good kind of nervous vs bad kind of nervous

I have not blogged in over a month.
Life has been hectic, and confusing at times, that I guess I haven't even been able to express how I feel in words. Which is fairly unusual for me, as I feels more comfortable writing things down than saying them.

Nonethless, I feel determined to change my hair. I have clear goals in that respect. haha.

I got my driving licence! Exciting, but challenging to begin with.

Uni is hell at the moment. Cannot wait to be finished for the semester. So hectic. I should be increasing a word count right now.

Relationship wise, I am still confused as anything. I wish everyone made up their mind quickly and told you straight up how they feel. No hearts broken, no waiting. Just clarity. That's all I've ever wanted really. I hope that one day I can say that this was all worth it.

I love...

I love how you completely shut me down.
I love how you yell at me to stop singing.
I love how you make fun of the way by body fat jiggles when I move.
I love how you're jealous of me.
I love how don't let me dream.
I love how you don't take me or my problems seriously.
I love how I listen to whatever you have to say for as long as you want to talk about it, but when I get excited about something and want to talk to you about it, you get to the point when you tell me to calm the fuck down, or say you have to go.
I love how you always expect me to give you money and then you never pay it back and now I really wish I had that money I've lent you so I could actually pay for things I need to pay for and not have to dig into my savings.
I love how you make me cry.

I actually hate it all.

we're got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face

OH!
I get it now.
I really do.
I don't know what to say...
But it'll be okay =)
I think I just have to readjust my "waiting time"

looking up

I am surprising myself how much I'm dealing with this so gracefully. That's probably not the right term to use in this situation, but nevertheless, I feel like I'm not sinking into my usual insanity, fuelled by insecurity and jealousy. Those are very negative emotions, and I'm glad I've learned a way to go past them and just...be. I don't talk about him all the time, I don't constantly think about him (well, I think about him a lot, but it's much healthier this way) and in that respect, I am much calmer, levelheaded...in this crazy little thing called love hahaha.

I decided a few weeks ago that if this doesn't go the way I want, I'm not going to obsess and hold onto something that isn't there. I've wasted too much time thinking that people will come around, when really decisions like that get made faster than you think. How long did it take for me to notice him? Not that long - if he likes me back, it'll probably take the same amount of time. And if it goes on any longer and nothing happens, I'mma step back and stop talking about it here. Try and just be friends. Because I don't want that emotional stress, I don't want to be unrealistic. I want my fairytale to actually happen, not just be replayed torturously over and over in my head.

That is not to say I've given up before I've even begun. I have so much hope, I'm welling with hope.

"Things are looking up, oh finally
I thought I'd never see the day when you'd smile at me"

"It's not a dream anymore,
It's worth fighting for!"

- "Looking Up" by Paramore

quintessential

Seems kind of cliche to say that people are never there when you need them the most.
I'm wearing a t-shirt, and my arms are cold.
Somedays I feel like I'm too fat, and somedays I think I'm okay as I am.
I feel so freaking silly.
And my nails are painted "nude". Like wtf. That is not me at all.

makeup

Over the past year or so, I have developed an increasing interest in cosmetics.
I'm interested in it on a chemical level.
I like to know that I can have a choice between vegan products, between nail polishes with more nasties than others, and I like to use natural products wherever possible.
Choosing colours is exciting, but apart from that, it's about finding a product and seeing how it interacts with your skin. My daily routine is constantly changing. I think I've got a good thing going at the moment. It's very much a case of trial and error.
I got a sample of Smashbox primer which is like the Holy Grail of primers it seems, and whilst I usually use a silicone-based primer, this one for some reason just doesn't work for me. It makes me break out which sucks, but it doesn't matter. At least I got that free sample and didn't spend like $50 on a full sized bottle to find out my body doesn't like it.
I also got into moisturising. I was never big on it before, it just didn't feel right because I have oily skin. But I realised how much I really do need moisturiser. My skin is like oily and dry at the same time, so to balance that out, I need something hydrating. Another product I thought I would never get into is blush. I never knew how to apply it (and whilst I'm still sort of figuring it out) it really brightens up my face at adds dimension to an otherwise flat look.

