"When do you feel most like yourself?
I read that question today and had a mind implosion.
It was just...woah.
It made me really think.
When do I feel most like myself?
I'm not sure.
So maybe I can tell you when I don't feel like myself at all. That might narrow things down."
I wrote that in my blog on the 22nd of May last year and never published it. It began and never finished. I've got several of these segments that never get to breathe here. For some reason, I like bringing them out after a while, when they're not so relevant...
This will be my attempt to try and answer the question I posed myself over half a year ago.
I feel most like myself when I'm wearing pyjamas. They are the most comfortable clothing I own, and even when not sleeping, I try and spend as much time as I can wearing these articles of sleepwear. Maybe it's a reflection of how closed off I can become, but I really hate being seen by most people in my pyjamas. I think because they potentially misrepresent me. If the door bell rings and I'm the only one home and in my pyjamas, I will not answer it. I can't even quickly duck upstairs to change clothes because they'll see me through the glass. It will always appear as if I just woke up, or am too lazy to change into regular 'daywear'...
I feel most like myself when I am excited and focussed and determined to figure something out. When I think and have epiphanies, or when I research and make discoveries that seem oh-so very grand (to me).
I feel most like myself when I don't have any explaining to do. Or at least when there's no expectation for me to explain. The expectation looms over my head and trips me up. When there are no questions asked, I'm free to just exist.
I feel most like myself when I am trying to be kind. I don't feel that I have a malicious purpose here...I think that negative part of me just gets set off by injustices.
I feel most like myself when I'm listening to sounds that really make me happy, or sad or make me feel something strong. Music that makes me feel, for very unpretentious reasons.
When do you feel most like yourself?
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I feel most like myself when I'm driving into the city (or back from the city) with the radio on, or a cd playing. I've recently discovered Hamish and Andy's afternoon radio show. They make me happy when I drive. I love listening to a cd turned up to 10 (or 12 if I'm feeling deaf) and singing along really loudly until my throat gets too dry to sing anymore. I love losing myself in daydreams inspired by what I'm listening to. I love that it makes me feel calm and confident in my driving ability.
This question left me utterly bewildered. The idea of feeling like myself felt so foreign. It made me a little sad because I really couldn't find any time that I truly felt like myself. I'm still not sure if I could pin point anything in particular with any degree of certainty. So, it really got me thinking that maybe this hollowness that fills me when all those little things that keep me busy stop is the space where I'm supposed to be. I'm not sure of myself at all. Right now there's is so much going on that I find it hard to let myself go and be happy. The passing of time is a constant fear in the back of my mind. When I do nothing, I feel like time is catching up on me and is going to judge me for my period of inactivity. I feel helpless, like I'm trying to carry water cupped in my hands across the desert. And, in this desert, I'm surrounded by so many people - some friends and some strangers - but none of them know I'm carrying this water.
I think I feel most like myself when I'm solving a problem. Something of reason.
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