still life.

Last night I had a dream...

And I woke up in tears, because I hated seeing her tears. It's always dreams about her upset that makes me upset.
It was all a product of what was said yesterday. Too many memories being brought into the forefront of my brain, that they ended up permeated in my subconscious, while the complexities underneath the surface were elucidated in my dream.

The grave was just a square. I have a no idea why. They're supposed to be rectangles. Squares are even though - the same four-sided figures. Is this the closest I get to full-circle, because things are definitely not full circle. Maybe all sides are even now, but all the issues have certainly not been changed and fixed enough to form a perfect circle with no apexes to bump upon.
It all just reminded me all the pain she would feel. All the pain many people feel, long after. And then there was another her. And she didn't do much in the dream, but spark my brain when I woke up.

I wish I could have seen what they had seen. Or had more time to see than me.
I do remember those times of happiness though. I remember him wearing the hat. I remember the cigarettes and I remember being young and getting pizza every Sunday there...where we'd eat with my uncle, because he is only 9 years older than my sister, and thus, 19 years older than me. But this was ages ago.

It makes me sad that most of my life I spent only knowing the worst, the years nearing the end.
I really liked hearing their stories. Their stories make me jealous of what I missed out on - but truly bring me closer into this understanding. A calm reverie.
I've never had such perspectives before, because like I said - for most of my life, I'd only seen the struggle. But now I know - I realise how much I look up to him, and hope I can be like that. Fearless. I don't want to follow the rules. I want to be ahead of my time.

Now that I'm at a pivotal moment in my life, I realise how very much I value these ideals, and how very much they're hard to live up to. Sometimes I stop and think "what the hell is going on?" Sometimes I can't figure it out.
But I think I'll just keep doing what I feel I've been doing for the most part- just following that gut instinctual feeling. Once I start to think too much, I start to become unable to make decisions.