This is my current daily routine, it'll be interesting to look back in a few months to see how I've changed and perfected it through more trial and error!
Cleanse: Origins Checks and Balances
Moisturise: Cetaphil Moisturiser for Sensitive Skin
Prime: MAC Matte Creme
Conceal: MAC Studio Finish Concealer in NW20
Blush: MAC Sheertone Blush in 'Peaches'
Powder: MAC Studio Fix Powder in NW20
Mascara: Covergirl Lashblast
Lips: Stila Lip Glaze (my favourites are Kitten, Candy and Marmalade!)
Other: MAC Prep + Prime Transparent Finishing Powder - this is probably one of my favourite products at the moment. Oil control without being colour altering!

"I'm so knocked out whenever you're around."

I want to tell people I'm going crazy about you. And I thought it out...all the consequences of telling certain people.
It might make things better. It might make things work.
But I'm not ready yet.

I was even thinking, how silly I sound.
I don't even know you.
But I learned a lot of things just from books, from hear say. I know you from words. From the stories I've been told and the beautiful images you create. I want to believe you're a gold soul and I'm right and we should just meet and be perfect for each other. That if we can analyse history, and pretend as if we know these people in the past from stuff they said and did and created, then I sure as hell can do the same for you. All these cynical broken hearted people just want to protect the world from ever falling in love because it hurts so much and can end so badly. They don't want me to get too involved before i know. I want to know so much. It feels so right and so wrong. The best kind. I want the chance to see you 3D. To interact with you. I don't want you to become a figment of the past, of and history that could have been different. It'd be nice to be right for a change.

Day 7

Day 7:
1. I watched Behind The Music: Courtney Love and didn't feel so bad about being crazy (also appreciative I never got into drugs).
2. I got to spend time with my beautiful nephews/neice.
3. I chucked a sickie at work fearlessly (well I do have a doc cert) and stayed home!

Day 6

1. I actually got a move on with my assignment. Solid work.
2. Had really yummy pizza.
3. Awesome times with the bros and Ujo & Ujna post election.
4. I ate cherries!
5. I voted for the first time.

Day 5

1. Cheese on toast!
2. Nice wall posts on my facebook page, makes me realise people care.
3. Calming, pointless, stress free day.

Day 4

I am grateful and happy because today:
1. I forgot to write this yesterday, but I love it when someone on the bus/train has their music up so loud you can hear it and it's a song you can recognise, and you can see the look on their face is like how you feel about that song.
2. It was so warm today. Unusually warm for winter. I wore a t-shirt!
3. I had this awesome moment when I was applying makeup, getting ready for work - I was blaring AFI and the sun was hitting my room perfectly and the whole feeling of life changed. Hope, summertime, soundwave. Good memories that gave me hope for more to come.
4. I am feeling less sick today.
5. I got to eat pizza for dinner. I can never get sick of pizza.

Days 2 & 3

Day 2:
I am grateful and happy because today:
1. I didn't feel like I was a nobody when my tutor at uni asked me if I was okay and told me I didn't have to stay in the tutorial if I was feeling so sick.
2. I kept up with my fruit eating.
3. I spoke (even a little bit) in my music tutorial.
4. The guys at the chip shop are undeniably friendly (& somewhat flirty?)
5. I drank plenty of water, and with a straw! I never get straws!
6. I thought people looked different on the train (because there are no butch looking girls with short and severe haircuts on my usual line, I told myself), then once I fixed up my route and got out at the correct stop, said stereotype walked straight in front of me, assymetrical hair, Doc's and all and proved me wrong! This made me laugh silently.
7. Sara brought her ukelele to class and played for us. Awesome!

Day 3:
I am grateful and happy because today:
1. The receptionist at the doctor's office said I didn't need a Medicare card cause I was on their records.
2. I got the Nurofen Zavance that tastes like strawberries.
3. I saw my crush aka. convinced he'll be my future husband. LOL. Even though we haven't met yet, we will...and I have good feelings about him, even though I recognise that it's just a fact of life that nothing is certain. But I didn't let that ruining feeling ruin my little adventure this morning.
4. I bought a Model's Own 4-sided buffer/file for my nails and it works pretty good!

An exercise in gratitude and happiness: Day 1

I am grateful and happy because today:
1. I was able to wake up on time today, even though I didn't have an alarm because I lost my phone.
2. I ate both strawberries and kiwi fruit, and had a decent lunch and didn't buy too much crap food.
3. I got to hang out with Sara and Anna.
4. I had some chocolate croissant.
5. I had the last minute courage to wear my fringe in a headband.
6. I got my phone back.
7. My dad told me a hilarious story.

disaster

Life is fairly disastrous at the moment.
I'm running circles in my head (with one eye on something else).

