does this make you nervous?

I'd like to think, that the reason why we're going so slow, the reason why you respect my boundaries, is because you can see I respect myself.
You treat me as a gentleman would, because you can realise I am a lady and I don't deserve any less.
Do not think the way you open doors for me, hold my bags and refuse to let me pay goes unappreciated. The way you're always able to come pick me up and drive me all over the place just so we can spend time together. The way you hold my hands in the car and give me your jacket so that I'm not so frozen anymore. The way you fight (and sometimes give in to) pure exhaustion and sleepily mumble your protests as I try to say goodnight to you on the phone or skype, because you need your sleep but you don't want to have to sleep. The way you tell me to "please, be careful" with earnest. These small gestures make up the bigger picture.

sunday night

"is it cool if i hold your hand,
is it wrong if i think it's lame to dance?"

signs and symptoms . i can't stop smiling.

it's nice.

It's nice to hug a boy.
It's nice to not hate you anymore.
It's nice to have some clarity and perspective.
=)

today has crushed me

in more ways than one.
Today has crushed my perceptions of who you are. I wasn't under any pretensions that you were some beacon of virtue, but to have a friend tell me that their friend who knows you thinks that you have bad motives when it comes to girls, makes me feel really really shitty.
And secondly, being rear-ended by a car on the highway crushed me between it and the car in front of me. Lucky it was only cosmetic damage to my parents car, but still, it shook me. What is up with my luck and car accidents???

Meh. I'm tired of thinking.

i feel this needs to be noted for an historic sake

I was reading back a couple pages in my blog - so much talk about guys I liked! Haha, it's kind of funny now reading back on it. In some cases, I even had a hard time remembering who exactly I was talking about. Shows how important they turned out to be I guess. Most of the people I've ever had feelings for can be pushed nearly completely out of my mind. A couple remain in the back of my mind, because they were actually really important people and moments in my life. Obviously, they never amounted to what I wanted initially,

Anyways, so this thing happening now, who my last post was about. Everything has pretty much been turned on its head within the past 48 hours. I took the risks I needed to take. And things turned out nothing like how I expected them to - at all. In some ways good and in some ways bad. The bad is that I've suddenly been hit by all these realisations that shit is getting real. I can get hurt. He can get hurt. I have a responsibility to treat someone with the respect they deserve, in a way that isn't just like everyday respect. I have to be careful of paper hearts ripping apart. I'm still worrying, questioning. How can I just put my trust in someone else? How can I believe he's really a good guy? It's so confronting. I've never gotten this far.

The good is that he does seem to be genuinely be a nice guy. A generous heart who has only tried to go out of his way for me, quite literally. I guess I just don't like all this guessing.

The universe was totally against us yesterday. But he made up for it, but trying to call me like 5 times when my phone went dead. I called him back. And told me he wanted to make up for it all by taking me out to dinner. He just texted me asking what food I liked. Oh star, is this real life? LOL

comeback

Wow, it's been like 6 months since I last posted here. I started experimenting with tumblr and got a bit sidetracked from this blog, but I don't know, I guess I feel like I have a bit of a home here. This is where I can express how I truly feel, and right now I want to yell from the rooftops how I feel, but I can't really talk to anyone any more than I already have.
My problem boils down to this.
It's so cliche, but. I like a boy.
And for some strange reason, he seems to be interested in me.
This doesn't happen to me much. So it's all really new.
How we know each other...is such a long, strange story. But to put it simply, we have a mutual friend who I used to be very close with.
And...I feel so confused. And nervous. Very very very nervous. This is all so new to me. And whilst I get scared off by people rushing with me, and I end up pushing them away as a result, I'm just as scared by this slow progression of friendship, that obviously has the "I'm into you" connotations. I'm scared of what happens if things don't work out. I'm scared of wearing my heart on my sleeve like I have been. I can't figure myself out, let alone another person.
I think I'm leaning towards taking the risk. It's not like I've done this before. I've never done this before. It's all new and scary, and if I get heartbroken and feel like shit and we cannot be friends ever again - then at least I'll be able to write some good songs from those experiences.

good kind of nervous vs bad kind of nervous

I have not blogged in over a month.
Life has been hectic, and confusing at times, that I guess I haven't even been able to express how I feel in words. Which is fairly unusual for me, as I feels more comfortable writing things down than saying them.

Nonethless, I feel determined to change my hair. I have clear goals in that respect. haha.

I got my driving licence! Exciting, but challenging to begin with.

Uni is hell at the moment. Cannot wait to be finished for the semester. So hectic. I should be increasing a word count right now.

Relationship wise, I am still confused as anything. I wish everyone made up their mind quickly and told you straight up how they feel. No hearts broken, no waiting. Just clarity. That's all I've ever wanted really. I hope that one day I can say that this was all worth it.