still life.

Last night I had a dream...

And I woke up in tears, because I hated seeing her tears. It's always dreams about her upset that makes me upset.
It was all a product of what was said yesterday. Too many memories being brought into the forefront of my brain, that they ended up permeated in my subconscious, while the complexities underneath the surface were elucidated in my dream.

The grave was just a square. I have a no idea why. They're supposed to be rectangles. Squares are even though - the same four-sided figures. Is this the closest I get to full-circle, because things are definitely not full circle. Maybe all sides are even now, but all the issues have certainly not been changed and fixed enough to form a perfect circle with no apexes to bump upon.
It all just reminded me all the pain she would feel. All the pain many people feel, long after. And then there was another her. And she didn't do much in the dream, but spark my brain when I woke up.

I wish I could have seen what they had seen. Or had more time to see than me.
I do remember those times of happiness though. I remember him wearing the hat. I remember the cigarettes and I remember being young and getting pizza every Sunday there...where we'd eat with my uncle, because he is only 9 years older than my sister, and thus, 19 years older than me. But this was ages ago.

It makes me sad that most of my life I spent only knowing the worst, the years nearing the end.
I really liked hearing their stories. Their stories make me jealous of what I missed out on - but truly bring me closer into this understanding. A calm reverie.
I've never had such perspectives before, because like I said - for most of my life, I'd only seen the struggle. But now I know - I realise how much I look up to him, and hope I can be like that. Fearless. I don't want to follow the rules. I want to be ahead of my time.

Now that I'm at a pivotal moment in my life, I realise how very much I value these ideals, and how very much they're hard to live up to. Sometimes I stop and think "what the hell is going on?" Sometimes I can't figure it out.
But I think I'll just keep doing what I feel I've been doing for the most part- just following that gut instinctual feeling. Once I start to think too much, I start to become unable to make decisions.

Water Imagery

Monsoon
1000 Oceans.

Something you can't shake I guess?
So much cold and water imagery present.

Cleansing.
Are you guilty?
It feels like you're permanently lost, only to be directed by the sheer power of water.
Does it make you feel like anything can happen?

I feel the same in the way I need to run away too.

I just don't take such a current I suppose.

>.<

aksdjfha;dvba;odifgha

so so so so so alone here.

I feel so very silly right now.
Like I've made a mistake, but I know it's not a mistake.

Stop making me feel so gross.

(whyyy did you mess with forever??
or a little
wai did u mess wit fo-evaa. ?)

A truth

Rant of sorts I suppose.
I don't know.
I'm a mess and the best at the same time. I don't know how to deal with anything going on right now.
I can't talk to anyone because I know exactly what they'll say, and this is something I just cannot fix.
I can't fix myself; I can't fix the way I am. Well, I guess sometimes you can, but this time, I've just got to stick through this, type at super speed and get anything I can out of my head, onto the screen, onto something tangible.
I feel so alone.
Such a failure. So lost and so dizzy. I know, and then I don't. Life isn't meant to be simple - and this is simple, if you think about it in relative terms. There is a black and white if you want there to be - and there's always the shades of grey if you want there to be too.
I want to fast forward and rewind all at once. Just escape.
Escape escape.
Scratch at the this wall, bring it down. Hands and nails and aggression. Watch it crumble before me - dust dissipating and floating away. And then there'll be peace.
I don't want pity, I don't want 'I told you so.' I don't want to talk to you or anyone else for that matter.
I hate the way I build things up.
I hate the way I know so much yet so little.
I hate the way I feel sick right now. Sick at these thoughts. Sick at my attempts to think positively. Sick to watch everyone else.

In the end, I will be fine. In the end I shall find reasons to be positive. I will find distractions. I will find.
But not now.
Now is a time for death and deliberance. For obsessing and dying a little inside.

Woah

Maybe we all secretly desire 'crazy.'

We're all like "no, no...don't do the drugs, don't go over the top, into excesses," but we all loved those eyes that opened so brightly.

Now we've got 'spirit fingers.'
It's interesting to watch...
I still can't form a proper opinion other than "it's different, but the same."

Modern-Day Sign From God

I keep getting these emails from this person called "Become an Educator" and the subject is always "Get a Great Job With A Teaching Degree."

I've gotten at least 20 of these in one day. And whilst I AM the one that has >1000 unopened emails in my inbox...just because I rarely delete junk mail, doesn't mean I want to be inundated with it. I like a slow, steady progressive increase - not a freaking monsoon. (Hah. monsoon, get it? probably not...)

So the question is this - these emails keep staring me in the face at a time when my future is up in the air. Is this a modern-day sign from God? Has He given up on symbolism, and just gone straight to the point...the very source of our screwed up interactions - email. Well, no, not the source...but I guess, it's less aggravating getting a 20 emails, than say getting 20 letters (and more environmentally friendly, I must add), or getting 20 calls from a telemarketer (who probably wouldn't even get their message across once my "sorry, not interested" cuts them down...actually...sometimes I just hang up. This is not very good etiquette, but I just don't want to waste theirs or my time...).

It's nice to know no-one cares sometimes.
It'd oddly comforting =].