So.
Tomorrow is day one of the week-long gratitude journal. I will write everything that went well that day, for a whole week. Hopefully I'll gain some perspective.
This is my last negative post for the week!

conversation

Me: *sitting next to mama at clothing store whilst brother tries on clothes* Can I try on your ring?
Mama: That's my engagement ring, you have to wait until your boyfriend gives you one
*lets me try it on anyways*

fun times.

I noticed that I lacked blogs during June/July. Probably because nothing/everything happened and I didn't really feel like sitting down and writing it out. I guess because my mind is/was on a break during uni break and I just wanted to sleep and then go out into the cold with friends and sip white hot chocolate and not worry when I needed to be home or any schedule that had to be kept. It's nice to just be. And enjoy the moment.

Some (arguably) interesting facts
- Apparently I like tomatoes now. Not alone, but with other things, they seem to be delicious (case in point - BLT baguettes).
- I still hate coffee. I had a sip of my mum's cappuccino yesterday because I was so tired from a lack of sleep the night before that I was desperate for anything caffeinated.
- I'm in love with the John Mayer cover of "Free Fallin'". It's just perfection and emotionally, so where I am right now.
- I started a new budget and am sticking to it for the next 3 months!
- October 29th. Watch this space.

In other news I found a shop that sells cheap (like internet cheap) OPI and China Glaze (and Essie, Orly etc.) Heres a photobooth photo of my new colours lined up on my bookshelf



(From L to R: China Glaze: It's Poppin', Nasty, Flying Dragon (Neon), Ruby Pumps, Recycle, OPI: Time-Less Is More, Need Sunglasses?)

why I don't like talking to people at the gym

When I go to the gym I am usually in my ugliest state. I am wearing skintight workout gear and usually not wearing makeup. My hair is tied up and I look sweaty. I don't feel like this is an appropriate representation of WHO I AM & thus I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

happy

I am so proud of myself.
I got High Distinction in my final exam for one of my English classes. That is the best mark I've ever gotten. I like the feeling of someone out there having faith in me and seeing my potential. It's not just a figment of my imagination. It's not just failure I can be.

I've come to a place mentally where I think I can start driving again. I'm going to book a lesson today.

changes in life (part II)

For the past month I have remained silent on a few issues I've been happening, mainly because I did not correlate the relationship between them, or understand them very well at all.

As I wrote about before, I was in a car accident a little over a month ago that really seemed to shake me more than I am comfortable with. I am naturally apprehensive about heavy, moving machinery, and so having my worst fear manifest itself in my life affected me more than I could ever assume that it could.

Around that period of time, there was so much stuff happening. I had a lot of uni work and a lot of stress and a lot of really mixed emotions. I remember feeling so stressed I felt sick from eating food that usually calmed me down. I was really lacking focus after I was in the accident, and when time passed and I was gaining a little more focus again, I am feeling as though this important period in my life happened and I was totally messed up. Ever since I've been running ragged, falling behind on work, handing things late and trying to put a smile on my face and pretend to everyone else that everything's fine. I feel like if I am honest like I am being now to people, that they will just think I'm talking shit. Like the accident happened ages ago, why the fuck am I still talking about it. But I'm no longer so focussed on the psychological ramifications as I am the physical as well. A few days ago, I was talking to an acquaintance. We went to school together, and we weren't really close friends at school, but for some reason we have really good MSN conversations that seem to last into the early hours of the morning at least once a month or so. This person seemed to ask the right questions and I stopped feeling so ashamed of myself. I had been blaming myself so much over the past month, that this wasn't good enough, but I hadn't stopped to consider how I really felt. I was lying to myself as much as I was lying to everyone else.

Nonethless, it seems my diligant work has come undone, and my hormones cannot be reigned anymore. I dedicate so much thought, time, money and effort into creating some sort of homeostatic environment for my fucked up skin. For the past year it's been much better, still flawed, but generally I was happy with it. And now it seems I've taken a few steps back. My stress has wreaked havoc on face and I've broken out with acne again. I don't deserve this. I don't think I do at least. I'm not the person that says "why me?" but I'm just really annoyed right now. My face is my face - this is how the world sees me. So not only is my essay ridiculously late, but I look fugly. I need to study for my stupid exams, and I really hope I can catch up on all this shit I just wasn't mentally "there" for.

changes in life.

