presentation for class on Wednesday. A few minutes ago it was Wednesday night, and I said to myself I'd write at least 600 words so I could wake up tomorrow and finish it and then I could go watch "Whip It" and feel free and stuff like that...
But no.
I have procrastinated for the past 2 hours or so, listening to The Dandy Warhols and reading blogs.
I'm not the only one though. That's meant to be comforting I guess. But it doesn't really help me further this essay. Bah!
My assignment was due on Monday. It is now 12:06am Thursday. I have written approximately 300 words since I began writing it on the day it was due. This is not a completely sad story. I had 1 assignment due last Thursday and 2 due on Friday. Then the weekend was filled with birthday celebrations. I said to myself, I'll hand it in on Tuesday, one day late isn't too bad, it's only 1 mark off per day. Then on Monday I couldn't bring myself to write more than 300 words, and Tuesday I was creating my presentation for class on Wednesday. A few minutes ago it was Wednesday night, and I said to myself I'd write at least 600 words so I could wake up tomorrow and finish it and then I could go watch "Whip It" and feel free and stuff like that...
But no.
I have procrastinated for the past 2 hours or so, listening to The Dandy Warhols and reading blogs.
I'm not the only one though. That's meant to be comforting I guess. But it doesn't really help me further this essay. Bah!
Friday, October 2, 2009
Open Letters
1.
I'm so sick of dealing with people who don't understand anything that's coming out of my mouth. Like I'm talking a different language. I guess I don't make it any easier with the way I say things and they're weighted with double meanings a lot of the time. But honestly, I don't understand how I can feel so helpless right now. I feel like crawling into a ball when you don't understand what I'm saying. When you want to change the subject, as if what I'm saying isn't important to you, or you don't get that what I'm saying IS important to me. I hate the fact that I believed you were capable of doing such things to me, that honest to God I believed you and I took it. And I thought to myself "oh well, I can't expect anymore, really, can I? And I hate that you asked me why I believed you, and I didn't tell you the whole truth.
2.
It disturbs me when you can't handle the most positive of truths. When they compare us and come up to the conclusion that you're better. It's kind of bizarre how in such scenarios people are not afraid to openly judge us. But really, we're all the same right? We're all worth the same, and we're all loved the same, but in truth, we're not. I wish you wouldn't say some things...I wish I could tell you a story so you'd truly understand. I wish I didn't have to be your comparison. I wish I didn't feel so fucking stupid next to you and everyone else.
3.
I wish you'd just believe me. I wish I could figure out how. It disturbs me knowing that I'm letting you pass by and I have no idea what's going on. Something of an idea, but not much.
4.
I wish you'd remember my name. I wanted to mean something to someone, even if I don't like one of your friends. I don't even know for sure how I feel about you, if I want you as a friend, but I really just wish I was important enough for you to at least remember my name.
5.
I pray that I'm worth it. Maybe you'll think I'm worth it? I'd like to think I am, but I can't force you into doing something that isn't a natural feeling to you. That I was not an ugly wallflower, blending into the background music. I'm not made to do that, though somedays I think I am? I always wish to find someone outspoken and oozing with unapologetic individuality just so I can feel some balance. But I think I act the wrong (right) way. This is who I am? Does it matter? Does it change?
6.
Stop telling me to shut up. You told me today and I stopped talking, that's what you wanted right? I never felt so unappreciated. I will never understand how you keep your friends without falling to your knees. I feel like I owe everyone something. I try treat them so nice, I must be boring, but just so I can keep a friend. It's easier to be outwardly happy and boring with friends than to be alone and interesting with no one to share it with.
7.
Because I hate the number 6.
