don't ask me

I'm stroking the keys in this weird, circular, rhythmic way, almost as if urging them to tell me how I should word these next few sentences.

Stuck. Just stuck.
And it isn't really that I've got a great thing going (good yes, but not great.) There's always room for improvement after all.
I feel scared to venture into these depths I've never ventured into before. It is an age-old problem, I guess.

Which reminds me of something I read the other day...
I don't know how true this anecdote is, but it's brings up an interesting idea.

A test group of people were asked to write their birthday and time of birth on a sheet of paper and they would be provided with a ...I guess, psychic...or astrological reading of their lives to date. Once they received their readings, they were then asked to grade the accuracy, 5 being the most accurate and 1 the least. They all gave their readings 4's and 5's.

They were then asked to hand back their reading to the person behind them (the last person in the row was to hand it up front to the first person). As they read the other person's life reading, they all eventually came to the realisation that they were reading the same thing that had been given to them. All the readings were exactly the same for everyone.

This story makes me realise the connections between us all - all the living and breathing humans here. We all essentially live the same story, in different ways. But I think if you looked at life in 'themes' as you would deconstruct a novel or film (art of course, is an imitation of life...), you'd find that we all go through the same things. Happiness and sadness, being the most obvious....but despair and hurt and loss...fear. Love, rejection, anger... They range is complexities, but whatever name you want to give them, no one can escape these human 'themes'. They permeate all our existences.

While most of these blog posts are about that time every once in a while when I feel so disconnected from life and everyone in it - and that emptiness I feel when this happens - I don't think I've ever written about how very connected I feel at times.

We're all buzzing and thrumming with the emotions in this existence. It runs in all our veins.

A Question For The Masses

"When do you feel most like yourself?

I read that question today and had a mind implosion.
It was just...woah.
It made me really think.
When do I feel most like myself?
I'm not sure.

So maybe I can tell you when I don't feel like myself at all. That might narrow things down."

I wrote that in my blog on the 22nd of May last year and never published it. It began and never finished. I've got several of these segments that never get to breathe here. For some reason, I like bringing them out after a while, when they're not so relevant...

This will be my attempt to try and answer the question I posed myself over half a year ago.

I feel most like myself when I'm wearing pyjamas. They are the most comfortable clothing I own, and even when not sleeping, I try and spend as much time as I can wearing these articles of sleepwear. Maybe it's a reflection of how closed off I can become, but I really hate being seen by most people in my pyjamas. I think because they potentially misrepresent me. If the door bell rings and I'm the only one home and in my pyjamas, I will not answer it. I can't even quickly duck upstairs to change clothes because they'll see me through the glass. It will always appear as if I just woke up, or am too lazy to change into regular 'daywear'...

I feel most like myself when I am excited and focussed and determined to figure something out. When I think and have epiphanies, or when I research and make discoveries that seem oh-so very grand (to me).

I feel most like myself when I don't have any explaining to do. Or at least when there's no expectation for me to explain. The expectation looms over my head and trips me up. When there are no questions asked, I'm free to just exist.

I feel most like myself when I am trying to be kind. I don't feel that I have a malicious purpose here...I think that negative part of me just gets set off by injustices.

I feel most like myself when I'm listening to sounds that really make me happy, or sad or make me feel something strong. Music that makes me feel, for very unpretentious reasons.

When do you feel most like yourself?

Plans

In all seriousness, I feel the importance for me to get away for a while.
While often people want to escape from the people they know, the people who love them and the people they love and subsequently find themselves far away from all the important things to them - I don't feel like this is one of those escapes. I appreciate the here and now so much that I need to go away and better myself to feel worthy and happy here.
I won't be able to leave for a little while though. But when I'm gone, you'll know. And you'll know I'll be back too. I need to regain myself. Or develop some confidence through the unpredictable situations of consequence. Go explore and adventure and start again so I can come back and fully function the way I want to. I'm sick of halves - half existences. But right now, I'll just plan this exit. I don't know how other people can live amongst the same forever. I need a break from normality. I need difficulty and challenges and a way to prove to myself that I am alive. That all these things I hide can exist here. That I can speak and be heard. Or at least not be afraid to speak.