I've been having some really interesting mental conversations with myself lately. I still haven't found my final answers (but I guess they never really become final?), but I find myself having changing ideas, just in regards to love, in regards to sexuality and all that kind of stuff.

I was just thinking about how in high school I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend, and I'd been directly told this by my parents maybe a couple times, and indirectly hinted at. When I think back to those conversations, I just remember being really blank. Like, for some reason, I would feel more embarrassed now having that discussion with my parents, talking about boyfriends and stuff. I realised that I'm actually quite terrified to have to come out and tell them if I was in a relationship, because now I have a different perspective of what a boyfriend would be. When I was in high school...I think I just wanted a boyfriend for the sake of it. Now I'm 19 - I am an adult? - it just carries so many other implications. I wish I could have had my stupid kind of love and told that to my parents first. And yeah, if I had a boyfriend now...I'd like to think that I would only get into serious relationships, long term type of things, because that's what I want, that's what I've always wanted, a relationship with security...but yes, if I had a boyfriend now...this person becomes so implicated in your life, in my head it feels so personal, almost too personal to share with my family just because they've never seen that side to me before. They've never witnessed me bring in someone of the opposite sex so close. It's not a normal part of my life, to have a boyfriend. My perspectives are evolving and I haven't even been in a relationship yet, which is bizarre. Likely, they will evolve even further if/when I get involved in one. But yeah, are you afraid of telling your family/friends when you begin a relationship? I think I have a further pressure in this situation because my parents actually do not want to know about it unless it's serious/long term thing.Which I wouldn't want to tell them about if it wasn't anyways. But idk, I would feel so terrible if I went out with someone for so long and then broke up with them. Like I've wasted time, wasted my families time. I know it's not so - every experience is a worthwhile one in some way, but at the same time I do not feel like what I'm looking for in a relationship is so readily available to me. I think it's very likely I'll become a cat lady.

'sup?

So right, anyways...
Been super busy. I feel slack that I haven't updated my Lena blog with my Regina Spektor review and a bunch of other reviews I have whirling around in my head.
I'm feeling super industrious and creative and I don't know, I need to finish this academic stuff for the semester and then move on to achieving some of my holiday goals.
I just felt the need to check in here to say I'm not dead, I'm alive and inspired <3

part deux

I thought I could move on and forget about you. And for a while, I very much did. You ceased to occupy my thoughts. Which, was a good and a bad thing. Good, because I could breathe. I could finally escape that void in my head. Those what ifs. Because you don't exist - not really, do you? At least...you exist on the perimeter of my existence, unknowing, and yet changing. But it was bad because it's always nice to have something to wake up for. Not that I invested all my happiness in you...but it was nice to have that hope, to go that extra step and apply the eyeliner (because I don't apply eyeliner for no-one).

But nevertheless - there you are. Re-entry. Without my permission, no less. What am I to do with you? I like how you seem as if you are a loner. Or at least whenever I see you, you're by yourself. I'm over hanging around people with too many friends. I feel like they're not truly listening to me. I don't ever have their attention. I could get your attention maybe. If I had your attention, then I at least would no whether I was right or not about you. Instinct. It's failed me before, why shouldn't it again? Maybe we wouldn't get each other at all. But I at least want the opportunity to find out.

Your re-entry. I want to believe that I'm onto something here. How many more signs do I need? How many more near-misses do I need to tell me to give up? What am I doing anyways? Why am I so invisible? I've wanted that so much for a long time, but sometimes I do not want that at all. Explain to me what's going on. I need something tangible. I want your hand in mine. I want to know you're a good person. I want you to exist in my world. I want to exist in yours.

california girls, so hot we'll melt your popsicle

Do you believe in fate? In a beginning and an end?

Even if I had the benefits of hindsight right now...it still wouldn't make me stop feeling this way.
This urgency is getting to me.

I want you to know me.
I don't want to be wrong about you.
I don't want to be so helpless.

blogging bay

Today I'm going to fill up this space with stuff that you don't need or want to know. Just fill it up. Fill it up. Fill it up. I think about my lips sometimes. What kind of proportion do they take on with the rest of my face? In comparison to other lips. Are they on the full side, the thin side, the in between side? I am going to brunch today. I love brunch. Okay, so big commotion going on in nail polish world at the moment. OPI suing e-tailers. That's what my "Oh, Hell no" was about. How am I going to get my nail polish? They ridiculously inflate the prices here! *disgruntled*. I can honestly say I felt quite crap hearing about this news. I'd be happy to just be able to get it for the price you can get it retail in the US. So yeah, maybe amazon or something? I don't know, I don't know. It's nice to worry about how I'll get my next fix of colours instead of worrying about uni. Oh how it is a relief to just think about colours and design. I want to escape to this part of my head a lot of the time.

yuck

I got my Roswell DVD's in the mail today.
I will watch them once I hand in this assignment today. That is making this day somewhat worth it.
Assignment progress is going well! I wish I could crank them out this quickly all the time, but I'm afraid it's the morning urgency that makes me focus.