I'm so sick of dealing with people who don't understand anything that's coming out of my mouth. Like I'm talking a different language. I guess I don't make it any easier with the way I say things and they're weighted with double meanings a lot of the time. But honestly, I don't understand how I can feel so helpless right now. I feel like crawling into a ball when you don't understand what I'm saying. When you want to change the subject, as if what I'm saying isn't important to you, or you don't get that what I'm saying IS important to me. I hate the fact that I believed you were capable of doing such things to me, that honest to God I believed you and I took it. And I thought to myself "oh well, I can't expect anymore, really, can I? And I hate that you asked me why I believed you, and I didn't tell you the whole truth.
2.
It disturbs me when you can't handle the most positive of truths. When they compare us and come up to the conclusion that you're better. It's kind of bizarre how in such scenarios people are not afraid to openly judge us. But really, we're all the same right? We're all worth the same, and we're all loved the same, but in truth, we're not. I wish you wouldn't say some things...I wish I could tell you a story so you'd truly understand. I wish I didn't have to be your comparison. I wish I didn't feel so fucking stupid next to you and everyone else.
3.
I wish you'd just believe me. I wish I could figure out how. It disturbs me knowing that I'm letting you pass by and I have no idea what's going on. Something of an idea, but not much.
4.
I wish you'd remember my name. I wanted to mean something to someone, even if I don't like one of your friends. I don't even know for sure how I feel about you, if I want you as a friend, but I really just wish I was important enough for you to at least remember my name.
5.
I pray that I'm worth it. Maybe you'll think I'm worth it? I'd like to think I am, but I can't force you into doing something that isn't a natural feeling to you. That I was not an ugly wallflower, blending into the background music. I'm not made to do that, though somedays I think I am? I always wish to find someone outspoken and oozing with unapologetic individuality just so I can feel some balance. But I think I act the wrong (right) way. This is who I am? Does it matter? Does it change?
6.
Stop telling me to shut up. You told me today and I stopped talking, that's what you wanted right? I never felt so unappreciated. I will never understand how you keep your friends without falling to your knees. I feel like I owe everyone something. I try treat them so nice, I must be boring, but just so I can keep a friend. It's easier to be outwardly happy and boring with friends than to be alone and interesting with no one to share it with.
7.
Because I hate the number 6.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I can't believe we almost hung it up! woahhhh
I can't be bothered to do anything really.
It's kind of bad that I know that things will just pile up and then I will struggle to complete them. But what to do, what to do? I'm preoccupied with other things. People underestimate the power of simply doing nothing. It has just hit me hard today. Probably because I got forced out of bed. No one likes being forced into anything.
I have to take a passport photo. Probably will do it today once I start getting a move on all the things that have to be done. It's weird getting an adult passport...I have to keep it for 10 years. All I keep thinking is how in 10 years time I'mma have this passport photo and I'll look so different. Better or worse, I don't know. But I'll probably look different. I keep obsessing over my fringe length. It says my eyes have to be visible...and my eyes are visible. But when I take a photo, I've noticed I naturally tilt my face down , so you see less of my eyes. I need to either cut off more of my fringe or just remember to keep my face straight. At least I don't have to smile with teeth. Or show my ears. I don't not like my ears, I just prefer not showing them.
I've really been inspired by new music lately.
It's kind of bad that I know that things will just pile up and then I will struggle to complete them. But what to do, what to do? I'm preoccupied with other things. People underestimate the power of simply doing nothing. It has just hit me hard today. Probably because I got forced out of bed. No one likes being forced into anything.
I have to take a passport photo. Probably will do it today once I start getting a move on all the things that have to be done. It's weird getting an adult passport...I have to keep it for 10 years. All I keep thinking is how in 10 years time I'mma have this passport photo and I'll look so different. Better or worse, I don't know. But I'll probably look different. I keep obsessing over my fringe length. It says my eyes have to be visible...and my eyes are visible. But when I take a photo, I've noticed I naturally tilt my face down , so you see less of my eyes. I need to either cut off more of my fringe or just remember to keep my face straight. At least I don't have to smile with teeth. Or show my ears. I don't not like my ears, I just prefer not showing them.
I've really been inspired by new music lately.
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