here's to hoping you'll keep me honest.

Been thinking of extending this blog (enterprise?) thing.

I feel really annoyed about stuff. Just rubbed the wrong way...feathers ruffled. That sort of thing. I need to let go of some stuff. It's just hard.

But yeah...
I've been thinking of making words speak louder.

I started uni 2 weeks ago...tomorrow will be the start of my 3rd week. It's very different. And challenging in a way I didn't expect it to be. Academically it's different, but manageable. Socially...I feel like I'm being swallowed whole (just dislocate your jaw...).
I didn't think I'd be one of those people who'd contemplate dropping out merely weeks into it, but it feels like a somewhat viable option at the moment. The drop out rate in first year is very high. I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just encapsulated by loneliness that's eating away at me because nothing will happen the way I want it to. This is a tree. Really. It is. Like...different paths and options, but somewhat intertwined. And the issues shouldn't just be taken on face value.

The logical part of me knows I'll stay, at least for now. I'll tough it out.

I'm going hunt-ing...

"I thought I could organise freedom" - 'Hunter' by Bjork

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" - Matthew 6:26

I wish I could organise my freedom. Put things away in pockets, and in time, in specified time, they'll grow and change in the exact way I wished that they would. Then I'd be free.
But I also understand how this is impossible. Things hardly ever go exactly the way in which you plan them. So I'll just tell them I have faith. I have no plans, but faith that I'll be directed to where I am supposed to be. I need to step out of this box. These pockets can't hold me anymore. But it's so hard to leave and take risks.

postsecret

I do not understand the picture one bit, but the words in this postsecret make so much sense to me.

I wish we could all understand this, when we're feeling useless.