I just feel so sick. So wrecked. So emotionally done and dusted. So over this. I want someone else to make this better, but I know no one will. Life is in your hands more often than you think.
There's just so many processes to go through. I'm getting lost and I feel really neglected. I feel like my eyes are open wide and shut at the same time. I feel like I could talk and talk and talk and get no where. Talk myself into a circle because NO ONE FUCKING CARES. They really don't. It's okay. Everyone has their own problems to deal with but why do I feel so unloved right now? So worthless. So bleh. I want to find a hole and bury myself in it. Stop existing for a little while.

ok that last post sucked more than insecurity.

This is why you should like me:

I am insanely loyal.
Empathetic.
Can tell you stuff about music, make-up, english, history, cooking, general knowledge etc.
I can cook you really nice food.
I will do your nails anytime you like (and I won't make it flood your cuticles).
I pay attention and will listen.
I like weird things. If you're weird, I'll prob like you too because you're interesting.
I have nice eyes and boobs.
I can sing/play you a song.
I'm easy to contact.

This is why you won't like me:
EDIT 15/08/2010 - Mara made me delete this list for my sanity.

insecure.

Sometimes I think really negatively.

I think you will never, can't possibly like me. Because I don't have ______. Or I'm not like _____. Because at least so and so has ____, and ____ is what matters right?

Gah.
Insecurity sucks.

Sassattack. Saskia.

I do many silly things.
Like.
I can't help but when I meet a new boy I LIKE...I end up associating a song(s) to him. And then when we are done and dusted, no longer friends - I am forever reminded of them when I listen to that song(s). Sometimes I won't listen to some of my favourite music for like a year because it's too annoying to keep thinking of them.
Examples include, Blink 182, A Perfect Circle, Muse. Only today am I listening to A Perfect Circle and not feeling sick. It's good music once again. Purged of memories of THAT BOY. Stupid . Stupid. Stupid.

Today I exercised my body and my bank card.
I walked and didn't take the bus because I wasn't late. I have been late for a couple weeks now, always catching buses so as not to be REALLY late. But today, was leisurely. And once I'd gotten my work over and done with - I went shopping. What a lovely Friday afternoon exercise. I bought a new bra which is a slightly annoying process when you have only about an hour and a half to finish all your shopping. I bought an EcoTools foundation brush, eager to try that out. I heard many good things about this brand. A Dangerfield Black/Grey/Silver Leopard print skirt and a MAC Studio Finish Concealer. I've been wanting more bottoms. I bought new jeans last week, but I realised I don't really have many skirts to wear, so I wanted to try find a nice casual skirt that I could dress up or down. I think I've succeeded.

I've been listening to Dolly Parton's 'Jolene' today. She is such a brilliant artist. Just really good songs, dude.
I'll leave you with that. =]

crash

Thank you God for keeping me alive today. It reminds me that I have purpose. I am meant to be here. This is my path.

Today I was in a car accident. It was unavoidable and scary and I'm glad no one is hurt. We need more arrow traffic lights, because we were going straight and the lady was turning and thought it was safe to do so. This would have been avoided had there been an arrow light to tell her whether it was definitely safe or not. Human judgement can so easily be impaired and we could all be dead.

woo

This is my first post from my new macbook. It's shiny and has served me well this past week with my music assignmenting.

But aside from that.

Realisation of a "could have met you in a sandbox" feeling or an "I thought I could live in your arms, and spend every moment I had with you" dream. Songs are so eloquent.

I've a new friend. She's uber cool.

you-ou-ou-ou a-a-a-a-are so-o-o swee-ee-eet.

