ill at ease

"I think it has got to do with that whole ill-at-ease feeling, the 'what next culture'." - Sarah Wilson.

This quote, is taken from this ( http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/wellbeing/february-is-a-fine-time-to-embrace-a-dry-argument-20100109-m008.html ) article and is presented in the context of using alcohol as a crutch but that is not the context I wish to use this quote.

What was the last thing that made you squirm? Or perhaps the last thing that made you feel uncomfortable - with your thoughts, with yourself, with other people etc.

I am plagued by this feeling all the time. I try and ignore it with my mind. This is my defence mechanism. My reaction to feeling uncomfortable is to try and forget it was ever there.

But I am always reminded of these things that make me feel ill. It is in pessimistic moments I look at the scars on my body and think that I am not perfect, that I am tarnished. In those moments I can't simply ignore. Those scars become a testament to my own fallibility. For some reason they tell me I'm at fault. The fact that they're still there. That I couldn't erase a somewhat permanent mark. They fade, they fade. Over time. But it feels like I'm always working and always waiting in a sense. Nothing comes for free.

I live with myself. As you do too. You invite other people into your worlds...sometimes you don't and they still arrive. I wait and wait and wait. And then I realise I need to do something. So I work. And life becomes defined by numbers again. By moments in time. By measurements. I can count them up and weigh them and move them forward in my head. So I'm always thinking about them. Always thinking about how I'm never satisfied. I'm unbalanced ALL THE TIME and it kills me.