Been thinking of extending this blog (enterprise?) thing.
I feel really annoyed about stuff. Just rubbed the wrong way...feathers ruffled. That sort of thing. I need to let go of some stuff. It's just hard.
But yeah...
I've been thinking of making words speak louder.
I started uni 2 weeks ago...tomorrow will be the start of my 3rd week. It's very different. And challenging in a way I didn't expect it to be. Academically it's different, but manageable. Socially...I feel like I'm being swallowed whole (just dislocate your jaw...).
I didn't think I'd be one of those people who'd contemplate dropping out merely weeks into it, but it feels like a somewhat viable option at the moment. The drop out rate in first year is very high. I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just encapsulated by loneliness that's eating away at me because nothing will happen the way I want it to. This is a tree. Really. It is. Like...different paths and options, but somewhat intertwined. And the issues shouldn't just be taken on face value.
The logical part of me knows I'll stay, at least for now. I'll tough it out.
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2 comments:
It took me two days before I was already sitting alone on the campus grounds bawling my eyes out.
After continued attendance (most grudgingly) I began to value such different things.
Now, it is most definately much easier (in 'being there' sense) and more pleasant.
I felt so stuck in a continuum of maybes.
There are still days now when I feel like this (and here, I've had two years to deal with it).
The question of, where do I fit here? isn't something you can answer easily. After 2 weeks of uni, I was ready to never be noticed by anyone.
Be noticed. Maybe you need to allow yourself to be swallowed whole? It's at least better than being swallowed in pieces.
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