This week I've been trying to get it together.
The buses changing sure did not help this. LOL.
I got my nail polish in the mail today. I was sooo freaking excited all week for this. Well actually a little over a week. And now I have my new colours and they're awesome and so so cheap. I'm very jealous of Americans for their cheap cosmetics. They always find some way to jack up the price here >.< The Internet is doing that funny thing where it goes slow. It's like it gets its period and has a hissy fit and then gets over it after a week or so. I hate it when people want to feel better about themselves so they try and make it out as if you don't know anything. LOL. Someone said something to me and I interpreted as one thing, and they then continued to say ' no, i mean...' which is the exact same thing I said, just using different words. Chyeahh. I'm so young and naive I can't even interpret simple biblical phrases correctly. I hope you feel better about yourself.

tuesdays are long days.

Tuesdays are long days.
I wake up around 6am. Leave the house by 7am. And am on my way until 7pm when I arrive back home. This might not seem like a lot, but when I think about it, that's half a day. Half a day is a long time when you're in transit. I feel vulnerable at times, carting my life in a somewhat oversized handbag, with a jacket hanging over it, waiting for that inevitable weather change. That's actually what I don't like a lot. How I don't know how to dress because I'm exposed to every kind of weather. I carry a lot of stuff with me. When I walk around the city I'm paranoid I'll be mugged. I don't know how I've managed to keep track of everything and not misplace anything yet. Cards, bottles, containers, lip gloss, phone, purse etcera...the list goes on. I go from one bad side of town to another. I have some interesting experiences this way. It's funny how you can walk not very far and be confronted with people who are completely different. All with different stories and purposes.

In the past couple weeks, I've been sleeping on the other side of my bed. This is very weird. I've never before done this. Sometimes I may end up sleeping diagonally across, but for all of my life, I've slept on the right hand side of the bed. I have no real explanation for why I keep doing this.

Overall, I am quite happy right now. I am home and tomorrow I had a day off. I have a list of things I need to do. My room is mostly tidy. My belly is full of good food.

new things

You may have noticed that I write about music here a fair bit!
I've created my own little nook for this stuff now (not to say that I won't keep writing about it here...) but nonethless, I present to you:

http://lenaandtheluciddreamers.blogspot.com

I recommend you go there and leave me love/kindness/ideas/cookies.

Now. Life!
Uni has begun and I am super duper happy! Though, it seems as though I have a tonne more assignments to do this year haha. Maybe I had been away so long that I didn't even remember how many there really are...But overall, things are looking up for the moment.

I ordered some stuff last night that I might blog about in my next post (if I get it quick enough), but we'll see. Haha...not something I've done before but I'm super excited about this, I can't resist...

21022010 - Soundwave!

Sunday was Soundwave-day woo! It was pretty much a wonderful experience. A quick rundown, because I'm not feeling so eloquent today:

Heat. Hot Hot Hot heat!
Heroes For Hire, Motion City Soundtrack
Mud. Free water and sooo much mud. Black shoes became brown.
To Write Love On Her Arms tote bag!
Beautiful cloakroom boy from my past. A sign?
Paramore! Waiting in heat for an hour, delays, delays. Full circle moment!
Placebo, silver pants
AFI! On the barrier, Davey was a drama queen, a true performer. Spot on music. Old + new songs, tight set = highlight of the day.
Chips on a stick. Amazing spiral-ness haha.
Escape the Fate! Amazing mosh. Sooo much energy. Should've played more older songs but at least they did play my favourites!
HIM, intense but lacking the connection to the audience. Idk, maybe I was just tired? Nonethless, was great music.
Home time! bottles bottles everywhere.
Taking off muddy shoes before heading inside. Shower, sleep = perfection!

interested in you

This will be a normal post (I hope).

I am going to Soundwave this weekend! I am soo excited. This is honestly...a dream line-up for me. Some of my favourite bands in one day - I never thought it would ever happen, but it is! I'm also starting uni again in just over a weeks time, which I am also really excited for! I got my new student card in the mail, finalised my timetable. Pretty much all the rooms I'm in this semester are new to me, so I get to conquer more of the university! Today I bought new Converse shoes, they're completely black canvas, low cut all stars. I got my first pair of Converse shoes on the 11th April 2006. The date only sticks in my mind because there was a lot of cool stuff happening at the time and I rarely bought stuff for myself out of my own money because I didn't have a job then. They lasted me a good 4 years and have been through a lot of 'first' moments for me. I'm sad to have to throw them out cause they carry a lot of memories but they're looking rather ripped and hobo-ish at the moment (and are not at all pleasant to wear in the rain). Nonethless, I have continued on the shoelace pattern I used on these shoes on my new pair, so the legacy lives on perhaps? Haha, this is so funny I'm talking so much about shoes. It's hard to explain how much symbolism they have to me though.
I also bought a new little bag I can sling across me at Soundwave so I can mosh, look stylish and and be sensible at the same time, with my phone, money, sunscreen and emergency Nutella sandwich tucked in place =].

blah

I'm sorry.

