Open Letters

1.
I'm so sick of dealing with people who don't understand anything that's coming out of my mouth. Like I'm talking a different language. I guess I don't make it any easier with the way I say things and they're weighted with double meanings a lot of the time. But honestly, I don't understand how I can feel so helpless right now. I feel like crawling into a ball when you don't understand what I'm saying. When you want to change the subject, as if what I'm saying isn't important to you, or you don't get that what I'm saying IS important to me. I hate the fact that I believed you were capable of doing such things to me, that honest to God I believed you and I took it. And I thought to myself "oh well, I can't expect anymore, really, can I? And I hate that you asked me why I believed you, and I didn't tell you the whole truth.
2.
It disturbs me when you can't handle the most positive of truths. When they compare us and come up to the conclusion that you're better. It's kind of bizarre how in such scenarios people are not afraid to openly judge us. But really, we're all the same right? We're all worth the same, and we're all loved the same, but in truth, we're not. I wish you wouldn't say some things...I wish I could tell you a story so you'd truly understand. I wish I didn't have to be your comparison. I wish I didn't feel so fucking stupid next to you and everyone else.
3.
I wish you'd just believe me. I wish I could figure out how. It disturbs me knowing that I'm letting you pass by and I have no idea what's going on. Something of an idea, but not much.
4.
I wish you'd remember my name. I wanted to mean something to someone, even if I don't like one of your friends. I don't even know for sure how I feel about you, if I want you as a friend, but I really just wish I was important enough for you to at least remember my name.
5.
I pray that I'm worth it. Maybe you'll think I'm worth it? I'd like to think I am, but I can't force you into doing something that isn't a natural feeling to you. That I was not an ugly wallflower, blending into the background music. I'm not made to do that, though somedays I think I am? I always wish to find someone outspoken and oozing with unapologetic individuality just so I can feel some balance. But I think I act the wrong (right) way. This is who I am? Does it matter? Does it change?
6.
Stop telling me to shut up. You told me today and I stopped talking, that's what you wanted right? I never felt so unappreciated. I will never understand how you keep your friends without falling to your knees. I feel like I owe everyone something. I try treat them so nice, I must be boring, but just so I can keep a friend. It's easier to be outwardly happy and boring with friends than to be alone and interesting with no one to share it with.
7.
Because I hate the number 6.