I don't know how I could possibly say that to make you understand how much I mean it.

I wish you could tell me the truth, and then I could tell you mine. Just say it. I already know, I just need your confirmation, that I'm not just crazy and misinterpreting this.

But yeah...I'm sorry I hurt you. Things would be easier if it weren't all secrets and guessing.

these lyrics...

have brought me to my knees

"you want to be dressed in poetry,
but imagery doesn't fit.
you want resizing,
but darling dear,
get a grip."

How simple?
Do with it what you will. All I know is that I think I have to learn this lesson before someone I love dangles my faults in front of my face and says "where did you go?"

in the eye of the blurry beholder

I would believe in the craziest of things. The most farfetched, the never-going-to-happen's. I have this energy - this hope - that seems to most of the time make everything seem better. It's my own filter. It makes the distasteful palatable. It makes the never-going-to-happen's seem plausible. I like to see the world with rose-coloured glasses on. I cannot say it is a foolproof method of defence. There are times when I feel that all is hopeless - but here I am. Thinking of you. Thinking I may stand out to you one day. Thinking that it's a viable option. That the statistics are against us - but it could happen. Well yes - it could. Maybe I'll find out you're a terrible, soul-crushing person. I'll re-read this blog post, and think I am the biggest idiot, for ever wasting any thought process on you. Or maybe you're so amazing. I hope it is this (of course). I want to know, even if it turns out that I think I'm an idiot for making you so important when you don't know me at all. You're a book I've only read the front cover of. I tried to decipher the blurb, but it was a bit hard to understand. Nevertheless, there are an endless amount of pages to discover. Our stories don't end. I think if I were able to read the first chapter, or even the first page, I might get a clearer glimpse of you.Though I suspect it will not be in chronological order, which will either be a help or a hindrance. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll be too scared of you to even attempt to open the book. I'll gaze shyly at my shoes - hoping you pick up on the nuances. But we're all to busy to pick up on nuances right?
I will be more confident. I have realised that only that is the key.

bitch sesh.

I'm a bit over my job at the moment.

I think I'm good with lists. Let's list.

1. I've been there nearly 3 years, and I've seen the coming and going of about a gazillion managers. I've developed good relationships with a bunch of my co-workers, even supervisors, but never the managers. They get moved around too often, and all of a sudden, I'm required to change the way I do things in order to please the particularity of this whole new person. There's no connection and I feel like when it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter how long I've been there, I'm lost in the anonymity of getting new managers ALL THE TIME. I'm just drowning.

This point seems to be the start for all the others to come...

2. Last Sunday I left a note for my dept. manager to tell her that I really would like to change my contract, and not have to work on Sunday's anymore. I've done Sundays for 3 years straight with no complaint, but it's really gotten to the point where the extra money doesn't make up for all the beaches, birthdays, lunches, concerts and events I've missed. As much as *I* live here, at my home, as much as this is where I am based, I'm rarely here in a sense. All my extended family live at least 30 mins away, most more. My family are beach-junkies, and all the beaches are an hour away or more. The list goes on, but the point is, all this stuff happens without me, but because I haven't got my licence yet (or a car), someone always has to be up for either missing out or taking the long journey to work with me from somewhere else. Within the next two months I want to attend 3 concerts, all on Sunday evenings, so I really need to get my contract changed within the next week. Anyways, today I remind my manager, ask her if she got my note and she tells me that at the moment she is not changing contracts, because if she does it has a domino effect on everyone else's roster, but that she will look into trying to fit me in on a Thursday night and that she'll call me. Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I don't even know what that means. Will she even try? Will she forget?

3. My manager's ridiculous changing of rosters last minute. NO JOKE. The roster for the whole store goes up in the staff room showing this week and next week. I check it every week. Then she decides to make changes to it without calling you to tell you, or even writing it on the main roster. It's down in the dept., the one she alters. And then when you're late, like I was today, she calls you up saying "did you know you were supposed to start 10 mins ago?" WTF? I seriously believed her when she said I was supposed to start at 3 instead of 3:30pm, but after i finished my shift, I checked the roster upstairs and it had been untouched from my usual contracted hours. This is the first time she's done this to me, but not the first time she's done this. She seems to be doing this to everyone, and I have NO IDEA why. It's not productive, AT ALL. I see no point in this, and yet it continues. This shoddy management practice continues... All day we tell people "oh we're out of Winfield Blue's" - one of the highest selling cigarettes. The 25's, 20's and twinpacks, nothing out front to sell. Near the end of my shift, when it's quietened down, my supervisor and I go out the back to bring more cartons to the front. Lo' and behold, there's like a million cartons of Winfield Blue's. This practice is ridiculous: pay minimum wage, cut hours, understaff the store and overwork the ones there, in the mean time you're turning away people from buying things because you're too lazy/not organised enough to keep things stocked. This is some sort of exercise in mediocrity.

Ugh. I could go on, but I think I've had enough thinking about this for one day.

nothing to prove

These past days have been a blur

I cooked 2 dinners today. One for today and one for tomorrow. I feel so Nigella. I don't know if Nigella does that sort of thing, but I'd imagine she would. All these cooking shows are trying to make people cook by advertising their recipes as being time-saving and simple. I try to not write numerically when referring to numbers in the middle of a sentence like that. But for some reason, I'm becoming more attracted to not using capitalisation in facebook comments, using an ampersand (&) symbol instead of writing 'and' at times and using numbers in amongst a bunch of letters. How odd. How 360 degrees is that?

So my Windows is currently infected with a virus that we cannot for the life of anything, wipe off the computer. I'm using Ubuntu Linux at the moment. Not really doing anything but Internet-ing on it. I can't access my music files for some reason. They're all backed up anyways, so I'm not afraid of losing them, it just annoys me that I can't open them easily. So every day I open up one or two songs by this youtube user called phillypepper1000, who is amazing. He has been my background music for the past week.

We like to think we're in control. We're in firm grasp of what's around us. But think about all the secrets you have, all the things you cannot say for some reason. Multiply that by the amount of people you're in contact with on a daily basis. Those are all the things you don't know. All the things you'll never know.

Tomorrow I'm going to cook blueberry muffins. That's one thing we all know now.

ill at ease

"I think it has got to do with that whole ill-at-ease feeling, the 'what next culture'." - Sarah Wilson.

This quote, is taken from this ( http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/wellbeing/february-is-a-fine-time-to-embrace-a-dry-argument-20100109-m008.html ) article and is presented in the context of using alcohol as a crutch but that is not the context I wish to use this quote.

What was the last thing that made you squirm? Or perhaps the last thing that made you feel uncomfortable - with your thoughts, with yourself, with other people etc.

I am plagued by this feeling all the time. I try and ignore it with my mind. This is my defence mechanism. My reaction to feeling uncomfortable is to try and forget it was ever there.

But I am always reminded of these things that make me feel ill. It is in pessimistic moments I look at the scars on my body and think that I am not perfect, that I am tarnished. In those moments I can't simply ignore. Those scars become a testament to my own fallibility. For some reason they tell me I'm at fault. The fact that they're still there. That I couldn't erase a somewhat permanent mark. They fade, they fade. Over time. But it feels like I'm always working and always waiting in a sense. Nothing comes for free.

I live with myself. As you do too. You invite other people into your worlds...sometimes you don't and they still arrive. I wait and wait and wait. And then I realise I need to do something. So I work. And life becomes defined by numbers again. By moments in time. By measurements. I can count them up and weigh them and move them forward in my head. So I'm always thinking about them. Always thinking about how I'm never satisfied. I'm unbalanced ALL THE TIME and it kills me.

welcome to the new year

I thought to myself that I should probably update. Seeing as it is the new year and all, and I am home finally =]. I came back from camping on Sunday afternoon and I really did have the best time. I very literally approached this holiday with brand new eyes and I even tasted food differently. Haha, so weird. Everything was very hypercoloured and fun. Except perhaps the last 2 days where things went a bit topsy turvy and I really wanted to go home!

I've set a couple new years resolutions into motion. One I'll share is that I am going to keep a diary/journal again. I re-read my 2004 diary the other day and it brought the LOL's =] But it also made me kind of sad that I didn't document 2005 and beyond in such a natural, free way. Blogging for me usually turns out rather vague, unless I'm feeling like taking a very literal approach like I am now.

I'm really ready for this year. I'm excited!
I hope you're all doing well and having fun =]